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Relationships

How do you deal with a conflict averse partner?

52 replies

Windytwigs · 20/07/2017 02:08

I've loved DH dearly for 20 years, but am getting increasingly impatient with his way of avoiding things he is uncomfortable with. Recently, he has admitted to regularly not telling me things because he thinks I wouldn't like it, which means he leaves it til the last minute or I discover them myself, which is worse, and I have told him this. He has also done the same with news to his parents.
For context, I have never stopped him from doing things he wanted to, ranging from going out with friends (of both sexes) to complete career change/moving Counties, which obv has a great impact on myself (and now the kids). Everything has gone his way, really, apart from our last house move. I don't nag him constantly about stuff, it's always different little things happening that do my nut. The only thing I have asked him to stop is the porn addiction, and this was mainly because it was causing so many lies and distrust.
Another thing which causes problems is his work rota. He works away quite a bit, but this can change, and often does. We don't get a lot of time together for family holidays etc, so I have asked him to keep me updated so I can plan things in advance (which is pretty hard anyway, because he's not sure very far in advance). He just doesn't do it. Then I'll find out he's had his rota for a few weeks, and didn't bother to tell me. If anything changes, he won't tell me until practically the last minute, leaving me blithely unaware and planning stuff in my head, then saying the reason he didn't want to tell me was because he knew how I'd react!
He gets stressed out and snappy about stuff (taxes/budget/bills, etc) but doesn't do anything about them til the last minute.
I know it sounds petty, and it's difficult to explain, but I feel constantly out of the loop, then blamed for my potential reaction when I do discover what I should have known already. All these things wouldn't actually be a problem if I knew when he did, instead of weeks later. I don't think it's started because of an initial reaction of mine - he's always kept stuff from me. His father is very opinionated and argues aggressively with people, maybe it has some basis in his upbringing, Idk.

Does anyone else struggle with a partner like this? What have you done/said that has improved things, or is it a lost cause?

OP posts:
emesis · 20/07/2017 02:35

Is he a reasonable kind of person, open to self-improvement and to doing right by you? If so then I would aim for a calm and kind conversation about how this habit is affecting you. Usually they advise using 'I' statements a lot, so you're saying "I need to talk to you about something that's been upsetting me. I find it really hard when you..." "I feel very X when we...." etc.

His habit of keeping things quiet is likely related to getting angry reactions in the past, going back to childhood. He wants an easy life so he chooses to hide things. If you show him that you can stay calm and not get hugely upset over these things, it could help.

This takes a certain generosity of spirit on your part, because clearly it's not your fault that he hides things, he is just scared of getting a negative reaction. It's not nice to feel like a doormat and just caving in to everything he wants. But sometimes going the extra mile to reassure your partner can help solve these bigger problems so that in the end you both try harder to do right by each other.

If he is not a very reasonable person then it will probably be harder to have the conversation.

justkeeponsmiling · 20/07/2017 02:58

No advice OP but I feel for you as my DH is exactly the same, with the exception of the porn. I have started to pull him up on it more and I would like to think that there is a slight improvement. Might be wishful thinking though...

Iflyaway · 20/07/2017 04:37

Doesn't sound petty at all OP. He's totally undermining your ability to make autonomous decisions in life while being in a relationship.

The more I read on MN the more I love living alone - DS is an adult now, did the whole single mum bit - I am master of my own life and if I wanted could hop over to Paris this weekend (I won't be Grin )....

As for the porno addiction, just ugh.

Iflyaway · 20/07/2017 04:41

Oh, and that is not an LTB - would never advocate that to a stranger on internet, unless DV involved - it's just stating what I would or not put up with in a relationship. And mine's not perfect anyway!

