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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Just devastated by DHs betrayal. Need a hand hold

337 replies

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 26/07/2017 20:29

Ten whole days have passed since my whole world disintegrated and I think it would be therapeutic to get it all out. I really need support though so please don't kick me when I am down. I know I have been naive and feel stupid enough already.

Ten days ago we went to the zoo. We had a lovely day with our kids. Took them to pizza express afterwards and was generally a really lovely family day. In the evening we watched a film but he didn't sit next to me as he said he was buying motorbike stuff online. All was fine until he had a few too many drinks and was snarly about our friends we were going on holiday with. Before bed I posted on mumsnet about that particular issue and was mildly amused to see all the responses saying he was clearly having an affair with her. When I got up that morning he was distracted with the kids and I picked up his phone to see what had been going on with holiday friend. Not seeing any justification for his venom towards friend I was about to give it back when it occurred to me that there was no thread with a girl he usually messaged.
Not really knowing how to work an iPhone I happened to swipe up and ended up in archived chats where Her name was front and centre with messages the day before. When I opened it and saw that he had been sending her photos of my children the day before while at the zoo as a family and in the evening watching a film with meSad
Once he realised I was onto something he chased me around the garden, tried to physically tackle me to get his phone back and only when our three year old came into the room did I escape with his phone and drove to a friends house wearing nothing but a nightie to get a chance to properly look at what I had glimpsed.

And what I confirmed was everyone's worse fears. I later realised the messages only went back three weeks but in that time he had messaged her 5000 times. He had sent her

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 26/07/2017 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laura1206 · 26/07/2017 20:36

So sorry to hear this. Have you kicked him out? Hope you're ok x

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 26/07/2017 20:38

Oops. Didn't mean to post yet.

He had sent her pictures of our children whenever we took them out to the fair etc. He had suggested she meet them. He had offered to take the ring off to meet her friends. And while I had had absolute faith that he was working his fingers to the bone to support our family and that this necessitated him staying away at hotels five nights a week, he had actually been staying away extra nights at her house or booking hotels for their affair.

The absolute worst. Knowing that I wasn't coping with the stresses and frustrations of staying at home with the kids he sent me away for a weekend with a friend. The idea was that he would also get to look after the children on his own for the first time. But now I know that he fobbed the children off on his mother and arranged a proper date with OW instead. There were weeks of messages of excited giggling like lovesick teenagers looking forward to the day he sent his wife out of the country to get a proper date with his girlfriend.

I feel so betrayed, if not as a wife, than as his best friend of 15 years. And I cannot believe how gullible I was.

Now I have friends, family and professionals all telling me to go to relate but I just don't see how that will help. How can I ever get over this betrayal when he is not the man I thought he was, the man I married. But we have two small children to consider. Is there any way forward out of this or is relate a big fat waste of time?

OP posts:
GlitterSparkles17 · 26/07/2017 20:39

God. What's happened since, have you chucked him out? Hope your ok

Needsomeflapjacks · 26/07/2017 20:40

I hope he has left the house and you and dc are safe. .
Don't be afraid to ring the police if he becomes aggressive. .

Mama234 · 26/07/2017 20:40

How shitty, You are not naive or stupid, BTW the blame is completely on him.

GlitterSparkles17 · 26/07/2017 20:40

I don't see a way forward but I'm not you, there would be no going back for me, what he's done is cold and calculated, not a one off mistake!

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 26/07/2017 20:40

Hope you are okay OP.

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 26/07/2017 20:41

I'm not OK. I'm better now, ten days on, but the shock is still there whenever I wake up in the night and I've lost a lot of weight and sleep.

I've kicked him out and he is staying with his parents but he is relentlessly hopeful that there is a way back from this and I have no idea how I could ever forget what I have seen

OP posts:
Needsomeflapjacks · 26/07/2017 20:42

Why relate? Why would you want to keep him? Urgh. .
His new bit stuff won't be so exciting when he is juggling with his dc 50/50 and the financial repercussions of his wandering penis. .
Your dc need you stable and happy. Not being a doormat and settling for a man that doesn't appreciate you or respect you or your marriage.

Figgygal · 26/07/2017 20:42

He didn't consider your kids when behaving in the worst way. I'd not be pursuing relate in the circumstances either

FamilyHolidays · 26/07/2017 20:42

There's no way forward from this betrayal. You will teach your children that it's better to be alone than put up with such a disrespectful and disloyal partner in life. You will be fine.

Bambamrubblesmum · 26/07/2017 20:43

Where are you now?

Where is he?

Bambamrubblesmum · 26/07/2017 20:45

Sorry x posted.

He wasn't thinking of a way back when he was shagging his bit on the side Angry

AnyFucker · 26/07/2017 20:45

No. There is no way forward in a romantic relationship with him

The only thing left is to negotiate a co parenting situation and go off and find your own life without this cheating fuck dragging you down

SelenaTheFox · 26/07/2017 20:45

OP, I will be gentle with you, you need time alone to reflect. What are you getting out of the relationship? We are all scared of being alone, but what about your peace of mind?

Be gentle to yourself, you need it. Allow yourself to come first and your dc of course

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 26/07/2017 20:45

He has been kicked out and I am actually visiting my parents this week just so I can get some support and not be woken up in the middle of the night by our small children and try and get some sleep. The doctor gave me some Valium but even that doesn't work if someone wets the bed at 3am. So I am at my parents house trying to get some r and r and applying for jobs having really stupidly become a stay at hone mum on the basis that his career would be more successful than mine Angry Sad

OP posts:
Grooves · 26/07/2017 20:47

There's no way back. Well done for kicking him out, you need to stay strong and stick to your guns.

With regards to "relate" that would only work should you decide to give him another chance, they would work through it with you.

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 26/07/2017 20:48

Thank you all. I am getting some time to myself with my parents which is good. I just keep putting two and two together and realising how many happy occasions he has wrecked in the last six months. And then I swing from angry to sad and back to angry again.

OP posts:
Mama234 · 26/07/2017 20:48

I couldn't forgive, He sounds really cunning and like there was absolutely no shame what so ever until he got caught.
You are not wrong in not wanting to give it another try, Your friends and family aren't you and they aren't feeling the way you are feeling and they don't have to live your life.

Everyone has their limits and he went way past yours and many other peoples for that matter, Many people in partnership s would tolerate that sort of betrayal.
How could you seriously ever trust him again.
Any sort of outside help you get, get for yourself to make YOU feel better, You don't owe him a thing.
As for the children they will be fine they don't need their mum and dad together to be happy.

choccybiscuit · 26/07/2017 20:48

What am absolute arse! Im so sorry, you must be devastated. I could never forgive that kind of betrayal. Well done for kicking him out!

sandgrown · 26/07/2017 20:49

It's horrible when your world falls apart. Just keep existing while you work out how to protect the interests of you and your children. Could a friend or family member stay with you? Look after yourself Flowers

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poweredbybread · 26/07/2017 20:49

I am so sorry. I remember seeing your post about the holiday concerns. This is just awful for your. I really hope your family and friends are helping you. You just have to get through each day anyhow you can. I hope you know that as terrible as this is now you will get there. 💐

Mama234 · 26/07/2017 20:49

Wouldn't tolerate

Chapterandverse · 26/07/2017 20:49

A one night drunken snog I could talk about, an affair like this which was planned & thought about? No way. He'd be a goner.

You do what your gut is telling you to do.

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