Mum having an affair - don't know what to do

[user1500500870]

Hi everyone.
I'm a 28 yr old woman who found out several months ago that my mother was having an affair. I was 35 weeks pregnant at the time and really couldn't deal with the affair so I pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to forget about it.
How I found out was completely by accident, my mum was showing me a picture on her phone that had been sent in a text message, she handed me her phone to look at it and I accidentally clicked "back" and it went to the main message inbox. I seen an extremely explicit message and clicked on, couldn't believe what I was reading as my mum is so conservative.

However as I said I pushed it back and tried to forget. Told my husband as it was driving me mad! Baby is now 3 months old and on a recent holiday I found out that the affair is ongoing, I was in my mums room drying my hair and again, further explicit messages came up on her phone - the identity of the man was revealed, and I found that it was her best friends husband, who my dad is very close with.
Part of me thinks to do nothing as it's my parents life, none of my business. Which I do agree with, I just find the whole thing so outrageous.
I have one sibling who I am very close with, she would be devastated to find this out. Only me and my husband know.

Any advice?

[Colinfarrellsarse]

Such a tough one. My initial reaction would be stay out of it but then I would be angry for your dad so staying out of it maybe not an option. Can you tell her if she doesnt tell him you will? God what a terrible position you are in

[Loopytiles]

That's awful. In your shoes I would tell your father immediately.

[KickthewallonSalthillprom]

Talk to your Mum. Tell her you know. Tell her you are disappointed.
Then back off.

[BIWI]

Tell your mum. And tell her that if she doesn't tell your dad and/or end the affair, you're going to tell your dad.

If I was your dad and found out that you had known and not told me I would be incredibly hurt

[user1500500870]

Thanks everyone. I've wanted to approach her so many times, I feel as though once I put it out there then everything will change.
Although I know for me it already has...I honestly think she would be horrified to find out I know, but I'm equally horrified to find she is doing it!
I suppose I'm worried that it would lead to a massive family breakdown. My dad already has poor mental health and I worry it would tip him over the edge so to speak...

Will try to pluck up courage to speak to her.

[user1488575338]

Either stay out of it and wait for the shit to hit the fan or have a quiet word with your mum and tell her you've seen the messages. She might not necessarily stop the affair so you have to think about what you would do then. It's a horrible situation to be in.

[Viviennemary]

I'd confront her about it. Why should you stand by and see your Dad made a complete fool of not to mention the other wife. If your Dad is in a fragile state this could send him over the edge. Tell your Mum you know and then see what she says and take it from there. Your Dad may already suspect for all you know but has said nothing.

[GreenTulips]

I'd personally leave them to it - it's her life and if your dad isn't well she may not be coping - or has coped for years and wants some freedom

It's not for you to judge her

[TheweewitchRoz]

That's really tough as once the genie is out of the bottle, there's no going back. Do you think your dad would want to know? What will happen if they split?

In your shoes, I'd likely say nothing - not saying that's right, but too many unknowns IMHO to blow it all open.

[talonofthehawk]

Minding your own business is a great idea.

[mayhew]

If it was that easy for you to discover the affair, isn't it possible that your dad, who lives with her, already knows?

[loveyoutothemoon]

Maybe your Dad suffers with mental health problems because he's not happy and secretly knows what she's like?

[Vanillamanilla1]

My mum had an affair
None of my business
I just got on with it

[user1500500870]

Dad's mental health issues stem from a traumatic end of life situation with his father, massive anxiety and depression followed. That was 6 years ago and he still is suffering, although better than he was.
I've wondered if he knows and is just ignoring it, as to deal with it would be totally awful. Mum is financially dependant on my dad and honestly would completely flounder on her own.
Once it is out there I feel like my relationship with her would be completely changed, at the minute I'm able to bluff on and pretend all is ok.

[NormaSmuff]

i dont think you need to involve yourself in your mum's sex life.

perhaps it is mutually agreeable to all parties.

perhaps it is just texting.

she is an adult

[Jojoanna]

How do you know it's still going on? Was it a one off ? I don't think I would say anything.

[user1500500870]

I know it's still going on because of the messages I seen during the week.
They all (2 couples) regularly go on holidays together/weekends away, my husband suggested then that it may be something that they all know about and are perhaps in on?

If that were the case, that's ok, whatever floats your boat, but I just can't see that that's the way it is...
Mum spends many days shopping with his wife, and dad spends them at sporting events with the man.
It's so so out of character!

[SandyY2K]

I wonder if those saying it's not your business would say the same if your dad was the one having an affair. Or if the mother discovered her Son in law was cheating, should she say nothing because it's not her marriage... I just don't understand the thought process here.

As a child around the age of 10, I discovered infidelity by my dad. I tried to intervene without involving my mum and without confronting my dad, but I was a kid. No way would I do nothing as an adult.

I'd be inclined to let her know that her affair with XX has been discovered and if it doesn't end immediately .. Her husband and the OMs wife will be informed.

If you do it anonymously, it won't affect your relationship with her (as far as she knows).

In your shoes, I'd have told my sibling to rather than my DH, because I think he'd loose all respect for her and wouldn't want her to be around much.

I agree that if your dad ever finds out you knew, it would be like another betrayal.

[user1500500870]

How could I do it anonymously?
I had to tell my husband because it was upsetting me so much. I didn't/haven't told my sister because she is doing her masters degree and working on her dissertation at the minute. Is it complete in sept and I plan on telling her then...

[Floofles]

If your DH suggests that they might all be in on it then that could be the case? If they're all very close its a possibility!?
Your mum obviously hasn't tried hard to conceal it - and I think you should probably say something to her to let her know the messages just pop up - maybe say, I saw a lot of texts come up on your phone from x, is something wrong with x's wife? Or something like that?
Or you could go down the route of asking her how she is - maybe organise some time alone together?
I wouldn't involve myself in my mums life, but we're not close at all and I would talk to a friend if she was in this position so I'd advising trying to open up some discussion!
Good luck!

[MikeUniformMike]

I think you need to have a chat with your mum.

[Unicorniformal1ty]

Just tell her you know, and tell her to think very seriously about the consequences of her actions. Further to that she has to make her own decisions.

[rookiemere]

I would stay out of it.

If phone messages pop up so frequently and your DM isn't bothering to hide her phone or have an affair one, then it sounds like either your DF already knows, or she doesn't care if he finds out.

If you happen to be in the same room as your DMs phone going forward, turn it over so you can't see it.

[PerspicaciaTick]

As other posters have said, you don't know the details of your parents sexual relationship and you can't guess at what is really happening.
This is clearly eating away at you so I think your best course of action is to ask your DMum about it. Tell her you've seen explicit messages, the uncertainty is affecting how you feel about her and you need some answers. Tell her that you tried to ignore it, but it is changing your relationship with her (even if she hadn't realised) and it would be unfair on you both to allow distrust and doubt to come between you without at least trying to have a conversation about what is happening.

[rookiemere]

Actually another interpretation is that maybe your DM wants you to know - it seems so odd her handing you her phone with incriminating messages on it and then leaving it in the room when you're there.

Maybe she wants you to tell your DF as she wants to break up and can't bring herself to do it.

Either way, painful as it is, I'd say well out of it.