I'm so unhappy I feel like I can't go on

[Yorkshirelass2016]

I don't know where to start really.. I'm in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years and during that time I have struggled to cope with him. He is ALWAYS right and never compromises, I don't really have any say in the relationship, he likes order and routine and it all to be at his schedule.

He is emotionless and struggles to cope seeing my emotions he just walks out and leaves for anywhere from an hour to a few days.

He shows no emotion in terms of how he feels about me and most of the time he gives a really good impression of being bored or rather he can't be arsed with puttin any effort in.

He doesn't talk to me, he ignores me a lot of the time when he does talk to me it's hard to find something that will engage him in conversation like I said he just seems like he can't be arsed.

All he says is negative comments to me all the time or being patronising or mimicking things I have said. It really hurts me, I don't know what to do. Yesterday I told him I was feeling a bit low and suggested we go to cinema when I got home from work. He wanted to but when I got home he seemed in a bad mood and was mimicking things I said and nit picking about other things as usual. I told him to stop but he would and carried on in car when we got to cinema I couldny speak to him I was so upset and only We collected our tickets but then he walked out saying there was a bad atmosphere. I was upset I was already feeling down then all this, he then drove away from house for a few hours and I got even more upsecbuMy mum was emotionally bullied by my dad all her life... I just feel same thing is happening to me. I have no where to go, no control over it.. I feel so alone I hate my life, im so trapped. We have been through a lot together which is the thing that keeps us together we don't have any kids but we have tried in 37 now but in the relationship I've had a couple of miscarriages, my dad passed away whilst we have been together, I've had cancer treatment and we had a bad break in at our home and lost a lot of irreplaceable things.. we have had some amazing things as well, we have been able to travel the world together and I've been able to do a lot for my mum since my dad died which andy said supported me with. But the arguments and walking out without ever resolving anything is too much for me, I never feel we understand each other and at times feel very alone in a packed room. I don't know what to do.

[springydaffs]

Do the Freedom Programme. Click on 'find a course' to find a course near you.

There is a way out of this hell xx

[bimbobaggins]

The same thing is happening to you. Is there any reason you feel you can't leave?
Walking around on eggshells when someone is in a bad mood is no way to like but you get used to it and see it as the norm. You don't have to put up with this.

[springydaffs]

Click on 'find a course' on their site xx

[Coffeeonadrip]

It's great that you have had good times together and stuck together through tough times too. That will never change and will be great memories for you.

At this moment however it seems he does not give you what you need: love and respect, support and understanding.

It may be that the relationship has run its course which is sad but it happens.

What do you want from a partner now and in the future? Can you really see yourself with him in 5 years' time? What is best for you and your health and wellbeing. It does sound like the lack of understandingand support is making you unwell.

Do what is best for you even if it means starting over. 🌼

[ExplodedCloud]

How would you feel if your pregnancies had worked and he ignored a baby for days? If he could blow so cold with the most precious thing you'd done together?
Whatever else you feel, this man is not emotionally mature enough to be a selfless father. :(
You are replicating bad relationships. If you have a child with this man you will hand on some level of disfunction. Your dd could be posting here.

[ExplodedCloud]

*before anyone says it, I had miscarriages. And shit relationships!

[thestamp]

Love, you need to end this.

The fact that it was good once doesn't make it ok to be with someone who is so hateful and cruel to you now.

I assume you live together? Are you both on the lease/deeds?

[MyheartbelongstoG]

Is his name Andy? Its in your op.

[Yorkshirelass2016]

We live together it's my house..

