Very unhappy in marriage. We have been married for 5 years. I moved to UK after we got married. Dh is from here. dh seems to have major issues with his emotional side, e.g. misunderstanding and reacting when I am saying something sweet, hyper sensitive to any complaint, extremely defensive about himself and his family, never apologising, doesn't tell me he loves me, dismissive, not willing to discuss our issues, patronising in fights, does want to listen if I have issues, etc. Result is we could never build an emotional bond. Our physical relationship is also non existent for last one year.
He does have a nice and sweet side but we are more like friends than a couple even when not fighting. In those moments, he may at times be willing to listen (depending on the subject).
He is very defensive and dismissive when I bring up our issues, doesn't want to go to couple therapy(waste of money and he knows better. He has some control issues.
He is not a bad person. He had very traditional upbringing, his father was dominating and didnt respect his mum's inputs in decision making. His mum now keeps preaching us about duties of a good wife. dh had problems in his past relationships, and had one abusive relationship which ended years ago we met. He started individual therapy months ago.
I feel very unloved and have started to feel quite a bit of resentment in last one year. Sometimes it shows in our interactions.
I know sensible thing is to leave but it's not simple. Despite all this, I still love him and find it difficult to imagine a life without him.
Also, I don't have a supportive family. My mum had a difficult marriage and controlling parents, she has herself become controlling and a bit self centred. My sister has done well in life, which had made her quite arrogant and judgemental.
I decided to stay in UK and build career, dh agreed to help me financially to set up business (he can be supportive when we don't fight). But we had a fight (where i also said hurtful things) and now dh is taking that as an excuse to blame me for all our problems. I apologised for what i said and told him I have become very bitter because of our issues an this reluctance to do something about it but he dismissed it. He was very controlling when we were talking - interrupting a lot, wanted to talk but very impatient when I talked. We decided to talk again but I have no energy left, I know he would never want to know how it affects me or wouldn't agree with it. I feel so stressed and affected by our personal problems, I find it very difficult to focus on career.
My self esteem is very low now. I am seeing a therapist who thinks I need to focus on myself without leaving.
I want to know if it is really possible to rebuild your career and self esteem while living in such environment. I don't know have any friends here. Has anyone been in such situation and managed to turn their lives around. Thanks a lot for reading :)
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need help..noone to talk
6 replies
tiredwoman · 23/07/2017 02:17
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