No chemistry...

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

Dating related question. In the past I've always dated guys where there's been loads of chemistry, sexual tension, it's been exciting but full of drama and ups and downs. Things moved very quickly and ended in disaster.

I now have a young daughter and ready to start dating again. This time I'm approaching things VERY differently. I've learnt from my mistakes and know the type of qualities I'm looking for in a man. Very different to the past men I dated who were free spirited, selfish twats.

I've been on a few dates with guys I met and nothing was there on my side. I recently started internet dating and met a guy who I did feel a connection with on the first date. I was quite excited about it to be honest. But his messaging in between dates was sooo boring and serious, not much humour or flirting. We agreed to meet again recently for dinner and it was ok, not as great as the first date but I sensed he was maybe a. It nervous. I get the feeling he quite likes me and is maybe holding back, he just comes across as very serious and it's putting me off hugely. I can't tell if this is him or just he needs to come out of his shell.

He seems respectful and gentlemanly which is what I want. We've not even kissed yet 😬

I've heard that sometimes people end up together but the initial spark wasn't there and that gradually they fell in love? I can't tell if this is the case here or I'm just basically not into him. The first date I would have liked to kiss him but the second date I felt like running.

We are still in contact now but I'm so unsure about how I feel. A part of me would like someone like him but I just don't know if we are compatible or if I'm massively attracted to him.

Any advice?! x

[user1488575338]

No no no, this is not the man for you!!! If you felt like running on the second date then go with that feeling. I get you want to avoid your past usual types but I think you need a bit of something in the middle and not the complete opposite.

One of my good friends ended up marrying her "slow burn" but they were really compatible in loads of other ways, interests, humour etc. Do not settle for what you perceive as safe, it will not bring you happiness.

[Cherryblossom200]

Thank you so much 😊 This is what I needed to hear. Yes this is what I thought I should be looking for the 'slow burner' and that somehow I would fall in love. But the fact I felt like running just didn't feel right.

I think I should wait until I meet someone who is nice but also I feel that spark with.

Thank you for your advice 😊

[user1488575338]

Absolutely wait. You will find the right one, it might not happen straight away but good things come to those who wait ( I keep telling myself this and believe me I've waited a long time!!!). Now all you need to work out is show to tell him

[Cherryblossom200]

Do you think I can I can just try to phase it out? It's only been two dates so far. Or is that really mean 😬

I guess I've become so fussy I'm genuinely worried I will forever be single. I know I can't expect perfect. But I do want to feel that attraction and connection that everyone else seems to have 😞

[user1488575338]

Since it's only been two dates and you haven't even kissed then you could use the phase out. The only other thing is to be honest and say you don't feel there is any spark. Make sure you pad it out though and say some complimentary things about him too.

[AlexandraHamilton]

I suspect a 'slow burner' only works in situations where you see each other frequently in an unplanned way - friends, workmates, through hobbies etc. It's much to much of an investment otherwise.

[PlausibleSuit]

I ended up in an 18-month relationship with someone I didn't actually feel anything for besides benign affection. It was awful and a waste of everyone's time. (I was young.) I should have put a bullet in it after date #2. Save yourself! If there's no spark, it's never going to burn - slowly or otherwise. In your situation I would just wind it up, let him know (kindly) that you don't want to continue seeing him but wish him well etc.

[whenwillthesleepcomeback]

I married my slow burn. Still waiting for the flame 7 years into marriage and now looking to leave. Don't do it.
!!!

[TheNaze73]

You can't force what isn't there.

Alexandra is right about slow burners

[HipsterAssassin]

Just be honest with him, OP. Tell him you enjoyed your dates but there's no spark and wish him well.

I know what you mean with looking for someone sensible after the twats. But really you need a spark, you need fun, and there is just no avoiding taking a risk with your emotions in relationships. There is no real 'safe'!

I was looking for sensible/slow burn after my twats and my psychotherapy. But I met someone and fell instantly for him. Cue plan B but he is also sensible and steady-Eddie and we are also taking things at a nice steady pace!

If I can manage it so can you! Get out there

[scottishdiem]

DP and I were a slow burn who met through OLD but everyone is different.

Instead of looking for something that is not there by dating in a different way, try what you did previously (get the fanny gallops almost straight away) and instead reign that in a little bit. Move slower and think with more clarity instead of a part of your anatomy.

[Cherryblossom200]

Thanks guys. I decided last night before I went to sleep that I was going to end it. Ultimately I felt I was wasting my time on someone I didn't feel much for. I still need fun and someone to make me giggle about the silly stuff. Life is tough at times as we all know. I'm quite a happy go lucky person, with a bit of a free spirited side. I want someone a bit like me too be honest. My partner in crime who I can enjoy my life with and also who will eventually join my little family.

I got a message from him this morning, it was really nice and then made me re-think my decision. But ultimately I don't feel excited about him and 3 hours later I still haven't responded 😬 That says it all really.

I am worried that being a single parent I'm not going to have the same choice I would of had without a child. So maybe some part of me felt I had to settle. But I think there must be someone out there who I right for me? I'm going to just wait.

I don't want to settle.