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Starting the divorce process

8 replies

whenwillthesleepcomeback · 23/07/2017 20:51

I want to leave DH. We are married, everything is joint and we have one DC. I'm pretty certain that financially I'll be ok. I can buy him out of the home and sort the mortgage, child care etc., myself (although I will expect him to pay his fair share!). I'm by far the higher earner, so I don't think money will be an issue.
What's the first step? I want to be as amicable as possible, so how do we agree access etc. DC is very young still (2) and therefore - I think - more time should be spent at home. If DH lived locally, could he do every morning for instance, and I do the evenings (as we do now re nursery pick ups), and have him say every third weekend? Or is that for us to agree? And when DC is older, how do we change the arrangements so he sees more of his dad (if he wants to.... I don't want to have to share him but I know he needs his dad). What's a likely split in terms of access? Can we live anywhere? I would want me and XH to live close by so DC can see school friends at the weekend, continue going to sports clubs etc. when he's older, but do we have to agree to live close by? Access and doing the right thing for DC is my priority. Thanks all.

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Changedname3456 · 24/07/2017 00:05

Well 50:50 is the starting point for some judges but not all. Others seem to still be stuck in the stone ages with every other weekend and a weekday night, but at least that would be better than the scraps you're considering offering.

Morning pickups aren't exactly going to be quality time for your stbxh and your dc are they?! Sounds like you're cherry picking all the best bits already, which kind of gels with "I don't want to have to share him."

And every third weekend? WTF? Turn it around and think how you'd feel if you went from seeing your DC all the time to just a (week) daily manic rush to nursery, with only every third weekend where you would actually spend some decent time and have an overnight.

"Doing the right thing" would be actually sitting down and thinking about something a bit closer to equality of time between you.

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SandyY2K · 24/07/2017 02:19

If you're offering him such minimal time, it won't be amicable, unless he's a lazy dad and can't be bothered.

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whenwillthesleepcomeback · 24/07/2017 06:19

Thanks for your replies. I was actually after help with regard the practical piece of the process (contacting solicitors etc.) but your comments are helpful.
I think this is an unintentional drip feed but actually that split reflects current reality. The hours we work mean DH gets ~2hrs a day good quality time, whereas I get a rushed hour in the evening. We've both agreed he gets the better week day slot (just in general conversation). Then weekends should be 50:50, I agree, but this month alone DH has chosen to be away during the day (and I mean at least 8am - 6pm) on 6 of the 10 weekend days available. Note that I want to split, he doesn't so he's not going out to avoid being at home with me. Does that seem fairer? I honestly think DH would accept whatever I offer which is why my offer needs to be fair.
That said, I'd still like to know what to do first - agree finances - I want to keep the house (and pay my way out - there's no way DH could live here alone so he'd be fine with that) - or agree contact?

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Guccibelt · 24/07/2017 06:26

Get legal advice before you discuss or decide anything. Then if you go for divorce, the process happens as you go along eg sorting finances.

If you live separately, then obviously you need to sort child contact. Every couple is different. 50:50 is always recommended on MN but I don't know anyone in real life who does that as it often doesn't fit work commitments/getting children to school etc. My exh sees the dc as little as possible.

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whenwillthesleepcomeback · 24/07/2017 08:42

Thank you @Guccibelt
Also forgot to say that actually DH and I will struggle (with regards jobs) if we split 50/50 by way of (for example) mon - weds him and thurs/fri me etc., we'd both find it easier to do all mornings/all evenings etc.

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wtffgs · 24/07/2017 09:26

Isn't mediation encouraged rather than going straight to court?

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Changedname3456 · 24/07/2017 17:31

Does he know, yet, that you're intending to split? It sounds like he doesn't. People often don't realise what they've lost / are in danger of losing until it's really obvious. I would expect a fight (for time with dc) from him once reality hits home.

You can do both the finances and child contact arrangements at the same time but, if money will be less of a struggle I'd concentrate on the latter first.

As pp have said, mediation will be expected but that doesn't mean you (and he) should enter that process blind and you should both go and get some advice from a solicitor.

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whenwillthesleepcomeback · 24/07/2017 19:59

Thanks all.
I've been talking about it for a while, but I'm not sure he thinks I'm serious (I guess I've said it too much with no action - the boy who cried wolf).

I'll look into a solicitor then, and see how to get into mediation. DC is the number one priority here, much more than finances (I'm lucky I know).

Thank you all so much.