Why didn't I leave then?

[summercottageflowers]

I keep having such weird thoughts and I hope no one minds but just sharing them here may help.

I keep suddenly getting the most vivid flashbacks, sort of jolts almost, to my relationship with dh. And I think 'why didn't I leave then, why did I put up?'

I mean, in later years we had children and so on so I can 'excuse' myself but back when we weren't married, there were major major signs.

What was wrong with me I guess I'm asking!

[Admirablenelson]

What sort of signs, OP? How were you at that time?

[summercottageflowers]

I suppose I was quite vulnerable as my mother had recently died when I met him, but the thing was she hadn't died throughout our relationship? So surely at some point I should have woken up if you like and said 'hang on, this isn't right, this isn't how you treat your girlfriend.'

[NSEA]

Nothing was wrong. It's completely normal to try to make things right at the time and forgive/put aside/ignore things that you should leave for. In isolation you get over them. It's only over time when they all add up you suddenly realise you should leave. There's nothing wrong with you at all. Everything right, in fact.

[summercottageflowers]

Thanks, Nsea

I used to think it was me all the time being stupid/annoying/whatever, but part of me can't quite believe he didn't actually love me but he deliberately isolated me.

It all points to that, yet I can't believe it. Which is stupid, as if a friend told me I would say 'of course he was trying to do X Y and Z '

[Gettingonwithit1]

I've been thinking the same thing! For me, i think he always managed to turn it round on me and i questioned myself. Then little by little red flag things became normalised. This was before kids too. I was probably in love with the best bits of him and thought I could resolve the unpleasant bits.
But it is so hard when you look back with the benefit of hindsight. Don't be hard on yourself because it creeps up on you and can be insidious. My DH used to make me feel it was my fault that he got angry so easily.

[Silverdream]

Because they make you believe what they are doing is either normal , you're causing it or this is what you deserve.
But it's never too late.

[summercottageflowers]

You too, Gettingonwithit

My dh is/was so incredibly skilled in making it your fault. If there was an Olympic medal in it he'd win a gold.

Even so, when someone is slapping you, locking you in rooms, you'd think you'd twig not all is well. Wouldn't you?

[Gettingonwithit1]

My DH didn't ever hit my or lock me up, but had rages where I was scared. Ours partners must have hsd similar training! I now feel i became conditioned. I tried hard to hold on to the nice bits and tried to avoid 'waking the dragon'. I used to say he could argue that black was white and win the argument!
I too look back and wish I'd left but my head was so confused at the time.

[Gettingonwithit1]

He was also sexually coersive which i now realise has seriously damaged my sexual desire.😔

[summercottageflowers]

Yes. Mine would go to work and lock me in. It was a flat so I couldn't get out.

He'd say, "well where do you need to go?"
I'd say 'but I might want to meet sarah.'
He'd then tell me why I shouldn't want to meet sarah.

If I wanted to work 'you don't need to work.'

I feel unfairly pissed off with my (now deceased) Dad too, as apparently he was concerned but didn't want to say anything, but I thought this meant he loved dh

[summercottageflowers]

Same getting although I can't call it coercive even. I would say no and he'd just force my legs apart and say 'yes.'

[AthenasOwl]

I absolutely know where you’re coming from op. I freed myself of my abuser 6 years ago, for the first while he clung on and continued his torment of me but when that was finally over I went through several bouts of questioning myself.
I was angry for quite a long time, at him of course but also myself for putting up with it!
I’d go over and over things in my head that happened and things I’d wish I’d done. Constantly wondering why me? Why did he behave that way with me and what was it about me that made him like that.
It’s totally normal! But obviously it didn’t do me any good dwelling on it all...Iv moved forward thankfully and those thoughts aren’t quite as intrusive as time goes on xx

[Gettingonwithit1]

How long ago did you end things and are you settled now? He sounds awful. The thing is that once you are hooked, it creeps up slowly, you self esteme and confidence drops and you lose sense of who you are.
Your dad would probably have said something if he knew the extent of the abuse.
I didn't tell anyone until recently so everyone was oblivious.
It does have a lasting effect. I gave in sexually when saying no would have caused days of sulking and anger or when he was relentless and i wanted to get it over with.

[summercottageflowers]

I'm only just now in the embryonic stages of ending it Getting (have tried before)

On the odd occasion I managed not to have sex with him he'd be so purposefully rough the next time, just wouldn't be worth the bother.

Not sure about my dad ... he used dh (I think) to justify leaving me to it when really I was too young, he moved out to live with his girlfriend and my mum was dead. So my dad would say 'well you can always stay at 'dhs name' can't you?'

But why would you do that if you were concerned and never liked him?

Gah!

[Gettingonwithit1]

Did your DH's have abusive or unhappy childhoods? My DH now blames his childhood for his abusive behaviour toward me.
I torment myself with why i didn't leave but i know i wasn't thinking straight and when things got worse, I didn't want to break up the family. He was a loving dad and didn't behave badly when they were around.
We must remember they were in the wrong!

[Ragusa]

Because despite propaganda to suggest we should be all-knowing and wise at all times, understanding and clarity of vision can take decades to emerge. Especially if you have been brought up not to trust your own feelings, instincts and abilities.

[NotAnotherNoughtiesTune]

The thing with abusers is they gradually become more and more anusive.

So at first it might be something small like grabbing your arm a bit rough, or wanting to know where you'll be and then it might be not letting you go without them or shoving you but not actually hurting. It's a gradual incline so a new behaviour is added on gradually so it's not too noticeable. If your H had done it 2 months into the relationship you would e left I expect.

It's the foot in the door analogy.

Please do get plans in placeOP as I really fear for your safety. I'd quite like to slap him around a bit and forcefully spread his legs to repeatedly kick his nuts.

You deserve so much better. You'll be able to have friends again, spend your own money, not be afraid you'll be forced into sex - you'll be liberated.

[NotAnotherNoughtiesTune]

abusive

[Gettingonwithit1]

Maybe your dad just didn't know what to do and that your DH made you happy. It's impossible to know now sadly.
Me and my DH have just agreed to separate. It's scary and i don't expect to ever partner up again. I'm well past my best years anyway! It will the first time I've been on my own. And teens will be leaving home soon😕
I hope you can find the strength to separate. You shouldn't have to live like that.

[summercottageflowers]

One of the many odd things about dh is he rarely discusses his childhood. If I ever tried to get him to talk about when he was younger (and he was only early twenties when I met him) he clams up and gives a brief response. But occasionally he'd 'give' you something.

I think he did have a harder time than he'd ever admit. Father used to beat him. He did love his mum though, he said once how she'd have really liked me.

[Ragusa]

All I can tell you really is that hard won truths and 'thunderclap' WTF realisations are very powerful. And you should be proud, so proud, of yourself for recognising and calling out the abuse for what it is. All the best

[summercottageflowers]

It scares me too though because although I know if I sometimes chose not to know if. If that makes sense. He can sweet talk me easily.

[Gettingonwithit1]

It sounds as though there was alot of upset there and likely his dad didn't just beat only him. I do feel my DH's behaviour has been moulded by his upbringing but it doesnt excuse his behaviour. He is an adult afterall.

[summercottageflowers]

That's true actually Getting I've never thought of that yet itmis so obvious now you say it

I don't think he's ever had an enormous amount of respect for women.

[Gettingonwithit1]

That's excatly what came out in our marriage councelling too - that due to his childhood he doesn't respect women. He found that difficult but accepted it may well be true.