Windytwigs · 20/07/2017 05:14

Is he a reasonable kind of person, open to self-improvement and to doing right by you?
Do you know, I'm not really sure anymore. Initially I thought he was exceptionally decent, intelligent, understanding, etc. Then he had a few inappropriate things and the porn lies etc, which were concealed. Whenever we've talked about it, he's not been happy with me making him feel bad about his shortcomings, but sometimes will make an effort for a bit. For example, he's pulling more weight after work while I'm at work in the evening, (although not taking up all the slack) and putting some things on the calendar. But then I discovered his new work rota in his bag a week after he'd got it...cue him saying he was going to show me that evening Hmm. He'd already been referring to it daily for nearly a week! And the number of reminders that went into paying bills...
I'm not sure what else I can do to try and make him part of a team, rather than me tagging along and sorting things out in his wake, iyswim.
I think you've got it right ifly Smile

OP posts:
annandale · 20/07/2017 05:32

I do wonder if there is a hunger for privacy here. Nothing negative on your side, just a push against the complete openness and intimacy of marriage. It would fit with the porn thing. It would also explain why he seems afraid of an angry reaction you don't give - it's because that's a reason he thinks you'll accept.

Of course I say this because I feel it myself Grin I long so hard for space and time to myself that I can't really think about it. Dh is a lovely husband, ds is a great kid, we are mostly happy, but if I get 20 minutes alone in the house a week it's an unusually good week and it kills me.

I do some stupid things as a result - look up porn, stay up late, get up early, spend too much time on my phone. The irony is, if I got my wish, I might hate it!

What I wish dh could do would be to develop his own interests and go out more/go away for the weekend so I could do stuff alone or with ds. He is too ill so it will probably never happen. The house feels like his domain. He has a shed studio to himself. When I did a degree a few years ago I never had any space to leave my work, i always had to pack up my stuff after any work session. How I would love a desk or room of my own.

I don't know if this strijess any chord or indeed whether it is true. I have started acknowledging the feeling to dh and that does help.

Windytwigs · 20/07/2017 05:49

annandale what you are saying does strike a chord actually. He does go out twice a week himself to do something he enjoys, but I can see how he might see the house as my domain. I can understand that. I wouldn't find it so hard if the things he chooses to avoid or lie about didn't directly affect my life (and the kids) and make it more difficult though. To me it's just polite to let your oh know when/where you are working, it makes me a bit sad that he doesn't think it important enough to plan things with us. Or maybe he feels the time we do have is enough, and he should just be left to get on with the rest himself? Idk

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/07/2017 06:45

Ultimately he isn't taking responsibility for the bills and keeps you out of the loop so he can do as he pleases with his non-working time...

It's really not petty at all, he appears to opt in as and when it suits?

TheSparrowhawk · 20/07/2017 07:06

He's a pathological liar - he lies and hides things for some deep seated psychological reason. He will continue to do it until he recognises what he's doing, which is unlikely. I'd kick him out for the porn alone. I don't know how you can have an ounce of respect for him.

Windytwigs · 20/07/2017 08:03

It's not like he uses that time to go off and do stuff, he does come home (when not working) - the problem is if he would be away on the Saturday for example and didn't mention it until almost then, so any plans I made in my mind would be scuppered. I like to be able to plan ahead, and can't really.
Isn't pathological liar a bit harsh? Pathological avoider sounds about right though. Grin

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 20/07/2017 08:36

It's all the same thing really - the bottom line is that for some reason he won't do a basic thing (tell you information you need to know) no matter how much you ask him to. As a result you're frustrated and feel you can't trust him. That sort of thing is poison to a relationship. He has to be the one to fix it but if he doesn't even see it as a problem then you're stuck.

user1499723529 · 20/07/2017 09:33

Ok I hold my hands up I am a totally guilty of doing this and it drives my wife up the wall, it's damaged her trust of me and her respect for me is greatly diminished. Personally for me it's habitual since childhood (not an excuse)

The reason why I do it is anxiety, plain and simple. It's easier to bury the issue, put your head in the sand rather than deal with it up front. It's not a simple case of just being able to 'man up' (I hate that term)

However I recognise this isn't healthy behaviour and it's worse when I'm stressed/depressed, I've been to see the GP about it for the first time in 10 years again as the anxiety has had so many knock on effects (have posted separately about this)

I'm 4 weeks into SSRI's, need to arrange an appointment with Mind, anyway the long and the short of it is I'm already starting to tackle the bull by the horns with several aspects of my life, building my confidence and self esteem back up... ok this all sounds me me me, but the whole reason I want to do this is my wife and kids deserve better...

