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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Anonymous message

179 replies

LittleNickola · 17/07/2017 22:20

I received an anonymous text at 11pm last night, which seems to have been sent from an app (I don't think it's possible to send a reply). It tells me a date, and says that my husband slept with someone in a hotel that night while he was away from home. I've checked the date (which was 3 years ago!!) and he was indeed away that night.
I feel sick. I've always felt that he's untrustworthy and he has form for sending inappropriate flirty messages to colleagues that I've discovered, but I've never had hard evidence of actual cheating.
I need advice on what to do next... would you trust this message?! Could it be malicious? Why tell me after 3 years?? And how can I get my husband to tell the truth. He'll simply deny it if I show him....

OP posts:

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IP1974 · 17/07/2017 22:31

This doesn't sound good does it? As you've said, why tell you after all this time? It could be malicious, has he fallen out with anyone at work? Even then it would be a disturbing thing to do. The detail and the date would gravitate me towards believing it if I'm being honest. As for what to do, you could ignore it (I couldn't) or you can ask him. He will of course deny it but could you gauge the truth from his reaction?

LittleNickola · 17/07/2017 22:32

Sorry some extra info: we've been married for 10 years and have 2 DC. This is pretty devastating.

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SandyY2K · 17/07/2017 22:33

It's probably true, but without any evidence or knowledge of who sent it, what's the point of asking when he'll deny.

Did they give a name of who he slept with?

Could you bluff that you have evidence and get him to tell you the truth?

Another thing is... Even if he confessed, would you actually leave him? If not I don't see the point in confronting.

Bear in mind that it could also be a malicious message, from a scorned woman.

WeeMcBeastie · 17/07/2017 22:34

That is weird that you've received this after 3 years but if he was away on that date then I would imagine it's genuine. I don't have any answers as to how you could get him to be truthful about it though. I'm still waiting for my EXH to admit to an affair with the woman he's now getting married too only a year after our divorce! I think you've answered your own question by saying that you think he's untrustworthy. Is there any way you can try replying? What app was the message sent on?

LittleNickola · 17/07/2017 22:34

Thanks for your response. The weird thing is, he has fallen out with someone from work (a man) just a few weeks ago, and the guy has taken it to HR. It probably speaks volumes, but I actually immediately wondered whether this man would do anything to get revenge! But I still think it would be likely to be true wouldn't it??

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Gemini69 · 17/07/2017 22:34

you STILL have no hard evidence... it was 3 years ago... why bother telling you now....

GinIsIn · 17/07/2017 22:34

You already don't trust him and suspect it's true - I think you already know you want to trust the message. Get your finances in order and think carefully about what you want to do. I'm sorry OP. Even if it isn't true, the fact you think it might be suggests that you could do better.

Hellothereitsme · 17/07/2017 22:35

What do you want to happen?

You can ignore it and carry on. However he will carry on sending indiscreet texts and flirty messages. Are you ok with that?

lovemycatsanddog · 17/07/2017 22:36

Could it be from the person he slept with, how did they get your no ?
Maybe that woman has been trying to get him back,or maybe hes stil in touch with her,
Awful, for you whatever the reason
I would have to question him

Thealbatross · 17/07/2017 22:37

How does the app work? How did they know your number??

LittleNickola · 17/07/2017 22:40

The person who sent it must have known my number. It's appeared as "anonymous" on my phone. A quick google search informed me that there are quite a few apps which allow people to send completely anonymous untraceable messages...

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LittleNickola · 17/07/2017 22:41

I think I can rule out my husband's ex colleague on the basis that he wouldn't have my number actually...

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Optimist1 · 17/07/2017 22:41

I can imagine a scenario where someone has been debating whether to put you in the picture for the three years since the alleged event and has only recently learnt about this app that will send an anonymous message. What does puzzle me is how the sender knew your mobile number (unless it's viewable on FB)? Sorry, not helpful, but it may help you to narrow down who might have sent it.

Loopytiles · 17/07/2017 22:41

You don't trust him and suspect he's cheated before - sounds like your fears were well founded.

LittleNickola · 17/07/2017 22:42

I would leave him for cheating, to answer the questions. But I'd be terrified of the effect on our kids. I don't think he's capable of looking after them well on his own and the thought of handing them over to him every other weekend kills me.

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Venusflytwat · 17/07/2017 22:43

I don't think you can rule him out because of that. He may well have seen your number on a next of kin form/database at work or something.

I think it's very likely that he's been sitting on that information and is now telling you because he's pissed off at your husband.

I think you think it's true.

What keeps you in your marriage?

KoolKoala07 · 17/07/2017 22:46

Listen to your gut. Are you able to check he was where he said he was. I appoint was 3 years ago but a bank statement maybe.

KoolKoala07 · 17/07/2017 22:47

*appreciate it

Loopytiles · 17/07/2017 22:51

If you think he's unwilling to take proper care of your DC (he is NOT unable if he can hold down a job etc) then all the more reason to LTB.

LittleNickola · 17/07/2017 22:56

But I'd have to accept that my kids would be with him, and away from me - even for just a few days each month I would hate it. I think that's possibly enough to keep me in an unfaithful marriage!! I just don't know.
The text I received actually also said "women's intuition is always right." Weird thing to say!!! Does that imply it's from a man or woman?! And how do they know what my intuition is??
Although... funnily enough... I believed the text straight away. Not good I know. I do have to consider there's a slight chance that this is a jealous woman though, who fancies him and wants to cause problems?? And as he flirts, she would have worked out that id be likely to be insecure about it.
For what it's worTh, my own best friend has always said that he's a flirty person but that she completely trusts him where our marriage is concerned.

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Joinourclub · 17/07/2017 23:02

Why on Earth are you with a man who you don't trust to look after your children?!

TattyCat · 17/07/2017 23:04

I think I'd be looking at who may have 'something to gain' from telling you. What's their motive? I'd suggest that it is more than likely the work colleague he's fallen out with. Otherwise, 3 years doesn't make sense.

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Justhadmyhaircut · 17/07/2017 23:04

Maybe do nothing for now and see what- if anything else comes to light.
The thing with HR will have him edgy but watch for other things - the person may tip him off he /she has told you. . It will puzzle him if you stay silent. The strain may make him bend /snap. You may end up with the truth without having to do anything. .
Patience. . .

TattyCat · 17/07/2017 23:07

Being flirty doesn't necessarily make someone a cheat. How do you 'remember/know' where he was on that night 3 years ago, by the way? It could be someone pulling your chain and making mischief because they were also there so know you weren't. It's very specific so what was the occasion?

LittleNickola · 17/07/2017 23:08

I use my phone as a diary and it was a night out with work... he stayed in a hotel that night so I had marked in my diary that he wasn't coming home

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