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Relationships

Can buying my own space work for now

199 replies

Lesley65 · 22/07/2017 11:53

Morning Everyone.

I'm 53 my partner 58.
I was married for 23 years separated 9 years ago when my daughter was 15, she is now 26 and happily settled in her own life.

My partner never married (his choice not hers) (doesn't want to marry me either) was in the relationship for 9 years this also ended 9 years ago when his son was 9, he is now 18.

We have been together 6 years. For the first 3 years I kept my own home then moved in with my partner, initially renting mine out for 2 years, then 12 months ago I sold it to my tenants.

Prior to the sale of my home we had, as all couples do,talked of combining our assets to buy together...a "cottage in the country" was the deal at some point as far as I was concerned.
My partner has always insisted that I wait until his son was 16 before we made decisions on a move. I agreed. His son is now 18.
We live in a cramped house with little room for personal space and his son who used to stay twice a week now stays whenever he wants....which is still a minimum of 2 nights.
My partner plays sports alot as does his son/ house is full of sports bags/clothes/ TV always on a sports channel/talks about it constantly.. .

Over the last 12 mths I have brought up the subject of the two of us finally moving on with our future.. .i.e. the move to our joint owned home.
He has now turned the tables saying he will only move to a house here in the same town....(staying near his friends/sports clubs) and maintaining his son still needs him and if we move his son won't visit.(his son is at college and drives his own car,now has a part time job,lots of mates both make and female)...We have had several issues with him i.e. drugs,then unprotected sex resulting in an STD, £3k of damage to his car through stupid driving on an industrial estate at night..I have stood and supported my partner through this and despite my partner knowing I'm getting unhappier because of all the afore mentioned he still refuses to move on with our lives as discussed.


I could go on and on but I won't,I'll bring it to an end.. .The money from my marital home is my only asset. My ex husband was an abusive man and when we separated he threatened me with so much that I dropped my solicitor and took nothing- None of his pensions- No massive payout- he kept the business we had just set up which is now huge and he also kept a holiday home we borrowed against our mortgage for.
The only thing I have is the equity and my own pension. I was more than happy to combine this with my partner but now it's on his terms.
I have seen a small property 10 mins away and want to buy it. It's only a little apt but I fell in love with it. It will give me back both financal security and space away from this mans world my partner is so intent on keeping to.

My question is...Do you think this is a fair solution. If I don't buy it I will resent him...Am I dreaming if I think we can maintain a relationship this way?
I can't bear to hurt him by doing this as he wants me there 24/7, but I'm hurting so much myself. I feel lost in it all...

OP posts:
FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 22/07/2017 12:05

Sounds perfect. This is what I think I'll end up doing.

The whole step situation can be so stressful and DP keeps saying once the DCs are older we can move in together. But I can envisage the DCs still needing lots of money, favours, grandkids babysitting, a place to stay when their relationships don't work out etc and I don't want that. I have 3 DCs who will be expected to be independent and responsible - obviously I will help them but not to the extent that I know DP will want to support his DCs. (One example being weddings, I paid for my own with XH, my DCs will be expected to do the same (with maybe a smallish cash gift if I can afford it). DP will end up funding a £30k extravaganza for his DDs while I'm comparing prices on the washing powder and buying own brand ketchup!!

I think a small place of your own would be ideal and then you can be as involved as you choose to be with your DP and his pursuits while still having your own life. Do it!

AlternativeTentacle · 22/07/2017 12:08

I would thoroughly recommend spending your money on you and get some space from this.

ijustwannadance · 22/07/2017 12:17

Buy your own place. Having your own space away from the situation will give you security and time to think.

Your DP has already gone back on everything he said he would too. Time to think about yourself.

Birthdayweekend22 · 22/07/2017 13:19

I think I you should protect your own interests for now and for your future. Buy the flat you can live there or rent it out

Lesley65 · 22/07/2017 16:36

He's devastated and making me feel dreadful...but I just think I've been so fair and patient.
He says I'm leaving him and not wanting to live there anymore means I've made my choice.

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 22/07/2017 16:45

This is one if those times op when you absolutely have to think of yourself :)

Hermonie2016 · 22/07/2017 17:05

I feel his statements are manipulative as guilt tripping you.Ignore them, he can still have a relationship with you but you will have space and options (I suspect he isn't keen for you to have options)

It's sensible to get a property for many reasons and he's not looking out for your interests.You have to do it for yourself.

Don't give up space and financial security for a man who won't commit.

You could rent the house out if/when his son goes to Uni.I would be suspicious of his motives since love means putting your interests first.

thestamp · 22/07/2017 17:18

He sounds manipulative and childish.

