Remain friends?

[Targaryen70]

Can you become real friends with someone you have had an emotional.affair with?

I have had 2 EA with the same man over a 3 year period, due to being ill (mentally from a past emotionally abusive relationship) during the first EA I did not have the awareness that lines had been crossed. I terminated the 'friendship' the first EA due to AP's increasing posessiveness.

A year later I reconnected with him and the EA started again almost immediately and we got closer than before I became aware our 'friendship' was a secret to his wife and was never comfortable with this, I confided in a friend who advised I was in a EA and I had been trying to stop it since gaining this knowledge.

The EA has now stopped, but I have struggled with all the guilt of the secrets and lies it created, due to this he said he told his wife about us, I spoke with her on the phone and she seemed very unconcerned about what has been going on and gave her blessing for us to continue as friends!? This has just left me more confused! Can we ever be friends? My gut instimct says he has really downplayed what has been going on for her to allow a friendship to continue.

[category12]

Or he doesn't feel the same about you.

Either way, no, staying 'friends' is not an option.

[mehimthem]

reading your last paragraph Targa I wonder if what he told you that he has said to his wife is what he actually did say (iykwim) Maybe he has told her that you are just a friend, so her comments to you on the phone then wont seem out of place.
I dont think either that staying friends with someone already in a committed relationship (of sorts) could work, esp with your shared history of EA

[TheNaze73]

He's done a proper number on you & his wife. Wake up, he's a sleaze.

From the last sentence, it appears what you've had has been minimalised & he's patting you on the head by saying he wants you to be friends, and not blab to his wife

[Targaryen70]

Thank you for the replies, I agree, because I was genuinely upset at what had happen his wife couldnt understand why I was upset and said I had nothing to apoligise for. When he came back on the phone, think I was on louder speaker, I sensed/could hear his unease in him and at the time put it down to him just telling the wife but now think it was down to what I could divulge.

He does have some good supportive qualities but with him downplaying it all and not taking responsibility I feel the type of manipulator is someone I coukd do without considering my past experience.

[AhYerWill]

Regardless whether it's possible, he doesn't sound like someone that is actually a good friend to you. This man is giving off several red flags.

The red flags you've already mentioned are: lying to/gaslighting his wife, possessiveness over you, manipulative, not willing to observe your boundaries. I'm sure there are others, and although you obviously aren't considering a relationship with him, being friends with people like this won't help you to get over your past and learn to establish good/healthy boundaries.

At the end of the day you've tried to end the friendship because you aren't comfortable, but all that matters to him is that he wants it to continue. On this basis alone you need to walk away - learn to trust your gut that people who trample on your boundaries are the type you need to steer clear of, whether as friends or partners.

[Targaryen70]

Catergory12

I wasn't one side, he pursued me, started this both times to make it more than friends.

[Aussiebean]

Friends should not cause this much anxiety. You shouldn't feel the need to ask mn advice if this was an above the board situation.

Let him go and make new friends

[category12]

That he pursued you doesn't mean he meant what he was saying. He might have liked the attention, enjoyed your interaction, but it doesn't mean he wasn't telling you what he thought you wanted to hear.

But you're not friends. You should drop contact.

[Targaryen70]

AhYerWill
Yes you are right with the red flags, he can be very harmful to my recovery and stay

Aussiebean he has on occassion triggered my anxiety, brought all memories of abusive ex's treatment.

Catergory21
I dont know what might have been genuine, but I normally go by the actions of a person so would really only judge something genuine if with him in person. I said in the past we arent friends, we cant be friends but he seems to think we could.

Im going to keep away now.

[Hissy]

I wasn't one side, he pursued me, started this both times to make it more than friends.

and you being a poor weak little flower could not possibly resist the attention?

If you go by the actions of others, what about YOUR actions? when are YOU responsible for the decisions YOU make?

Twice.

Stand strong! you are better than this. Don't settle for the scraps of life! You have had a rough time, so now is the time not to accept anything less than what will make you truly happy. Hold out for the healthy, happy relationship.

At the moment, you are not in a strong enough situation to conduct a relationship.

You need to have the relationship with yourself first. YOU are the centre of your world. Not someone elses bloke!

You were triggered because you were being manipulated. His lovebombing/pursuit of you triggered the rush of emotions you had with the ex.

There are plenty of really awful men who target vulnerable women, this guy is one of them. He is not a friend to anyone.

[Targaryen70]

Hissy

I do take responsibility, I never knew what an EA was till my friend explained hence I can see what it was in the past now. It was nice to have attention from someone who I thought cared, he was my personal tutor from uni and wanted to stay in touch,(im same age as him) I always saw him in supportive role, thought I was being helped during a very dificult time. I only got back intouch the 2nd time as I doubted myself if he had been possessive towards me. He later confessed he had. Once my friend explained EA's I wanted it stopped, he would have happily had a full blown affair if I hadnt had been stopping it and telling him to work on your marriage or leave her.

I can see I have just been used and abused by someone who targeted me at a very vunerable time in my life. I don't know now if there was any genuine care on his part, but I see now he has abused me and knew of my past abuse.

I had words with him yesterday, as so hurt that he has lied, manipulated, abused me and also his wife about what really happened. She remains oblivious to what he really is and has done.

Im going to work on myself, try to feal fully.

Thank you all for your replies x

[Hissy]

You were vulnerable and he targeted you.

He was in a position of responsibility and he preyed on your fragility.

He's vile.

Delete his numbers and don't ever contact him or allow him to contact you again.

You can use this to strengthen yourself.