Not a big deal but...

[Hadagutsful]

Before I start this, I know there are a whole lot of people out there worse off than me.

DH's work seems to have taken over our lives. He works (theoretically) in a 9-5 job but the hours are creeping up and up. He brings work home in the evenings and on weekends. His phone seems to be ringing out of hours or pinging with emails. I gave up my job some years ago to be a stay at home parent: this was a decision we made together as we felt it was right for our family. We have 3 DC aged 7 and under. They're lovely, but hard work. He is an active parent when he's here but by the time he's home it's usually bath and bedtime and then after they're in bed he's working again.

I feel like I didn't sign up for this. It's not that he's bringing work home because he has poor time management skills - he's good at his job and because of this I think more is being asked of him. I don't think he'd ever say no to any of it, partly because he likes his job and partly because I think he likes being important and needed in the company. He's also being lined up for a promotion. I get that he's hardworking and I shouldn't moan about it but I feel more and more like our relationship is moving lower down his list of priorities.

I'm not sure if I should discuss it with him (or how to). He gets defensive if I try to suggest he's working too much. He also brushes it off by saying it'll be better after this deadline, or when someone is back from leave or a new starter comes into the team. It just never gets any better. Even if he's not working, he's then knackered so the best "quality time" we get is plonked in front of a box set. I kind of wish I'd never given up work, and perhaps he could have had a job with less responsibility so then his work/life balance might be a bit more even. Though he is quite ambitious (in a quiet way!), so perhaps that never would have happened.

I guess I'm asking, should I try to talk to him or just accept it as part of who he is?

Thanks for any advice.

[Naicehamshop]

I was in a similar situation years ago when my kids were young, and it caused huge amounts of resentment in the relationship.

I know it's difficult, but I think you really need to sit him down and explain to him exactly how you feel; I'm sure this isn't what you signed up for when you had kids! I also think you need to think seriously about going back to work as soon as is possible/practical. I think this is the only way you are going to get him to understand how a "balanced" relationship works.

[Hadagutsful]

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I think probably you are right about returning to work, although I fear that's a whole other thread (I don't want to return to my pre-children 'career', don't really know what I want to do next, plus I've lost a lot of confidence in my abilities over the last few years while I've not been working). Still I know it's something that can and will happen.

Having slept on it, I don't think I can say anything to him. I can't think how to phrase it without sounding ungrateful for how hard he works for the family and I don't want to create even more tension.

I guess I'll just keep the mantra: this too shall pass eventually at some point maybe after this deadline

Thanks again.

[AlternativeTentacle]

Having slept on it, I don't think I can say anything to him. I can't think how to phrase it without sounding ungrateful for how hard he works for the family and I don't want to create even more tension.

You can. You can say what is the point when he never gets to spend time with this family he is supporting. and nobody gets promoted to a higher level when they are currently doing all the work, as there will be nobody there to do all that work.

[thekillers]

Maybe he feels too great responsibility being the only earner?Worries about losing his job? Maybe he feels that he needs the promotion to get enough money to stop worrying?

That said if he is professional many work long hours and out of hours.

Would you getting a job reduce his working hours?

[EssieTregowan]

We're in a similar situation, although it does have an end date (he assures me!).

Since January he's been doing an extra hour per day in the office, coming home and working all evening, and working every weekend from 6am-12 and then again in the evening.

It's mainly because they are at the end of a three year project but partly because of the money (which is admittedly very good).

But it's very very wearing, and I worry for his health working a 70hr week (it's crept up and up).

I am going to strong arm him into taking tonight off, or at least only working until say 9pm. If I don't nudge him he just works all his waking hours. He leaves the house at 6 and works until midnight. It's crazy.

I'm also a SAHM and the kids are all at school so I feel immense guilt and pressure to do everything so he doesn't have to do anything. And I feel guilty every time I spend money because he's working so hard for it (totally my issue and not his, I should add though).

No advice, just sympathy. It's hard, for both of you.

[TheNaze73]

I agree with thekilkers

There is added pressure when you are the sole earner, being responsible for 3+ mouths to feed. Why don't you get back into the workplace, to help ease the workload?

[Ifailed]

You need to have a discussion. Sounds like his employer is taking advantage and maybe he feels he can't refuse? Perhaps he should be looking for another job, somewhere the work/life balance is fairer.
What are your contingency plans if he does burn out? What are you doing about getting back to work yourself, or do you intend to be a SAHM until he retires?

