Sexually frustrated sexless marriage

[JojoB1980]

Hey could do with some advice.

I'm in a 6 year marriage to my DW with a 3 years old child. We love each other immensely and have a great relationship. We both find each other attractive and when we have sex it's great. We both enjoy it and it's satisfying for both of us.

However our sec drives are completely opposed. I have an enormous sex drive and hunger and my wife just doesn't. She doesn't feel the urge or need and rarely instigates (ever). The sense of rejection and frustration is enormous for me. I feel enormous jealousy of friends who have partners who insatiable sexual appetites and feel annoyed that I never experienced having had that experience.

I miss the excitement and long for the physical intimacy.

Is there something g I can do about this?

[pinkyredrose]

You want her to increase her sexdrive for you. Could you decrease your sexdrive for her? So that you could meet somewhere in the middle?

[pinkoneblueone]

I'm afraid I was the same, this site has made me realise why my hubby turned to looking at porn as he didn't want to bother me with my lack of drive. My children are now older at 13 and 8 and I am trying to bring us back to the us before the kids and have a more active sex life so he no longer has a need for porn. It has taken time for me to realise just what had happened as I was so caught up in getting through the day exhausted with work and looking after the children that he is human and has needs. I have been having some very honest conversations with him and this has helped greatly to improve the situation. All I can suggest is that it may take time but don't give up on her over a low sex drive just yet as she may not realise how you feel.

[pinkyredrose]

Hang on, on the 22nd of this month you were wondering if satisfying your sexual needs elsewhere was the answer. Do you think you and your wife are incompatible? If so would you be better off apart?

[pinkoneblueone]

I didn't read anything about 22nd of this month at all?!

[LaArdilla]

Well clearly she googled for past threads.

[Babybooboohead]

Some women need to feel a lot of things before sex, clean, shaved legs(!), they have time, not tired or rushed etc. They need to feel warm and safe and comfortable in their bodies. Try booking a weekend away and treating her to some beauty treatments. Not a long term fix but it helps. Sometimes a 'quickie' is much more appreciated rather than some long drawn out rigmarole! X

[JojoB1980]

Thanks. I'm new to the site and was guilty of highjacking someone's else's thread so decided to start my own this time. I don't agree that my last comment you read suggested I wanted to fulfil my needs elsewhere but certainly I've considered it. Honestly if it was a simple thing to do and had no repurcussions I'd probably consider it but surely that's not a long term answer.

[thestamp]

Have you talked to her? What has she said?

What have you tried so far to address the issue?

[JojoB1980]

Totally agree with you. My wife lost a lot of confidence after giving birth. Her body didn't bounce back in the way she wanted despite eating really well and exercising kids during pregnancy. She somehow ended up with a separated abdomen which left her with a belly pouch and then suffered a herniated disc in her back with left her incapacited for half a year and she out on more weight. Despite the fact I genuinely still found her hugely attractive that loss of confidence in her physique seriously affected her sex drive. Truth be told though she didn't honestly have a strong sexual drive prior to any of that stuff.

Before i met her she'd had loads of sexual experiences - threesomes, one night stands etc and when we first met we had sex tonnes. It was after a few years of being together it totally slowed down. We ignored it because we knew we loved each other and didn't feel it was a problem. On the infrequent times we did have sex it was really good. We always climaxed at the same time, every time and had a really good sexual chemistry. I always knew though that I wanted more than her though. She wanted sex infrequently because she didn't have an urge for it in the same way that I do.

After a long time it broke me down to the point I'd fantasise about mutual friends of ours and even talked to one of them about it openly. We discussed our mutual love of porn and even shared links - it totally threw me that there were women out there that were exactly like me and I felt cheated and frustrated that I was unlucky to ever have had that and would never have that in my life

[Greenifer]

We always climaxed at the same time, every time

Really?! This sounds ridiculous. I am nearly fifty and have a very healthy sex drive and climaxing at the same time as my partner is something that has happened to me only a handful of times. I think maybe she was telling fibs about that.