Buy the place op. I advised my mother the same 10 years ago. She ignored me and threw her lot in with the man in question... Gave him her equity as a deposit... Aaaaaand she is now in her 60s with no property, living hand to mouth. He went off and married another woman, paid her out but now prices are too high and my mother is fucked tbh.

Take care of yourself op. He is not going to put you first, he's made that really really clear tbh.

SmokedGlass · 22/07/2017 17:27

I think that's a great idea Lesley, security for your future and just in case your relationship comes to an end, you have put yourself first,
Keep your options open and safeguard yourself. No one else will.
One day his son will move out and your DP will have put his life and relationship with you on hold for what?
You won't be hurting him, he has changed the goalposts for your future
You do not have to sit there and take it you can get on with making yourself happy

PurpleWithRed · 22/07/2017 17:33

You've waited long enough. You've put up with his lifestyle for all these years in the hope he will create the kind of future you want, and he's chosen not to. Create a future you want - he may decide he wants to join you in it after all, if not the sooner you know the better.

Ragwort · 22/07/2017 17:39

Absolutely buy your own place ................. and in your situation I would give serious consideration as to whether you really want to stay in this relationship - it sounds very 'one sided'.

annoyedand · 22/07/2017 17:48

Whilst I understand that you want your own place and think it's quite unfair your partner is turning this on you saying you are leaving,,, I think you are being very unfair to him.

His child may be 18 but he is still his son and we're you an adult at 18. If his son has been through issues surely this is more reason
For his dad to want to be available for him??

As for the sports of this has been his hobby for years why would he want to give that up?

Surely there's a compromise here I wouldn't be giving him your money but I do think you need to be more considerate towards him parenting his son

crazykitten20 · 22/07/2017 18:00

Perfect. Do it. Don't give another man control over you.

Grumpyoldwoman007 · 22/07/2017 18:10

Voice of experience here and I would say go for it.

Guccibelt · 22/07/2017 18:21

Definitely protect your money. Buy the place if you love it and enjoy your life.

Lesley65 · 22/07/2017 18:54

Annoyedand.
There us a lot more to this than I have written...such as I pay a huge amount to him every month to live there and he won't make a provision in his will for me should anything happen to him. He says I won't be thrown out by the executor of the will... (who happens to be the mother of his son)
All my worldly goods are now making his house a home....and I've waited 2 years for him to finally change his mind.
All I wanted was for us to secure the future we discussed.

OP posts:
Pantryboy · 22/07/2017 19:02

OP he is taking advantage of you .....GO and LTB

Lesley65 · 22/07/2017 19:05

Thats not what this is about though.
I'm asking if I'm right or wrong.
I can assure you selfish is the last word that can be ever used on me. Even my partner says my heart is bigger than anyone he has ever met.
He has stopped our plans because he was born and bred in the town we live and is scared to move on in life...he uses anything he can as an excuse.. .and I've waited 6 years to learn this.
I'm asking if I can save our relationship by making an independent move.

OP posts:
Grumpyoldwoman007 · 22/07/2017 19:05

Your story sounds very similar to mine op. Don't waste any more time feeling unhappy and used

Lesley65 · 22/07/2017 19:07

The above was for Annoyedand and this too
I have a good relationship with his son I think the world of him and he wouldn't bat an eyelid to move house 10mins down the road...

OP posts:
Ragwort · 22/07/2017 19:20

Why do you even want to save your relationship with him Hmm - he sounds utterly selfish - why are you paying a 'huge amount' to him just to be his lodger bed mate ??? He sounds incredibly immature if he won't consider moving out of his home town.

Buy your own place, move out and you will realise how much you enjoy your own company. Smile.

LisaMed1 · 22/07/2017 19:22

I suggest you google 'future faker' and also consider what he would lose financially if you move out.

I strongly suspect that your relationship will not survive you moving out, but I also believe that you will lose more money and peace of mind staying there. You are throwing away your life on someone who seems to be stringing you on

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NotMyPenguin · 22/07/2017 19:27

You can always buy it and rent it out if the arrangement doesn't work out -- either way, it sounds like you really like the property and need somewhere to invest your equity. So it makes a lot of sense.

It might shock your DP into making some changes if he wants to keep living with you full-time. Or you might both find that it's a relief to be able to live how you want some of the time, but still see a lot of each other!

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 22/07/2017 19:30

Take a leaf out of his book and be totally selfish - buy your own place.

He has made it very clear he is happy as things are and it taking you for an absolute mug. Of course hes guilt tripping you, at the moment he is financially much better off with you there paying a 'huge amount every month'!! I have a feeling he sees you as a cash-cow and nothing more.

Dont throw away your only security on a man, they rarely derserve it. Flowers

mydietstartsmonday · 22/07/2017 19:31

Buy the property, even if you decide to stay you still have an investment and stop paying huge amounts to stay somewhere where you are not happy.

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