[MyheartbelongstoG]

I think he sounds like a star!

Yes yes yes to you getting back to work.

[scottishdiem]

You do need to have a conversation but if you come across as resentful it will probably be hard conversation.

"I feel like I didn't sign up for this." - what did you sign up for? Three kids and staying at home wasnt forced on you. Did you discuss with him what time he was to be home? Did you discuss with him that his method of relaxing after working a lot (box sets) doesnt do it for you? Did you ask him how much stress is involved in making sure you all have a home and food on the table is? Did you ask him to curb his quiet ambition?

You need to decide what you want to do - perhaps frame it as seeking opportunities to retrain and gain a bit of practical experience for when you return to working. In addition mention that even though he does work hard he is missing out on time with the kids and time with you.

[EssieTregowan]

Going back to work may not be an option.

I'm unable to work due to my health, and with three dc (although mine are older) the OP might not have the earning power to justify childcare.

Plus, if he's working all hours, someone needs to be able to do the house, admin, thinking, cooking blah blah blah. It won't make their lives any easier, necessarily.

[coffeeaddict]

I think jobs are just getting harder. Emails chase people home. Job security is less. It is really, really hard to find a work-life balance these days. So this may not be about him prioritising you but about him keeping his head above water. Could you talk to him sympathetically about this problem that you both have - i.e. excessive work demands - rather than make it him against you?

[Hadagutsful]

Wow, thanks everyone for suggestions and sympathy.

Essie has hit the nail on the head: me going back to work now would make things harder as we would need to pay for childcare (youngest DC will start nursery in September). I do want to return to work and am currently in the "research and preparation" phase - trying to decide what to pursue and how to go about it. I am mindful that this is an opportunity, though in a way that makes it more scary!

I don't think he is necessarily worried about being the only wage earner or keeping our heads above water. Without wishing to discuss his CV his job is as secure as it can be and the company he works for is doing well. I think it is just par for the course with his level of job.

scottishdiem what did I sign up for? Erm... I guess I thought I was getting a nice Enid Blyton style setup, faintly 1950s (husband goes out to work, I stay home with kids, dinner on the table when he comes home sort of thing). The feminist in me is rolling her eyes, but it sounded nice. I guess I didn't figure how hard it actually would be, or how DH's career would take off.

He is a star. Absolutely. And I love him dearly. I think if nothing else, this thread has helped me realise that, while I have a problem at the moment, I think it's MY problem. He can't reasonably be expected to do more than he is. If he's knackered and just wants to watch TV in his spare time, that's valid (as I said, he is an active dad and our DC think he's wonderful). I think I have begun to resent him for going out and developing his skills/career etc even though I'm not particularly ambitious. I've been a SAHM for 5 years now and am ready for a change. I can't blame him for me being bored though!

He is really supportive of me taking up a hobby, even if it takes me out of the house of an evening. And that's lovely. But really, I miss him and want to spend that time with him. I just realised how needy that makes me sound. Maybe he's right.

[Ellisandra]

You miss him and want to spend time with him.

How is that needy?!

He is your husband. That's what I want from my partner! For them to want me

I would sort out what's going on for you re resentment and being ready to move on work wise.

I'd not go back to work only in expectation that he would work less - it won't happen, he doesn't sound like this is him doing the hours under duress, he wants to, he thinks it will get him further - and as you say, he wants to be needed.

There's a difference between complaining and telling him you miss him. You need to keep your relationship healthy. Sometimes just making sure you both know you're missed is part of that. If this is a long term situation, you both need to work out how to live with it - a weekend away without kids every 3 months, for example. That won't happen unless you TALK.

[Hadagutsful]

Huh. That's true too. I dunno, I feel really mixed up as there's a few issues coming in to play. Everyone loves him (honest, he is a genuinely lovely man) so I always figure it's my issues if I feel dissatisfied with something.

Maybe I will bring it up again. Just tell him that I miss him and see where the discussion goes from there.

Weekends away not really possible unfortunately due to a lack of babysitters! Even evenings out have become few and far between. We knew that before having DC though so it's not really something we have ever done.

Worth having a chat though. Thanks.