It might be worth suggesting to you husband that it might worth going to the GP?

Might also be worth looking at coping strategies, I've just started reading Derren Brown's 'happy' with the hope of finding a few. Most people recommend exercise to deal with the fight or flight response and I've been for a couple of runs lately (very sedentary life) , meditation really helps as well, if I know there's a big issue like money I need to talk to my wife about I'll meditate before hand, clear my head of my worries so I can talk about the issue calmly and as objectively as possible.

Sorry for the ramble!

user1499723529 · 20/07/2017 09:34

Oh dear how many times did I say 'might be worth' in my last 2 but two paragraphs? My grammar is dire sometimes.

Joysmum · 20/07/2017 09:42

I have that with my dh but not because he's conflict adverse, because he 'forgets' and has always been free to concentrate on him and his career.

After years of trying to be polite and help him, I went apeshit at him and told him NO on something that affected me and dd now everything goes in to outlook and shared between the 3 of us. By everything I mean what I'm planing too so he knows about it.

By the sounds of it, you're not the most communicative about your plans either so he doesn't know how he affects you.

Windytwigs · 20/07/2017 10:48

Thanks for your experience user, there may be something like that happening on occasion, although most of it is 'cant be arsed' rather than depression I think. Thanks for the tips tho.
joysmum when I said about planning something ahead of time (in my head) I mean I'll have run an idea past him for the near future and he won't say anything is going on...so I'll look at dates etc and see how it fits into that timeframe. Everything I plan/need to do is put onto our kitchen calendar as soon as it is arranged, so he has no excuse for not knowing my plans Smile. Unfortunately, he's not so good - has a half day tomorrow, which he only put on yesterday evening!

OP posts:
Offred · 20/07/2017 10:54

My husband is like this. We've been separated for more than 4 years.

It totally killed my ability to love him, then it destroyed my self esteem, nothing i tried worked because he just didn't want to change things - he gets it easy because he never has to take responsibility for anything, so I left and he now has the perfect excuse for avoiding anything he doesn't want to do - his bitch of a wife who left him, but I don't have to have much to do with him anymore. He's a great dad, though is slipping into avoidance behaviours with my tweens, they just spend more time with me as a result.

Offred · 20/07/2017 11:02

Incidentally we have been having CIN meetings related to my 10y/o DD's disability - his avoidance of her came up in that environment, his answer re why he never even speaks to her anymore was 'I guess I'm just afraid of her'. My answer - 'you're the adult, she's a vulnerable 10 y/o who yes, can be scary, but you just HAVE TO get over it and let her know you care about her and having a relationship with her or you won't HAVE a relationship. That's how it works with parenting any tween, ESPECIALLY one who is struggling'.

It's just weird. I don't understand the mentality of 'I am scared by this so I'll just pretend it isn't happening'.... in an adult... who is a parent...

laGrosellaEspinosa · 20/07/2017 11:08

He sounds like I used to be. (minus the porn)
But I have trouble walking the line of reasonable assertiveness. In any group, I'll please the others, whatever wine they like, sit inside or outside, whatever the group wants, whichever restaurant they decide on.... I am better with one partner mind you, but in a group, I think I fear that I have so little 'sway' and so little charisma that if I do make a suggestion, it's ignored which makes me realise how unheard I am etc.... I have tested this from time to time. I make a suggestion and it's over ruled and I just accept it. 99 times out of a 100 and then I find on the occasion that it really matters, I don't handle my insistent right. I push too hard and come across as push and aggressive which feels ironic. The one who is such a people-pleasing person who accommodates everybody can end up cocking up her attempt to be assertive and leaving everybody with the impression that she's actually pushy and aggressive to get her way. I am not like this when I'm dating somebody but I am like this in a group. Lots of people are like this in their relationship though. It's a really Thing.

