Does anyone else ever wonder where the fuck they went wrong for their life to turn out as it has?

[LittleLucyLuce]

I feel like I'm surrounded by people with a seemingly perfect life, with amazing self esteem and for whom nothing ever goes wrong. My life, on the other hand is just a fucking catalogue of things going shit.

An acquaintance of mine brings out the envy in me; I know comparison is the thief of joy and we shouldn't compare ourselves to others and it's bad to be envious or jealous but I can't help it!

Acquaintance grew up with amazing supportive parents and sisters, in a very close family that she's still close to. She has loads of lovely, supportive close friends and is very popular. She then moved to the small town where I live and has made hundreds of close friends here too, even the popular, 'cool' people who have never given the likes of me the time of day! By contrast, I grew up with abusive parents who favoured my sister and with whom I'm now non contact with. They hated me having friends and criticised me constantly so I grew up with no friends and no self esteem. I did have a few friends at high school but they all bullied me and I was bullied by the majority of my year.

Perfect acquaintance has married someone who is quite well off, they live in an amazing barn conversion, with a house that is always immaculate and never gets untidy or messy; white sofas, bedding, grand piano etc. Her kids are perfectly behaved and she cooks beautiful meals and hosts dinner parties. By contrast, my husband and I are always skint, my kids often play up, my house is a mess.

Acquaintance always wears lovely clothes that I'd never have the confidence to wear. She still has amazing supportive friends and is always socialising and 'out with the girls'. I only have a handful of friends and they're frenemies really; one says I'm ugly, one hasn't even mentioned the 4 stone weight loss I achieved last year, others have no interest at all in anything about me.

I guess I just wonder where the fuck I've gone wrong with my life. Is it a self esteem thing where I just can't make the best of life because of my upbringing? For example I wouldn't ever have the confidence to wear the clothes I want to wear, let alone take a photo of myself to put on FB wearing them! I'd get ripped to pieces! I don't think it helps not having a single person in life who actually would have a good thing to say about me. My DH just thinks I'm an appliance, and doesn't really care about me as such.

I just want a fraction of the good luck and niceness in life that others seem to have :(

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Yes for sure! I never expected my life to turn out the way it has.
Still, I'm a big believer that everything happens for a reason and if you are patient enough it will come good in the end.

Re people with perfect lives - no one has a perfect life. You see what they want you to see, who knows how it is behind closed doors but I doubt it's all hearts and flowers. Personally, all the couples I see on fb who prefess undying love and go on countless date nights - they are all miserable.

Life is what you make it. Grab it by the balls and change what you are not happy with.

[Bosabosa]

Oh sweetheart- would say having abusive parents would be a huge reason as to why you have lousy mates and a lousy DH- your barometer of how to judge people's behaviour is way off as your parents were awful.
Am v sorry you had a crap childhood.
Doesn't mean to say you can only have a crap life though.
Can you get some counselling? To help you build your self esteem - once that is higher you will naturally be able to stop tolerating poor behaviour and start accepting good behaviour.
As a tip- get rid of not nice friends - really no point in having morons like that around . Even if it means you will have no friends for a while, no friends are better than bad friends and it leaves space in your life for nicer things to come into it.
There is on here a support group for those who had abusive parents- have a look if you haven't already. Is named something to do with stately homes I think.
Good luck OP

[665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast]

Stick out your elbows and shout " Out of the way, success coming through"

You know the phrase "comparison is the thief of joy" ? Its true, but if you can't help it make damn sure you do it both ways.
How well do you think your friend would have done it she had been dealt the same hand as you?
You might not have enjoyed parts of the journey so far, and..weeell, some of the scenery is still a bit shit, but you know that, you a dealing with it.. Bit at time you are fighting your way up. Sure you might never have the things she has, but she can never be the amazing person you are either.. It takes some seriously hard shit to polish a diamond.

[665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast]

I ought to explain that..
When you have dragged yourself up from a low place, no matter how much life tries to go to shit again.. It not a problem, because you know you can cope, you've done it before.
Yes your life didn't come in a gift box.. that's worth a bit of self pity, but You made it..all yourself how much better is that...? Why the fuck is someone who can do that not confident?
Buy the clothes.. Dump the joy suckers, "success coming though"

[Vari757]

I would just like to say, having lost 3st myself. Losing 4st is an incredible achievement that not a lot of people wpuld be able to do! Well done you, be proud!!

[Timefortea99]

I had a shit upbringing too, and sometimes I have been guilty of looking at other people's lives and have envied them for their looks, education, teeth, bank balance, confidence, car etc. However the older I have got the more I realise that there is absolutely nothing to be gained from envy - nobody has the perfect life, the person with the nice teeth might have piles, the person with all the confidence might be a complete doormat at home.

The best thing you can do is play the best game with the cards you have been dealt. Live the best life you can live, don't worry about anybody else. Wear the nice clothes - but if you fear you will be ridiculed, don't wear the nice clothes so you can get likes on Facebook, wear them because you want to, not because you need to get people's approval.

I don't have many friends, but again, as I have got older, I find I don't need them. I certainly don't need anybody's approval. I am my own best friend. At the moment you sound like you are your own worse enemy. You don't like yourself so why are you expecting others to like you?