[JojoB1980]

Thanks for your question. Yes we always discussed it. Even when we were in the long period of ignoring the problem we periodically addressed it and agreed it was probably not right but agreed it wasn't a problem because we both loved each other and it wasn't about loss of attraction. After a time though it broke me down and I became resentful.

After 10 years of never having been unfaithful I finally met a girl 12 years younger than me and started an affair early this year. We never had sex but it totally destroyed me emotionally. I ended up feeling rejected and utterly lost. I told my wife everything straight away and we spent 6 months in counselling which was very helpful in understanding ourselves and commicating better. The same issue is still there though

[FrogsLegs31]

You always climax together eh?

When you and your DW do have sex, what's the order of events like? How do you get her ready and relaxed? Foreplay? Do you make her orgasm first?

[JojoB1980]

I tend to be the instigator, and it feels like she reciprocates tonnegjn with partly because she realises it's been a while. Once we're in the swing of it it's really good

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

We always climaxed at the same time really doubtful tbh.

[JojoB1980]

And yes fortunately I've somehow always been able to control myself to allow her to orgasm first and then let go straight away after

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Tbh I wouldn't want sex with someone who had an affair ,or nearly had an affair. Sod that.

[JojoB1980]

We're just very fortunate

[JojoB1980]

Thanks for your understanding

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

You say it's a sexless marriage but clearly you do have sex ,so how often and how often do you want it?

[LilyMcClellan]

I'm intrigued to know who all these friends are with partners with insatiable sex drives.

Three things.

1. It is normal for the frequency of sex to decline over time. Significantly. Particularly post-children. Your post is all over the place when it comes to expectations. First you say you never had the experience of a partner with an "insatiable appetite". Then you say when you first met you had sex "tonnes" and it was years before it declined. You say this wasn't a problem for quite some time, but now it is a problem.
   

1. You acknowledge that your wife has been through a lot in terms of her body changing. And she's also had to deal with the bullshit of your affair with a younger woman, not to mention extremely borderline conversations with a mutual friend. You told her that the decrease in sex didn't bother you because you loved her, but either that was a lie, or you've now changed your mind, because it turns out you've been sniffing around elsewhere. Can you see how she would have an extremely hard time trusting you, and has probably lost a huge amount of desire for you?
   

1. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the chances you really are always simultaneously orgasming are next to nil. Really. If she's not keen on sex, has body issues, and trust issues, my guess is that she gets bored of you hammering away and fakes it so you'll get it over with. Why do I say this? Because nothing in your post suggests you have much natural empathy for your wife. A lack of natural empathy tends to go hand-in-hand with being average in bed.
   

I would suggest getting very real with your wife about why she's not interested in sex any more. Unless your three-year-old is a poor sleeper, it's probably not tiredness.

[HelenaDove]

Well your marriage isnt sexless then is it. What a fucking insult to those who actually are in that situation.

[TheNaze73]

It's quite simple really.

You either work at the issue or leave. Don't have an affair though. That's scummy.

[chips4teaplease]

I have an enormous sex drive and hunger and my wife just doesn't. She doesn't feel the urge or need and rarely instigates (ever). The sense of rejection and frustration is enormous for me. I feel enormous jealousy of friends who have partners who insatiable sexual appetites and feel annoyed that I never experienced having had that experience

Excuse me while I roll about laughing. You have an enormous sex drive and hunger? Jealous of friends with partners with insatiable appetites? You always allow her to orgasm first? You'd 'fantasise about mutual friends of ours and even talked to one of them about it openly. We discussed our mutual love of porn'? You're beginning to sound like a sex-pest and a faithless partner. Is that what you intended? If this is genuine, I'd like to hear her side of this story.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I agree with option 3.

[chips4teaplease]

Oh my . I'd missed the update where you said you were already having an affair. You are faithless. Could that be why your wife isn't dead to keen to shag you?