laGrosellaEspinosa · 20/07/2017 11:09

ps, I hope the connection is clear there. I used to be afraid of askign for time off at work and I'd leave it until it was ALMOST too late which made it more inconvenient not less inconvenient.

Windytwigs · 20/07/2017 11:37

Totally get what you are saying laGrosella, I can understand it as I have a lot of the same tendencies. I don't think this would be the case for him though. He can be very dismissive (identifies as a dismissive relationship personality style, fits to a T!) with me, but has a job in which he needs (and manages) to be assertive and quite organised, so I don't see how he can be the same there as he is with me?

OP posts:
greenberet · 20/07/2017 11:37

im sorry OP but I think this is a total lack of respect for you and bordering on emotional abusive behaviour. I had this in my marriage for 20 years - constantly picking up the slack - the only time anything "changed" was when i completely lost it - but it didn't last long. You get fed up of asking, reminding, cajolling and it ends up turning inwards - did with me - long term depression. It probably stems from childhood and his parents relationship but this doesn't excuse the behaviour. You are trying to be a team - he is all about himself - and knows that you will pick up where he doesn't - are you his mother? - how much did his mother do for him. I have just gone through an extremely acrimonious divorce - got replaced by a younger model who didn't nag and could "worship" him - i have been screwed over financially - maybe he could see that I was starting to "wake up" and jumped ship before I got there first- the sad thing is this isn't in my nature - i believe people will come good if you keep trying - but i know some do some don't - the chap that has replied saying he is dealing with his issues - this is what you need - otherwise i think you need to ask yourself some big questions. - Sadly i am now seeing the same behavior in my kids - i have done "everything" for them which I still beleive is right whilst they are growing up - but now at 16 trying to get them to have some self responsibility is causing huge battles - they can arrange and organise sleepovers etc with friends - but ask them to unpack the dishwasher or clear up after themselves and i get ignored or abuse - with my X it was always "work" came first! There was a thread on here exactly about this but the OP had it removed - basically it was saying the same thing - can a reluctance to help out - forget things be deliberate - the answer was yes - it is a very subtle form of abuse but is a basic lack of respect - you husband has no self respect - he therefore is unable to respect you or anyone else. He needs to recognise he is an adult now and no longer a child! im sorry if i have been blunt!Flowers

Windytwigs · 20/07/2017 11:57

Don't worry about being blunt greenberet, you speak a lot of sense! I'm sorry your dh couldn't be bothered to sort himself out, saying he jumped ship - did he actually find someone else while you were still together? I have slightly wondered if mine just sees me as a boring old nag, and would be looking at solving this with someone who isn't worn down with decades of living with it. I'm sure a shiny new problem free relationship is quite tempting right now.

OP posts:

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user1499723529 · 20/07/2017 12:18

I think greenberet hit a few nails on the head there with my life. I hope I can sort it before it's too late. Totally guilty of 'work first'

Waking up here really, astounded at how selfish I've managed to be without really intending it.

I really need to sort out a proper username.

Windytwigs · 20/07/2017 12:26

user, I wish I could get you to have a word with my Dh! Grin

OP posts:
Isetan · 20/07/2017 12:29

You've mis-diagnosed him. He isn't conflict avoidant, he's 'wanting to take into account you and your family's needs' avoidant, in short selfish. Your mis-diagnosis has made you run around trying to make his life easier which has only enabled his selfishness. This is who he is and placating him in the hope that he'd be different isn't a strategy that has and never will, bare fruit.

The. All sin your court.

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