[crazykitten20]

I will guarantee that Acquaintance does NOT have a perfect life. The grass isn't greener, it's just better watered. Find the strength to water yours. You'll see 💜💛💜

[Ginlovinglady]

I can totally understand how you feel. It's hard when you've had a tough upbringing, abusive.
I wouldn't worry about a tidy house...who gives a fuck
But comparing yourself is so damaging. I know I do it all the time.
But that's your brain and not the truth.
A lot of life is luck. But you have survived a huge amount and should be very proud of what you have achieved

[RollerCoasterProteinSpill]

Dear LittleLucyLuce,
If you saw my facebook you would be envious of my home, holidays and healthy kids.
But tonight I am meeting with my husband to tell him I have decided to divorce him.

Hey, you lost four stone and have friends! Now what other positive things can you seek out in your life? You have been smart enough to find your way to Mumsnet - so much support and so many resources await!

[Ginlovinglady]

And perhaps you should wear the clothes you wouldn't dare to! You've lost 4 stone.
You're probably just not used to being thinner.

[LastMangoInPeckham]

RollerCoaster...

[joolspoon]

Place marking for when I watch tonight

[hareinthemoon]

I do wonder, but I also know there is no answer to the wondering. I know I've tried as hard as I can with what I've been given; but recently I've found it more and more difficult to shut out the voice that whispers, well if that's it for this lifetime, why not give up?

I won't give up, but the voice is persistent.

[Achoopichu]

Well done you for losing four stone that's absolutely amazing!

I agree that some people in life are luckier than others, but that applies to you too. Compare yourself to people in Syria, or those from Grenfell, there's countless other examples.

You can't change your background and what you've been through, but you can try to change your outlook.

Is there anything you can do to help your kids behaviour? Stick to ground rules and follow through, reward them with your time and energy and do nice things together. Exercise can be free and make you feel good. What can you do to make your house nicer without spending too much? Can you change spending habits and put a bit away for a treat? Or get a better job?

Unfortunately we are all landed with difficulties to deal with, some more than others and life very definitely is not fair. The only thing you can do is make the best of it.

[Hunted68]

I always take the view that there are people in far worse positions. Financially, geographically (war zones/poverty stricken countries spring to mind) and health wise. all the things you mention are in your control to change and you can only change what is in your control.

[joolspoon]

Sorry wrong thread to mark on. Was meant to be the love island one

[MaybeDoctor]

First step - look at your friends list on Facebook.

De-friend five of those people who you think would 'rip you to shreds'.

Tomorrow night, delete five more.

[Dappledsunlight]

Firstly, Little Lucy, congratulations on losing 4 stones....others would be envious of YOU for that major achievement.

What I'd say about the comparisons is that everyone indulges in that and it's normal so don't heap more shame upon yourself by judging yourself for doing so. But luck has a big role in life. We tend to think that we have to work hard, try hard and all will come our way but that's false. I'm sorry you had an unfortunate upbringing. Your friend may simply have been dealt a better deal and hence her good fortune. But you are being so real, so human. I'd much rather talk to you because you sound honest about the reality of life. We can all put a spin on our lives but behind every life there will have been grief, losses, disappointments. I have achieved some successes and I am lucky to have two healthy young adult children, but other areas are lacking in terms of my marriage and I also feel I don't have as many close friends as I'd like.

I suggest you pick one area you want to improve on and work on that for a while, rather than letting yourself become down and overwhelmed by what you feel is missing. You sound a genuine person and I'm sure you have a lot to offer by being this authentic.

[champagnecyclist]

Could have written your message, in fact came on here almost to do that, read yours and thought well, she's already said it.

I'm the same background. I had a 'best friend' who sort of picked me up as a hobby when we were younger, made me maid of honour at her wedding, trotted me out for special occasions.. then we list touch for a bit, my life went south.. I don't know, I got dropped and still no real idea why. But she's not the only one. I was severely depressed and everyone left.

How to rebuild a life, I'm still figuring it out. I hope you do.

[saltandvinegarcrisps1]

665 - did you read the OP? She already mentioned that quote. Ironic she feels ignored then you reply having not actually read the OP

[MargoChanning]

665 may have made a small mistake but she's given excellent advice and clearly means well.

[isitjustme2017]

Its easy to focus on those who are lucky and 'seem' to have the perfect lives. Take a closer look around you and I bet there are plenty people out there who have badly behaved kids, messy houses and not much money. We don't look at those people though, we only look at the ones whose lives we wish we had. We ALL do it to a certain extent.
Other posters have already pointed out that these so-called 'perfect' lives will not be so perfect. Her husband might be having an affair, she might secretly despise her husband, he might hate her, they might never have sex........ no-one's life is perfect.
You need to focus on changing the things in your life that make you unhappy. You've already started with that amazing weight loss, well done by the way!!

[CoolCarrie]

4 stone that is brilliant, well done.
you have had a shit time op and I am sorry that it has made you so down, but no one has prefect life. Have a look at the But We Took You To Stately Homes thread on here, it will help you, it did and does help me.

[StormyIsland]

I totally recognise how you're feeling. But then like others have said you never know how perfect those lives that seem it are. My answer to my own misery has been to focus on all the areas I hate or envy from others and try to do something about it... Marriage counseling for a marriage that's a bit too rocky, being referred to therapy for my eating disorder and self esteem issues and then maybe I might one day feel beautiful, buying a new house because the present one is a dump, saving money for new clothes, making the effort to make new friends and deepen the existing friendships etc. don't know what to do about my moaning and fighting kids but just wondering whether they might moan and fight less when their parents will..

Could you try to unpick your life this way and make an action plan. I often think pretty much anything in life is possible if you want it enough.

[Delancy]

What Dappledsunlight said. Excellent post.