Talk some sense into me

[Pleasehelpmeout1289]

Split up with bf of 9 years a couple of months ago, he has moved out and moved on but I'm still so....I don't know how to describe what I am....

We have 3 dc and I am 7 months pregnant with our fourth. In short it took me a long long time to come to my senses, we split up and got back together many times because I stupidly thought he would change/ I missed him etc etc but obviously things continued as they always had. There were many episodes of him cheating, numerous times with the same women, perusing others, one night stands, prostitutes (one when I had given birth three weeks prior). He is lazy when it comes to helping with the children and house, is in a lot of debt so gave me a small amount from his wages in order to get his debts cleared faster which left me struggling. Despite this he always had money to go on weekend long raves, nights out etc. We have only ever taken the two oldest Children abroad once because I saved and saved, yet he goes on regular weekends away trough out then UK to gigs with his friends.

Anyway eventually I snapped, threw him out after he was spending every opportunity to be away from the home. Extra shifts at work to get more money I never saw, pub, nights out, days out with his friends to play pool etc. He got a room in a flat share and now he's living it up. Out numerous times a week, all kinds of gigs arranged, more weekends away planned.

He works shifts so there are no set days for him to see the Kids and I'm happy to accommodate what days he wants for their benefit. he will maybe spend one full day with them a week/every ten days and only if I'm with them to drive them somewhere and help out - I genuinely wouldn't trust him with all three he's useless at watching them all outside. Or he comes to my house and ends up playing on his phone and falling asleep on the couch before going home a couple of hours later. It's pissinng me off so much but I don't want him to have them alone because he barely interacts with them, is short tempered, doesn't know how to play with them, has no concept of watching them to keep them safe....

So basically I have him here a couple of times a week, end up doing exactly what I'm doing when he isn't here except there's a man child asleep or sprawled on my couch.
The worst thing about all this is that I actually fucking miss him...not him per say....when he's not here I miss the company but when he's here I want to scream at him to fuck off back out again because he isn't helping. But I'm so lonely, I miss having someone to talk to, I miss affection and feeling like I belong to someone who cares about me (even though he never showed it much).
I'm sure it's pregnancy hormones mixed in with other breakup emotions....I just feel like I need him to help, to understand how hard this is with three young kids, pregnant and trying to cope alone while he saunters off with his new girlfriend having the time of his life. I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone else, he's the only person I've ever been with and I miss the normality, it's all I've ever known.... He's keeping me at arms length, very friendly and polite but almost as if I'm a stranger. It's killing me...

I know I haven't lost anything worth being upset over but I can't help it and need some sense talking into me. Why is it so hard? He supposed to be coming to the hospital with me when I go into labour but I see it being strained but I also don't want him to miss out on that....it's all so hard.

[Itsnotwhatitseems]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through but you have been so strong in ending things, It was an addiction for you, hence going back and forth in the relationship. Do you have family nearby that can help you have a few hours or an afternoon to yourself, where you can go out and maybe meet some friends or just do something just for you. I think you know that he isn't worth a 4th/5th or whatever it is chance, he will keep on letting you down. At the moment the children are young and your priority, take pleasure from the relationships you have with them and carve a life for yourself, one day you will realise you don't miss him xx

[Pleasehelpmeout1289]

Thankyou Itsnotwhatitseems. I have family nearby but I feel like I'm suffocating them being there all the time so I try to break my days up and not visit too much, my children can be a bit of a handful and when family are home from work they want to relax not help me referee haha. I also, shamefully don't have any friends anymore really. I used to but I had children before they did so we drifted apart and I struggle to make new friends because I can't really get babysitters etc and don't struggle with 'mum' friends as they often meet at classes etc which I can't regularly attend due to work.
I just feel like I'm home alone all the time, it's monotonous, boring and hard work. I'm so tired and stressed and when the kids are in bed I just want someone to watch TV with and talk to but I just go to bed early and find myself wondering if he's with his new girlfriend etc and getting myself worked up. I'm an idiot I know...I've never really had a 'proper' break up before....first love and our previous breakups I suppose I always knew I'd forgive him but it's different this time and I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

[whatsmyname2017]

I really feel for you OP. You must be an amazingly strong woman. You have kicked out your good-for-nothing ex and are coping with 3 kids on your own AND pregnant. Of course you miss the company, that is natural. And even more so when you have to managed 3 children alone.
I ended things with my ex a few months ago after 16 years and we have 2DC. Even though I don't miss him in the slightest, I miss being part of a 'complete' family if that makes sense. Just having someone else there... I'm 4 months in now and starting to really feel better about it. You're only 2 months in so you are bound to still feel raw about it. It doesn't help that he is hanging around your house. You need to put a stop to that immediately. I know you want the kids spending time with him but its not quality time. You need to force him to actually do something with them. Allowing him to hang around the house is not doing this.
Reducing the contact you have with him will help you to move on. He sounds like a waste of space and you deserve much better.

[Gingerandgivingzerofucks]

Get a proper money schedule from him. He's taking the piss out of you, majorly. If he's crap at looking after all of the children, give him one at a time, then he can do proper childcare for HIS children. Don't let him fly asleep/play on phone. He is totally taking the piss.