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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I was attacked by my fiancé

51 replies

flyingmummy2003 · 26/07/2017 02:00

I don't even know where to start really, I'm not one for using these sites and it's actually the first time I've been on. But I'm hoping for some impartial advise.
I've been weigh my partner for 2 years as of last week, we got engaged at xmas and we are getting married next year...

After working away this weekend I've come home and he's drunk a whole bottle of vodka, absolutely wasted. It was actually quite amusing to start with, I put him to bed and I settled down to catch up on the TV.
I heard him talking to someone upstairs, so I listened at the bottom and it sounded like he was having an argument with a family member on the phone, I left him to it and then went up when was all quiet... his phone was on the side so I clicked it to see the time - he hasn't been on the phone as there were messages on the front screen.. so he had been arguing with himself.

Anyway, I will get to the point, he ended up with a red mist descending across him and him flopping out. Screaming and shouting at me about my job, and that I had been away on a trip and I took the piss. The next thing I knew he slapped me hard across the top of my arm a couple of times. I was so shocked I literally sunk to the floor. He then kicked me and slapped me around the head. As soon as I could I got out the house and hid around the corner, he then left the house and I locked myself in. He had also taken my phone with him, Obviously I was in a state.

He didn't come back, thankfully, and went to his dads (I found this out the next day) after logging in on my iPad and locating my phone. I collected it off his dad and went home, I packed all his belongings and he collected them whilst I was out. We have had contact, and I have met him at the local park where we spoke for a little while. I asked him to see his GP which he has and ring domestic violence line.

I just do not know what to do, he's complete shocked me. Do I run now, do I support him and getting help - what do I do?

I can't sleep or eat, my minds in overdrive! I haven't spoken to anyone but his mum about this ( she lives abroad) she's disgusted and has told him so, she escaped his fathers abuse years ago - now she is panicking that he is turning into his father. I can't confide in anyone and tbh I don't want to speak about it out loud.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 26/07/2017 02:08

End it He WILL do it again. Please give Womens Aid a ring Thanks

WORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORK · 26/07/2017 02:10

Run. Next time (there will be a next time), he might go further & kill you. Please, please run. That threat of violence will now always be there. If he had done that to a friend, the friendship would be over. Same should go for a relationship. He does not respect you to do this to you. He does not have control. Please, please speak to people about it. No one in their right mind would encourage you to accept violence in a relationship.

TheRollingCrone · 26/07/2017 02:13

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

See yourself in 25/30 years time. A happy fulfilled woman who has shared a life with a respectful loving supportive partner.

Your daughter comes to you and tells you the above scenario. WHAT would you tell her to do?

NotQuiteThere · 26/07/2017 02:14

Please end it. You won't feel or be safe. I have a friend in a similar situation but she went ahead and married him. Currently in the process of a messy and confrontational divorce. I worry for her safety.

Please contact Women's Aid for advice on 0808 2000 247 (open 24h).

BenedictCumberbeyatch · 26/07/2017 02:14

Well done for booting him out, please don't take him back! this is only the beginning of the abuse he will subject you to.
A man who truly loves and cherishes you will never lay a hand on you in anger, he's shown you who he is and you deserve better.

sobeyondthehills · 26/07/2017 02:35

I personally don't think you should take him back. I will say Vodka is the devil's juice for some people and if you do even consider it, he has got to promise not to drink again, not just vodka but anything, because once it starts it won't stop.

But I will say again I think you have done the right thing in kicking him out and if you do take him back under any terms, you will always wonder if this argument will be the one

Shoxfordian · 26/07/2017 05:18

Don't even think of taking him back

MeltingSnowflake · 26/07/2017 05:23

Please do not even THINK about taking him back. There is no 'supporting' this man. He WILL do it again. Imagine if you have children together and he attacks you again in front of them, or - god forbid - attacks them. You are at a turning point in your life and you HAVE to choose yourself. There are wonderful men out there who will not hurt you. Stay strong Flowers

Glastokitty · 26/07/2017 05:32

Run like the wind.