[Ladyformation]

Does it need to be a huge thing? Could you just say "feels like we haven't spent some proper time together for ages, I'd love to go for lunch/dinner/to the theatre/for a walk on the beach with you next Saturday"? So it's a specific thing rather than feeling like a generalised complaint (justified or not), with a specific outcome.

[Tofutti]

I'm curious about his job? Is he a city lawyer?

I work with a lot of senior people, including execs, and they manage to leave by c.5.30pm, except rarely when is a huge deal being worked on.

I wouldn't discount the possibility that he prefers being at work or is not managing his time effectively.

[Hadagutsful]

Yes I take your point and think it's definitely worth having as a resolution for what to do in future, but I think I've reached a point where I need to talk it out with him too.

[Hadagutsful]

Sorry Tofutti, didn't see your post. I'd rather not discuss his job for risk of "outing" us.

It's not time management issues. It could be control issues, he's historically been bad at delegating but is having to get better.

I don't think he prefers being at work, though it's possible that he likes it as much as being home... but then, he likes his job, so lucky him I guess?

[MarieLaure]

I could have written your posts OP. My DH works long hours in a "big" job involving lots of travel, while I'm a SAHM to 3 small DCs. I do believe that his job necessitates the hours (and the constant checking of emails, "quick" phonecalls on holiday etc) but it does, nevertheless, wind me up a bit. If I step back I can see that we've achieved a really effective (in practical terms) division of labour, but we have to work to keep our relationship on track, and I've had to find a way to feel like something other than a 1950s housewife. For me this has meant taking on a voluntary board role and doing some online study courses - purely for interest at this stage. I don't feel that I can go back to work just now: my former career was also demanding. We have no family support, our lifestyle would have to radically change in terms of kids' activities etc, and with childcare / wraparound care / animal care etc I don't think I'd make much money from paid employment. Finding an intellectual challenge and non-child related purpose in other ways has been the best short term solution, and when I've also got other things going on I feel less resentful of DH (who I do think is doing his best!).

[Naicehamshop]

Ok op - I'm going to go slightly against the grain here.

It's great that he is working hard to support the family, but he is also a husband and father and you and the dc need his support. You are not some second class citizen who has to stay at home and do all the low value stuff such as cleaning and basic childcare. If you start to think that you have no choice but to accept this (and be grateful) you will find yourself in a very unbalanced relationship in a few years time.

I was you (quite) a few years ago. My dh got busier and busier, and moved further and further up the career ladder. It was always going to get easier when the current project finished, when they managed to employ someone else to take on some of the load etc etc. His work never eased off, I started to feel like a single parent, the longer I stayed at home the more my confidence ebbed away...

Don't be like me.

Think about it.

[Hadagutsful]

Marielaure, sympathy for you, though glad you have some other channels! I should be more proactive on that front.

Naicehamshop, what do you wish you'd done differently?

[Naicehamshop]

I should have put myself first. If you don't insist that you are equally worthy then no one else will do it for you, iyswim.

[PastaOfMuppets]

OP, I didn't want to read and run, your post struck a bit of a nerve.
Your husband sounds like my DF when I was younger.
It must be difficult for you, but he needs a reminder that it's not just his DW who needs and wants him around.
Your DC don't want to grow up knowing Daddy's work is more important than they are.
Trust me, kids notice when a parent is absent and they internalise what it means.
If he's such a 'star' he should be horrified at the thought that he's bringing up his children to know they're not top priority and to believe that good men/dads aren't present in their families.
Good luck, OP.

[Hadagutsful]

Naicehamshop, ok thank you. I think I do feel a bit like I am less of a priority (not to him, even to myself) because of the DC and DH being the breadwinner. I will be more assertive (but not in a competitive way).

Pastaofmuppets, I'm sorry that's how it went for you. I will be mindful of it but I'm not concerned that the DC feel he's absent (yet). When and if he starts missing things that are important to them or stops engaging with them, I will discuss it with him.

[MorrisZapp]

I don't know why people are calling him a star? Star dads put their kids to bed surely?

It's all part of the narrative that men who never see their kids because they're working are heroes, yet women or childless men somehow manage to work full time without it being portrayed as a massive sacrifice.

I'd be having an urgent team talk. This isn't what you agreed to so it's definitely time for a change. Don't let sexist tropes blind you to the fact he's abdicating family life.