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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Preparing to leave, one part of me feels empty one part of me feels free.

94 replies

KJPxx · 18/07/2017 21:48

Well I am putting together my plan of action to leave my abusive partner. I can't walk out immediately this has to be a careful and clear process for the protection of myself, my daughter and my step son.
So, I'm only 26, I met my partner at 17 and he was them 24, needless to say I fell head-over-heels in love very quickly not only with him but his amazing little boy, just gone 3 at the time.
The first few WEEKS were a typical whirlwind romance, he had a good job, a place of his own and offered me excitement and security in one package. I lapped it up and things moved pretty quickly. Then, after 7/8 weeks came the first slap. So hard I was thrust across a room. The slap came after o
I walked out and stayed away for all of 2 hours. I came back after he begged for forgiveness and sobbed to a point it made me think surely he is sorry and it won't happen again, and just like that he had total control of me, and just like that - he proved he was a liar!!
I can't exactly give exact times and dates to every physical attack or every time he has emotionally ruined me, but let's say in 9 years there has been more bad days than good. Many many more.
So I fell pregnant, stupidly, less than 6 months into the relationship, however things had improved slightly, or so I thought, however failed to see that I was being so deeply controlled that I had lost friends, my family said I'd changed. But again, naive, surely it's just because he loves me?!
During my pregnancy, I was subjected to many emotionally abusive days and the odd physical thing too.
Again, he'd cry and he'd kiss my belly and suck me back in. And again. I'd think, he loves me, he loves his unborn baby and he didn't mean to, but again I was proven wrong.
So time and time again he would attack me. Physically. He would hit me, punch or slap, strangle me, bite me, rag my hair, spit on me. Emotionally he would call me names that hurt more than the punches. Throw bins around a room, and demand I clean them up, scrub my face with a urine filled towel because I used an old towel to clean up after the dog after I'd ran out of kitchen towel, and then after he scrubbed it in my face he locked in a cupboard. And yep. I stayed. I stayed because I felt now, at such a low eb, who else would want such a worthless idiot. And every time he did these awful things, I apologised and tried to get him to forgive me for being so stupid and hideous. I was completely under his control.
He has blacked my eyes, choked me to the point of becoming nearly totally unconscious, split my eye open.
Abroad on holiday in 2015, he beat me so badly my head was swollen about an inch across my forehead and so badly bruised the nurses were worried I may not be able to fly, luckily I was and I turfed him out - he returned.
Then a year later almost to the day he punched my head in the car with the kids in the back. He was arrested we had assessments carried out by social services and I still took him back. I fall hook line and sinker every time he begs me and promises me it won't happen again.
But something happened the past few weeks, I have another holiday coming up and I woke up in the middle of the night in a major panic and I now know I can't be with him any more. The sheer idea of a holiday has brought me into such a state of panic, and I've eventually realised I deserve a damn site better. More than that my children do because I have failed them for too long and only hope now I can hopefully redeem myself and give the children the life they deserve.
Sorry about how long it is. Just feels quite refreshing getting it all out. Makes me see clearer when I see just how much sh*t he's put us through for his own insecurities!!!
I'm nearly free!!!

OP posts:
cafenoirbiscuit · 18/07/2017 21:56

Keep planning, stay safe, and good luck.

KJPxx · 18/07/2017 21:59

Thank you, it's for real this time. I have the relevant people involved to help make it safe

OP posts:
Mysteriouscurle · 18/07/2017 22:02

Stay safe online. Clear your history/use incognito. And good luckFlowers

KJPxx · 18/07/2017 22:04

Xxx

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 18/07/2017 22:07

Take care x

HattiesBackpack · 18/07/2017 22:12

You can do this. Keep thinking how wonderful it will be to be free. No more walking on eggshells, you don't have to worry about what you say, you can do what you want when you want.

