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Relationships

need help..noone to talk

6 replies

tiredwoman · 23/07/2017 02:17

Very unhappy in marriage. We have been married for 5 years. I moved to UK after we got married. Dh is from here. dh seems to have major issues with his emotional side, e.g. misunderstanding and reacting when I am saying something sweet, hyper sensitive to any complaint, extremely defensive about himself and his family, never apologising, doesn't tell me he loves me, dismissive, not willing to discuss our issues, patronising in fights, does want to listen if I have issues, etc. Result is we could never build an emotional bond. Our physical relationship is also non existent for last one year.
He does have a nice and sweet side but we are more like friends than a couple even when not fighting. In those moments, he may at times be willing to listen (depending on the subject).
He is very defensive and dismissive when I bring up our issues, doesn't want to go to couple therapy(waste of money and he knows better. He has some control issues.
He is not a bad person. He had very traditional upbringing, his father was dominating and didnt respect his mum's inputs in decision making. His mum now keeps preaching us about duties of a good wife. dh had problems in his past relationships, and had one abusive relationship which ended years ago we met. He started individual therapy months ago.
I feel very unloved and have started to feel quite a bit of resentment in last one year. Sometimes it shows in our interactions.
I know sensible thing is to leave but it's not simple. Despite all this, I still love him and find it difficult to imagine a life without him.
Also, I don't have a supportive family. My mum had a difficult marriage and controlling parents, she has herself become controlling and a bit self centred. My sister has done well in life, which had made her quite arrogant and judgemental.
I decided to stay in UK and build career, dh agreed to help me financially to set up business (he can be supportive when we don't fight). But we had a fight (where i also said hurtful things) and now dh is taking that as an excuse to blame me for all our problems. I apologised for what i said and told him I have become very bitter because of our issues an this reluctance to do something about it but he dismissed it. He was very controlling when we were talking - interrupting a lot, wanted to talk but very impatient when I talked. We decided to talk again but I have no energy left, I know he would never want to know how it affects me or wouldn't agree with it. I feel so stressed and affected by our personal problems, I find it very difficult to focus on career.
My self esteem is very low now. I am seeing a therapist who thinks I need to focus on myself without leaving.
I want to know if it is really possible to rebuild your career and self esteem while living in such environment. I don't know have any friends here. Has anyone been in such situation and managed to turn their lives around. Thanks a lot for reading :)

OP posts:
8FencingWire · 23/07/2017 02:24

I did manage. Without him. We have a child, so I won't be leaving the country.
Hugs, it is hard and soul destroying, I know. Detach, he won't change, don't waste your life.

LurkingFather · 23/07/2017 04:34

I find it interesting that he was willing to go to a counsellor for his own sake, but refuses marital counselling. That suggests a more malignant streak rather than simple male lack of willingness to have an outsider look in to his mental nether regions... I think you are in trouble. I am not saying LTB, but, I think you might find he will not pull along the same direction to save the marriage.

FanDabbyFloozy · 23/07/2017 04:42

Was yours an arranged marriage? I ask as it would be good to know if you've ever been in love or if it has just not developed.

If the second I would start making arrangements to leave as I suspect he may be doing that anyhow. It's clear that you bring out the worst in each other - no-one's fault, just the way it can be if the chemistry isn't there.

If this was a love match and not arranged, what has changed? Was it ever good since you moved here?

Either way you have to start making arrangements to be financially independent and look into getting your own place. This is no way to live.

Neutrogena · 23/07/2017 07:00

Leave him. He is s vicious nob.

tiredwoman · 23/07/2017 10:16

Thank you everyone for your replies.
8fencing, did you leave him? I find it hard to detach. I am trying but I have nothing else going on in my life like career, kids or social support to get distracted.
Lurkingfathrer he wants to solve issues on his own, because in his words, he knows the problems. So he is going for therapy alone. He is controlling and very individualistic person. Only sees thinks from his point of view. He thinks he is making efforts, and has told therapist that he is responsible for our problems. He says he always talk very positive of me with his family, friends, colleagues. But in interactions with me, he is different, blamed me for his problems, labelled me in fights.
We didn't have arranged marriage but I think love didn't develop like it should because dh had lot of baggage from past. He used to get angry very easily once we got married. Would find negative meanings in even the sweetest things I said. I think his past problems has made him very self centred and hyper alert, he said he thinks he has ptsd for which he never saw a therapist. Now he says I make him angry.
There have been some moments of him telling me, he loves me and how much he values the good times he has spent with me over anything else but then over small things he reacts very strongly and sees me in very negative light.
I don't understand this. Usually your love strengthens or weakens over years. He keeps changing his opinions very easily.
I know we can't keep living like this. It's very stressful for both of us. He has a great job, which he likes, so he keeps himself busy but I am completely depressed and hopeless. Realistically, I have to 2 options - leave and go back to my country. Stay with him and have cordial relationship with him and focus on career. It's easier said than done.
Therapist ask me to work on self esteem, focus on career living with him. He says at least, he has agreed to see a therapist even if it is individual therapy, give him a chance. Dh has very deep rooted issues, will take time to change. Problem is despite 2 months of therapy, dh still justifies not listening to me in any discussion.

OP posts:
IwannaBeDelgadaEnMiPrada · 23/07/2017 10:29

Where's your country? I relocated back to my own country after a similar type of relationship broke down. Well, I say broke down but really it was broken before we started because he wasn't capable of having a relationship and I had such a low self-esteem that his disapproving attitude towards me felt familiar and I just stayed alongside him even though he was dismissive, disapproving, hyper sensitive (and yet accusing me of being sensitive). Like your 'partner' I suspect he simply was not capable of looking inwards, accepting responsibility, maybe blame and then correcting his unreasonable behaviour and amend his behaviour in the future to be kinder and more compromising and understanding. That simply was never going to happen. You can't instruct a vulture to be a labrador. So I relocated back to my own country and it was the best thing I did. If I'd tried to stay in the UK he would have haunted me, literally, legally, mentally...... I would have struggled financially and my kids would have been from a low income single parent family. They are here too I guess but I can hold my own here and I don't feel anybody writes my dc off as disadvantaged, in the same blanket judgement way. I wouldn't have had any support in the UK. It was embarrassing initially of course, returning to say ''oops picked a wrongun'' but I'm glad I pushed through that embarrassment to make the right decision for me and dc.

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