I can't cope with the DCs as DH passed away

[rubbishmumof5]

Not sure what or why I'm posting I just have no one in real life I feel like I can talk too.

DH died nearly a month ago he had cancer we only found out 5 months before he died that he had it. I was pregnant at the time and it all happened so fast
He was the best parent in the world so much better than me and we are all lost without him.

The oldest DCs are so upset all the time DD1 doesn't like being around us anymore and the younger ones ask for him and they just don't understand he isn't coming back no matter how many times I explain it.

Today just seems like it would never end. The baby wouldn't stop crying and I just couldn't deal with him anymore so I left him in a room to cry alone and then I felt so guilty about it I cried too.

Which made me late getting the DCs from school/ nursery so they were upset.

Then just before bedtime DD2 got upset because I wasn't as good at hugging as DH. She said that she wished I would go to heaven and she could have DH back. DD1 then chimed in saying she wishes I had died as well in fact she would be happy if I went to heaven to and she could do what she liked. DD2 then got upset because she didn't really want me to die she just wants her daddy back.
It then took over an hour to get them go to bed.

I don't know what to do for them any more they just want their dad and I can't bring him back. I wish I had died instead of him I just miss him so much.

[TooStressyForMyOwnGood]

You are not a rubbish mum and they don't hate you . It feels that way at the moment because you are all going through a truly shit time.

There are organisations such as Winston's wish or Cruse that can help you talk to the children about what has happened. Do you have any practical support with the DC with bedtime etc?

[Bitrustyandbusty]

I have no advice, sorry, just wanted to write as that sounds so tough. The kids are just being kids, but you know that. Can you muster up outside support? You need to grieve as well as support them. Unimaginably tough, stay strong, I cannot imagine. Sorry for your loss.

[lougle]

Oh that's rough! What a good Mum you are that they can tell you how they feel without felling scared of how you'll react

This too, shall pass

[2ManyDicksOnTheDancefloor]

This is truly the saddest thing I have read on mumsnet, I wish I could give you a massive hug.
You are a fantastic mum! Do you have family nearby who could help out and give you a break? I don't really have any advice as I don't know how I would cope myself, but if you're in West Yorkshire I'd gladly come over and help you out xx

[Ojoj1974]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound like a wonderful wife and mother who is having a truly horrendous time at the moment. I want to give you a huge hug and some flowers x
Please ask your Dr or the staff who looked after your husband for some professional support. There are charities which may be able to offer you a holiday too.

Please let us know how you get on. Sending you love and strength x

[cestlavielife]

You all need support and help
Go to ypur gp to start the process
Ask for therapy together and separately
Call Winston wish
If you need practical support maybe school family liaison person or social services can help
Everyone s behaviour is reaction to bereavement and is normal
What you all needs is support
Please call gp tomorrow and ask what help is there locally

[cestlavielife]

Cancer charities can help too
Call Macmillan and tell them

[NK346f2849X127d8bca260]

Baby will not suffer from lasting damage because you left him to cry it out, please don't beat yourself up about it.
I was going to mention Winstons Wish, a child I know used the service, they were very helpful to her.
Have you got any family support? You have a lot to deal with so do take any offers of help.
Really sorry to hear that you have lost your lovey DH and he was obviously a great dad too.

[cestlavielife]

www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/coping/getting-support/talking-to-us/macmillan-support-line.html

Call them tomorrow at 09.00 and tell thedm everything
They can work put how to get real syluppport

[cestlavielife]

Then call your gp
Has your gp been in touch with you

[MyCalmX]

I'm so sorry you are all going through this. You are doing the best you can and one month is such a short time.

I wish I had some advice that could help.

[NoClassWithNoDoodle]

So sorry for your loss, there are just no words. I hope you and your family get some help, please stay strong. Do you have family close by? As pp have suggested maybe speak to your gp or Macmillan

[rubbishmumof5]

The older two DCs are getting some counselling through school at the moment.
I have BIL (DHs brother) for some emotional support but they live ages away so they can't do anything practical. I would also feel bad leaving the DCs because they get so upset and worried when I leave them for any length of time they even get upset in school and sometimes I struggle to get them to go in.

BIL has invited us to go on holiday with his family in the summer but DD 1 doesn't want to go because it's not really a holiday without DH.

[gingerparkin]

So sorry you are going through this, didn't want to read and run. You are probably doing so much better than you think you and the kids are taking out their anger and grief on you. I don't have anything helpful to say other than try and get them someone to talk to and take up every offer of help given to you. If you need five mins to yourself, take 5 mins. The baby will be fine. Thinking of you and sending some virtual support xxx

[Gazelda]

You've all had a terrible shock, and are going through the worst pain imaginable. I echo other posters who have suggested you seek outside help and support. Did your DH spend any time in a hospice? Our local one offers amazing support services to the bereaved. And I've heard great things about Winstons Wish.

You are being a wonderful mum, don't ever feel you're not. It's such early days, and you must still be in the throes of baby-chaos too. Please seek support. Have a ((hug)) from me.

[SnowiestMountain]

Oh I'm so sorry, sounds absolutely awful OP, it's also clear you're doing your very best with something hardly any of us would be able to cope with

Please get some help, the places that previous posters have suggested are a good place to start

[cestlavielife]

One day at a time

There is no right or wrong way

Tell dd1 you want to all go away together and be with. Bil
It will help
You understand what she is saying
Is there anyone nearer you ?

[Savvyandchips]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Some brill advice already given. Please please don't be so hard on yourself and get the help you need. I bet you are an amazing mummy. You will get though this and smile again xx

[Mrsknackered]

I think you sound amazing OP. Your children love you so much, and I know you know that.
How lucky are they to have someone to look up to who can support their family after going through a tragedy?
Vent as much as you need on here OP, there are many who have been through what you have on here and lots of PP's have given you some good links to support.
I don't think you necessarily need to leave the children but if BIL could come and stay for even just a weekend? Just someone to take the littlest whilst you spend some time with the bigger ones?
I second the W. Yorkshire comment. Xxx

[LurpakIstheOnlyButter]

You are all grieving. The kids process it differently to adults and don't mean to be hurtful with what they say, they are hurting just like you.
I'm so sorry OP. As other people have suggested, see what help and support you can get to help you through these early and tough days.

for you all.

[LurpakIstheOnlyButter]

And I third the w. Yorks comment.

If I can help, shout x

[sweetsleep]

It's such early days. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It's so sad. I wish you well.

[Adelie0404]

You poor thing. You and the children are suffering so much. It is unimaginable and makes me want to cry, but you have to carry on. You need all the support and help you can get. Other parents can help with the DC at weekends? Take all offers. Be there and be kind to your DC. It will be hard when you don't feel you can, but you will feel better for it. And have time for yourself, somehow..

[ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo]

Do YOU think the holiday with BIL will be a good idea? If so, do it. How your DD feels today is just how her grief is manifesting itself - she could feel different tomorrow, or next week. Explain to your DD that everyone on your holiday will understand because you will all be missing your DH together, and sharing will help you support each other.

So sorry, it must be hard. A month is no time at all.

[rubbishmumof5]

Thank you for your offers of help but I am not near Yorkshire.
I have asked in the doctors about counselling but there is a waiting list.

I have a couple of friends who have offered to help for a couple of hours in the holidays. Which I'm hoping will help but asking someone to look after 5 DCs as well as their own is a big ask.