Keep posting, we are all with you xx

User02 · 18/07/2017 22:12

Good Luck

isitjustme2017 · 18/07/2017 22:13

You can do this OP. Make sure he doesn't suspect anything is going on and that you cover all of your tracks.
Abusive men like this will not take too kindly to taking their control away. be prepared for retaliation.
Get out as soon as you can and as safely as possibly. Good luck to you Flowers

KJPxx · 18/07/2017 22:15

That's why I need to be careful. He has threatened me with alsorts in the past if I leave. He'll kill me, he'll run away with the kids.
I need to have our life outside of this sorted before I can walk because I need to guarantee the safety of the children. I'm not looking back this time and I intend on enjoying our holiday without him, it feels so weirdly therapeutic just saying it!! Thank you all xx

OP posts:
Heartofglass12345 · 18/07/2017 22:25

Good luck, i hope you and your kids get away from that monster and have the life you deserve ❤️

cafenoirbiscuit · 18/07/2017 22:26

Can you keep your stepson?

KJPxx · 18/07/2017 22:26

Xxx Flowers

OP posts:
KJPxx · 18/07/2017 22:29

This has been an issue for years and due to the fact that we have him full time because of his own history with an abusive mother, I have stayed to make sure he isn't taken away from another, but yes I have spoken with solicitor and social worker and because of his age he wouldn't be granted to me in a custody order but I could fight for parental responsibility as I was granted it in 2014 by the social worker who removed him from his mother's care. So fingers crossed it won't be as difficult as I'd thought

OP posts:
ExpatMrs · 18/07/2017 22:30

Thinking of you OP and wishing you all the best. Check in when you can so we know you're ok but be careful

Alwaysrushingaround · 18/07/2017 22:31

Stay strong and safe and the very best of luck to you. I think you're amazing. Well done on getting this far- you deserve a lovely holiday. Flowers

KJPxx · 18/07/2017 22:35

It's amazing how people you've never met can make you realise what you deserve. Thank you all so much and I will keep updating. I can see it being a lengthy and difficult process but it's all going to be worth it x

OP posts:
isitjustme2017 · 18/07/2017 22:37

Its fantastic that you want to keep your stepson with you and safe from further abuse. The poor soul has been through enough.
Keep us updated and stay safe Flowers

KJPxx · 18/07/2017 22:39

I don't see him as anything other than my son, he is equal in every way to my daughter and I have stayed for so long simply for fear of losing him too. Now he's older he is able to speak for himself in court if it reaches that point

OP posts:
Aperolspritzer123 · 18/07/2017 22:56

OP well done for getting to this point - you are very brave - when you say you have everything in place, do you mean you've called women's aid etc? They will help and support you through this too. If you have then ignore me. I'm so sorry that you've been through this, it must have been so horrible for you. Stay strong and be really careful - keep updating on here if it's safe to do so - You'll get loads of strength from women who have been through the same or similar xx good luck

GlitterSparkles17 · 18/07/2017 22:58

I hope you get away from this monster as soon as possible. Your poor kids must be terrified, it's heartbreaking. Good luck

cafenoirbiscuit · 19/07/2017 05:51

I'm excited for your new life. All yours! You get to choose - how you live, what you do, and no pleasing Mr Monster. It's gonna be great!

Shoxfordian · 19/07/2017 06:38

I hope you leave as soon as possible

Stay safe though Flowers

KJPxx · 19/07/2017 06:39

I've spoken with my local social services domestic violence team. My local housing authority and also the police.
All contact is being delivered or done via my mother's phone or address to ensure our safety.
They don't want to place me in a refuge for one of 2 reasons. My step son firstly, and school for my daughter as I really don't want to move her schools, especially as in September my step son will he heading into seniors so I won't have to encounter their father at school etc.
I am excited for our new life too. To give the kids a life away from tension and worry I can't think of anything greater - the best form of Karma in my opinion x

OP posts:
cafenoirbiscuit · 19/07/2017 10:57

How are you going to manage your holiday? I presume you are/were going with your OH - will this still be the case? I can't help but feel anxious for you if you have to go with him.

KJPxx · 19/07/2017 11:16

I am hoping to take the children alone, I'm praying he won't stop me taking my step son, failing that I can try the holiday with him, as the domestic violence counsellor and local authority have said it may take 6-8 weeks to get us a suitable home with security systems in place

OP posts:
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