I m catastrophising ,right? Please help me get a grip!

[Lulioli]

The ex has taken our 3 children to Spain for a holiday. First time abroad with all 3. We decided that I would call/text each day to make sure he was ok and the kids were alright. I ve spoken to the kids about water safety, stranger danger, they have id bracelets on with his and my numbers on, taught how to make an emergency call (yep I basically sucked all the fun right out of going!!). This is partly to do with me not trusting anyone else to look after them as well as me, partly because up until the past couple of years he was a fair weather parent and a lot to do with me having attachment anxiety disorder. So....they left on Tuesday. Called on arrival. Called each day. He sent photos. Then he called on Friday evening after borrowing a strangers phone as his had broken! I have panicked all weekend and struggled to manage my fears. He just called using another strangers phone to which I m relieved to hear the kids are fine but surprised he has nt gone off to buy a cheap phone to keep in contact!! I told him he must go and get one or at least a phone card to use a call box! He seemed surprised to hear that these were options (?) and said he would go into Fuengirola, nearest big place to find a phone shop tomorrow. Now after this very short call you would think I would ve calmed down. For a few minutes I did. The panic calmed down and I just felt miserable. But then I started panicking that he might leave them with this stranger(the one who let him use his phone) whilst he goes into town to get the phone and they all get killed by him or he takes so the kids with him and the youngest one gets lost in the crowds/snatched/killed. O h my god why am I doing this?? They re not back in the UK for another week. I think I might die of a heart attack by then. Does anyone else feel like this? I thought I might enjoy some child free time but I m exhausted, crying on and off and barely sleeping. I m convinced they re going to die...

[ShowOfHands]

You are, of course, being ridiculous. I suspect you know this. However, this is anxiety you're talking about and anxiety does not make allowances for the ridiculous.

Are you getting any help for the anxiety?

[Areallmencheats]

They are not going to die.
Make yourself a nice hot, sugary drink and sit down. You are feeling irrational and worrying about nothing.

Your ex sent you photos and made calls and has even had the initiative to borrow other holiday makers phones so that they can contact you.
They will all be fine. They will be better than fine. They will all be enjoying their holiday.

Run yourself a nice bath, put some music on or light some scented candles. Do anything you fancy. They will be back in no time and you will be back to full time parenting duty.

Relax x

[Lulioli]

Hi! Thanks for your response. Yes I am being ridiculous and no i m not getting any professional help. Just using herbal stuff which helps a bit. I ve had therapy on and off for years but still can t get a grip. Always been very morbid. It used to be about me but now I transferred it on to fears about my children. Do you experience the same? Is anything working for you?

[AshesEmbersFlames]

Your ex loves your kids as much as you. He won't let any harm come to them. He's not going to leave them with some random. He'll have a new phone by this time tomorrow and then you can go back to being in regular contact.

The kids will be having a lovely time.

Do whatever you need to to distract yourself and get yourself out of your own head. Call a friend, go for a walk, settle in for a Netflix marathon. Whatever you need.

Are you getting help for your anxiety?

[Hunted68]

Anxiety is a horrible illness. Try to rationalise your fears

[AshesEmbersFlames]

X post with you OP

[Lulioli]

Thank you areallmen . I am exhausted and sad that I can t enjoy this child free time. I ll try and do something relaxing.

[Lulioli]

Yes rationalising is also something I try to do. Just writing it down makes me calmer. My ex does love the children and would never do anything intentionally wrong. I think this has shown me I need to get help cos this isn't right!

[Areallmencheats]

Yes it would be a good idea for you to get some professional help. Call your GP tomorrow morning or if you need help now call the Samaritans.

Please try to understand that they will be so busy on holiday enjoying themselves and wouldn't want to think that you are upset at home.

And,of course, your ex loves them and will look after them.

Also there will be other families around.I am a mum and have been for more than 20 years and I think sub consciously we all look out for each others kids when they are by the pool, crossing the road etc just like we would at home.

Try to keep calm and do something nice for yourself this evening.

[NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom]

He is the DC's father, he is a grown man & is more than capable of caring for his own children.
You need help for that level of anxiety-I suggest you seek it as soon as possible before you give your children issues.

[CockacidalManiac]

Another one here saying that you need to seek help to deal with your anxiety; otherwise you'll just transfer it to your children as they get older.

[user1488575338]

Nip to boots tomorrow and pick up some St. John's wort. You might have vivid dreams but it will take the edge off the anxiety.

[Nainer123]

I think it's really good that you are self aware and realise that these fears are irrational and not normal. I do agree with everyone else, for the long term you need to speak to your gp and see about getting some help so you don't let these fears stop your children experiencing life but in the short term, I'm not sure what will work, it's easy to say just relax and everything will be fine but having anxiety myself I know it's not that easy.

Hopefully you find peace of mind as I know it can be exhausting.

[Angelf1sh]

Sounds like you're having a panic attack. Agree with the pps that your anxiety needs some professional help but in the interim, Sometimes it can help to cool down, so maybe eat some ice cream. Lavender can have a calming effect too so if you have anything that smells of that, maybe spray it round the room.

[Lulioli]

Thanks you for all your responses. Some good advice. I try hard to put on a front for my kids and never stop them from going on holidays trips or sleepovers. I was a safe guarding officer for eight years where I saw such terrible behaviour towards children it left a terrible impression on me. I try to give my children age appropriateskills to equip themselves for adverse events without terrifying them (I hope) but i m aware that this anxiety is at fever pitch right now. I was off cleaning the house which I find calming and have friends staying over for a few nights this week which will all help. Thank you all once again.

[BarbarianMum]

I was just coming on to say try cleaning. I'm not generally a fan, but I do find it helps take my mind off things.

[thestamp]

Have you tried medication? Like, something prescription strength to help manage the anxiety? You seriously ill and I'm a little alarmed that you are relying on "herbal stuff". You are likely to be harming your children if you're transferring or modeling this kind of thing. I urge you to see the doctor about getting on tablets. So much of anxiety is brain chemistry stuff.

Fwiw I agree with pp that you are absolutely catastrophizing and that the children will be fine.

[ShowOfHands]

I suffer with anxiety too. Sometimes I'm good at managing it, sometimes I slip into the very depths of worry.

I find that thinking about what IS true and concentrating energy on it, helps. So, in your shoes it could be focusing on the fact that they will be back in a few days and making concrete plans. Small, calming plans like making their beds up fresh, buying them a magazine each and putting it on their beds, booking a trip etc. It shifts focus onto the positive stuff I can control and will make happen myself.

Nourishing your soul helps too. Whether it's chocolate and a bath or dinner with friends or earl grey in the sunshine. I find taking care of myself in that way helps.

And exercise. It makes my body do good things and release adrenaline and endorphins. I feel in control and able and tired enough to sleep without the 11pm brain soup crap that anxiety insists upon.

Do seek help. The GP can refer to appropriate services.

[Lulioli]

Thanks for all the continuing great advice. I feel much calmer. Been cleaning taking some rescue remedy and my ex has managed to Whatsapp me some messages and photos. Feeling much better but I do realise that a GP visit is necessary. I do not model this behaviour in front of anyone and my kids are the most gregarious, confident achievers ever! I think it's exactly because I internalise everything that I have these panics and anxieties. I ve been in therapy and medication for years. Always open to trying new stuff. But I had to stop therapy for financial reasons about five years ago. I use so many of the skills I ve learnt along the way but I totally agree with pp s who think a prescription and GP appointment is the way to go.