Think part of reason I stay is that I have failed at getting pregnant would just feel like the whole thing has been a waste of we split up what was it all for ? I struggle with loss and losing someone, I think the heart ache of losing my dad, miscarriages and break in we have had as well as illness has meant I don't want to give up I stick with t hoping will turn out okay. But it's making me so tired, I have no energy to keep getting back up, if I apologise it will all be over until the next time. He won't ever apologise. I just feel alone in this life I have. I feel like I want to sell my house and move closer to my family like my mum, ( currently she lives on one side of England and I'm on the other) I feel like that's giving up and crazy thing to do, throwing everything away. But financially I could sell my house and start again. I think I also feel guilty I don't know how he will feel he won't have anything without me it has all been a waste for him as well. But he may be happier and I guess he could rent a flat on his own. I don't know I'm just so confused and tired and no energy.. I'm not at the house I left last night I couldn't be there this weekend but I'm back at work on Monday and that sense of dread is already there. I have quite a stressful job as well and all this with him is just making me feel like I'm on a guinea pig nightymare, I could Do the job cos it's well paid if he appreciated me. But it's like he has no respect for my weekend time off he starts picking rows with me before I finish for weekend. I suggested we go to cinema on Thursday night and he left me in be cinema because he got really frustrated that I hadn't bourght pop corn in the same queue as he bourght cinema tickets. I thought he was buying popcorn and when I realised he hadn't I had already stepped out the queue so joined another queue, he came up behind me frustrated that I hadn't stayed in the previous queue and I said I will just get them from here. He said I was being funny and walked out.. that's my life.. when he's in a mood that's my life.. this is after being at work all day. He had driven us to cinema so I had to run after him as he stormed out. I know I ask for a lot of this, I probably shouldn't have gone with him told him to feck off but I don't know how to handle this situation I don't know what I should do for the best. I'm not strong enough for it all. I'm just so down I have thought about everything walking away from my life completely, leaving him, suicide everything I just feel so worthless and pitiful.. i feel pathetic.

[KJPxx]

I don't want to be a 'thread stealer' but I'm in the process of a tricky separation where I'm having to keep most of my life a complete secret - Mumsnet has been a godsend for giving me advice even at times when I didn't accept it.
But, I'm breaking away from a 9 year relationship that has been just as you described. A man who grunted when I spoke. Who's idea of a response was a nod.
Who belittled me and criticised me daily. Who threatened me, made me feel terrified to speak or think for myself.
Please see this for what it is - EMOTIONAL ABUSE - and do not hope it's going to get better. Only if he admits what he is doing is wrong and seeks the right help do you stand a chance of him changing, however I've come to notice that my soon to be ex only ever admitted guilt when faced with me walking away. He soon returned to his old tricks.
If your partner hasn't already hit you, his behaviour will likely get worse and it will become physical.
A person who makes the person they claim to love feel so low doesn't deserve them, and you should be happy.
The last thing you want to do is consider throwing children into the mix. I'm having to tear apart my family and I wish I'd never had to let my children witness the abuse of their mother but I did.
Walking away from a toxic relationship for the right reasons is not failure xx
I hope you're OK OP, and I hope you find peace xx

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

Yorkshirelass it wasn't a waste but it is now. You need to boot him out so fast he won't know what's happening. What an utter knob!!!!!

[thestamp]

Op... You are Literally describing how you feel like you should keep throwing good money after bad. Because he was nice once, you should put up with him being absolutely fucking awful to you. In case he magically turns back to who he was before...??

This is from a very good blog called Baggage Reclaim:

"It doesn’t make sense for us to stay in a relationship where what we feel was good about it is in the past, because we’re only making ourselves feel bad by staying. We’re holding ourselves hostage to a situation on the basis that the other party, if we’re pleasing enough, they will feel sufficiently inspired to feel and behave in a way that credits us for the previous, time, energy, effort and emotions ‘spent’.

That’s our agenda not a joint agenda.

Sure, we have memories, good times and the like but if we’re at the point where we’re having an internal battle about whether to stay or go, we need to pay attention to what is and the net content of our relationship. What we can’t do is make a decision based on fear of not getting ROI on a previous decision because we run the major risk of doing things for the wrong reasons. We might stay with Bob because we’re trying to make up for the Tom decisions and so on and so on.

Park the past decisions and look at the fresh decision. When you consider how things have been and who each of you are in the relationship now, how does that affect your decision? When you accept reality, is it at odds with the reasons why you invested?

Truly loving, healthy relationships will always have logical reasons based on what is. Don’t block your own happiness and extend your pain out of an irrational desire to recoup what was."

Post is here. I encourage you to read the whole blog tbh... www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/weve-got-to-stop-trying-to-recoup-our-sunk-costs-in-our-relationships/

[Neutrogena]

It's only pathetic if you put up with the status quo and stay with this worthless piece of crap. The fact you're writing on here means you're thinking of leaving him.
Do it. He is scum.

[Colabar]

OP do you really want to waste another five years in this dysfunctional relationship. It won't ever get better!