AufderAutobahn · 26/07/2017 06:31

Get away and stay away. Block all contact. He will do it again. Do not stay to support him, he has to sort himself out, it isn't your job so don't think it is. Well done for handling things so well thus far. Flowers

AnyFucker · 26/07/2017 06:33

Support him in his violence ?

No

Tofutti · 26/07/2017 06:36

It's not your responsibility to support him. You can't help him. Please stay away from him for good.

SleepFreeZone · 26/07/2017 06:41

With his history of learned behaviour from his father he will 100% do it again and again. Walk away OP while you don't have babies.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 26/07/2017 06:46

No, don't take him back. It has to be over now.

Ecclesiastes · 26/07/2017 06:46

Hold on - why's he seeing his GP? You're the one who's been assaulted. I'd be phoning the police myself , but at the bare minimum you should be removing all trace of this man from your life.

SandyY2K · 26/07/2017 07:43

I'd call off the engagement no question about it.

I will not live in fear of being attacked, by a man who is meant to love me. No way,

WhoreOfBabyliss · 26/07/2017 07:47

I would have called the cops at the point I took the beating. Failing that at the point he took my property. I would have pressed charges for both too. Raise your bar love.

Guccibelt · 26/07/2017 07:50

What support would you offer him? Kindness and understanding until he does it again?

Yoksha · 26/07/2017 07:54

Don't even entertain a life with him. I wish I'd had Mn for boundaries on relationship acceptability. I'm still with him & I do walk on eggshells from time to time.

A few months ago we argued & he got quite abusive. I don't know where the strength came from, but I shouted out " you lay a finger on me & I'll get you charged! I mean it, I'll call the police ". His jaw hit the floor. The change was instantaneous. I let the room. WOW!

We need to break this cycle.

Hermonie2016 · 26/07/2017 07:58

As I started to read tour post about working away and being together 2 years I felt I could have predicted the outcome.

He has shown his character, 2 years is often the stage when the real person emerges.You going away to work triggered his sense of entitlement/ownership.

I suspect he felt challenged by your work, started drinking and in his mind you "deserved" this treatment.
His triggers will be deep seated and not something you can change.

You did the right thing leaving and the temptation to make it work must be strong but he has issues with his thinking and behaviour which makes him dangerous to be around.

It wasnt alcohol that caused this so stopping drinking won't be the cure.

Read books by Lundy and you will understand it's his thoughts and expectations of you that cause this.

hatsoncats · 26/07/2017 08:05

He screamed at you, shouted, slapped and kicked you and stole your phone.
Have you been checked out for injuries? Are you OK?

DO NOT meet him again. Not in public and not in private. He is not your responsibility. Even if he does see a GP, you only have his word for what story he goes in with. If does ring the Domestic Violence line, chances are he will lie about what happened to minimise it. So do not support this violent, abusive man.

This should be reported to the police. It will not be the first, nor the last time he snaps. Next time, and there WILL be a next time, the results could be far worse. It could be you, it could be another woman. Report it, and there will at least be a trail of evidence.

KarmaNoMore · 26/07/2017 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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DoIDontIhavethetalk · 26/07/2017 08:09

Game over, lovely. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are very lucky you weren't carried out of your own home in a body bag. Trust me, if you stay with him that is what WILL end up happening. Sorry if that seems brutally blunt but you need to help ear it.

Get yourself an appointment with women's aid. Get yourself down to the police station. Press charges and do not back down. Go completely no contact. Get yourself a solicitor specialising in domestic violence.

chosenone · 26/07/2017 08:11

excellent post by hermione2016
please Don't look to us to say. 'It'll be a one off ' ' Blame the drink' . We won't. You need to pull up your big girls pants and show him you're no walk over. You deserve better. Ignore any shovelling apologies too, they're complete BS. Even if he believes it himself!

YoureNotASausage · 26/07/2017 08:12

You run. You have to. There is absolutely no fixing this.

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