[Yorkshirelass2016]

I know I just feel so sad for being such a loser in all this and for giving my heart to someone it's like I don't want to accept the reality of the situation cos if I did it's all too ugly and loveless on both sides because of the resentment I feel for him. My mum was in a relationship like this with my father and has suffered a lot because of it she struggles still, I saw that and thought I would never end up in another relationship like that and it kills me that I have. He's just so selfish he has found a way for him to control arguments and disagreements by just cutting me off. So he walked out of cinema Thursday and next day went drinking with work buddies during the day Friday. After I got home from work he was still out so I got some things and went to my mums which is where Iam now. He seemed genuinely worried about me when he got home last night and realised I wasn't there and seemed better this morning I thought that may have helped me taking a bit of control. But suddenly morning he turned tables on me and didn't want to discuss what happened I either forget it immediately or started saying we should split up. He hung up phone and deleted me on all social media only messaging me to say he had had enough and would be gone by time I got home. I now don't know what to think if he means it or not to be honest I just feel like he's playing with my emotions and feelings and trying to get me to come home in a mad panic.. but how does that show he cares about me, so I could crash my car distracted and upset, I then also have to somehow go to work Monday and hold it together through all sorts of intense meetings. Again he doesn't seem to care. I just think I need to make a decision.. but I can't stay where I live I need to move away.. if I leave him I need to leave him or he will talk his way back unless he really means it this time and it's not a control tactic and he has actually left which would be the end and I guess I would be free from the web I have got caught up in.

[GlitterSparkles17]

Let him leave. It's the best thing. If he's still there when you get back then ask him to leave.
You've had to leave your own house this weekend all because of his abusive behaviour.
Move to be closer to your mum and forge a new life.
He actually sounds like a 12 year old.

[Yorkshirelass2016]

I do feel very alone. It's hard to admit to friends and family how bad things are and not think you sound like a victim or the good girl and he's the bad guy.. I just want some support I guess to do it to leave him.. he tells me I will end up on my own all my life I will never have anyone that I'm a ugly hag, he says a lot to me a lot of stuff that hurts, I can't be honest with people cos people don't want to hear how bad things are they have enough with their own lives. I have to find the strength from somewhere to stand up to him, we don't have kids, we aren't married.. but the pushing me down and stamping my fire out has gone on so long I don't know who I am now.

[GlitterSparkles17]

He's saying your ugly and will end up alone because he knows that isn't true, he wants you to believe it is so you don't leave him, he wants you to think you will never do better than him.
You WILL find someone a million times the "man" he is.
You deserve better, even being alone you will be so much happier without him dragging you down. I don't know how you cope with this.

[Yorkshirelass2016]

Thanks Glittersparkles17 I don't cope really I really don't. I know it's hurting me now I have told him that I mean it's like affecting my personality and view of the world. He says these things and then said it was heat of the moment he didn't mean it, but I don't think that's true. He's a very intelligent guy he knows what he's doing, but he is very short tempered. My dad was very ill before his death and although my he wasn't the best husband he was a great dad and I loved him a lot so was hard to see him suffer. I met my partner during that time and he was very supportive and his strength and control did help me through it that time because my mum was a mess and was hard getting life sorted. I didn't see it how he was till it was too late and ended up in this relationship, I needed him then and was hard to break up with him. I thought things would get better but it never did. I just met him at a bad time and my judgement was off, losing a parent created such chaos in my life his directives was a good trait at the time.. but that just continued he never let me really get back on my feet and be myself again. It's been sad it really has. Thanks for all your support.. hopefully he has left when I get home, although I'm not gonna lie and say I won't be sad in a way he will have made it easier for me to start putting my life back together. I hope I'm strong enough to do it if he hasn't left. Maybe I do need to talk about it with friends maybe that would help give me strength I think I feel ashamed of myself and I don't want them to pity me for putting up with it although I don't think it will come as a big shock to them. He has been awful in their presecnce before now. Thanks again everyone

[chips4teaplease]

Copy and save the thread. Return to it every time you think you'd like to be with him.

Next time he's out, pack his stuff and put it outside. If it's your house, get the locks changed.

Enough is enough. You've had enough. Get rid.

[GlitterSparkles17]

But it's not just "heat of the moment" stuff it's just his personality and the way he's always going to be with you. Do you want to feel like this for the rest of your life? You would completely regret it. You have one life to live please don't waste it being unhappy.
I know you will feel sad if he leaves, that's totally understandable but you know deep down he will not change and you will be so much happier without him. You will come out of your shell and eventually back to your normal self. Be strong and do this.