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I need to think about my behaviour apparently(39 Posts)
I'm getting really stressed out over this. I have a dissertation due by the end of August. Dh has been supportive of my studying for the last 6 years however recently it's impossible to get him to give me a break from the kids so I can study.
He started a new job a year ago. It's physically demanding shift work so I understand that he is tired. But whenever I try to go and study (therefore leaving him with the kids) he tries to sabotage it! He has never had an issue taking on his fair share before but suddenly the demands of his job make him too tired to do it anymore?
Most recently: He worked until midnight last night, went to bed at 2am (woke me up in the process and I couldn't get back to sleep after that!). I asked him to get up at 8.15am to take older dc to school because I had a dentist appointment at 9am and couldn't have got there in time had I done the school run (he was aware of this). He had a massive go at me for waking him up.
I got back from the dentist and the toddler is in front of the tv while dh slept on the sofa. I was supposed to be studying today but I told him to go to bed and catch up on sleep as I can't study if he isn't actually looking after the kids - they just come to find me rather than try and wake him.
I woke him at 1pm as I really needed to get on with my work. He had another massive go at me and went and lay on the couch again. I went upstairs to start work and he followed me up to "tell me off" (that's what it felt like) about not taking toddler to the toilet today. (Context: Toddler is in nappies and is not ready to be potty trained. Dh has decided to take toddler to the toilet every hour anyway. Toddler can not and does not ask to go to the toilet = not ready ime). He is annoyed I won't spend all day arguing with toddler about going to the toilet.
I told dh I didn't want to argue as he was just being hurtful (said I - the sahm - was "uninvolved" with the children!) And when I shut the door to my study he told me to "think about my behaviour".
If I was you studying would be at the library and leave him with the dc.
Phone off too.
I honestly could not contemplate a future with such a selfish apathetic git; he has no care for you OP, he's showing you that over, if I have to read one more thread about a man who is unwilling to look after his own kids, I will scream; these men are not worth a fuck.
Well you need to bit the bullet.
As long as they don't come to any harm you can leave them with him.
Can you get out to your local library or coffee shop with WiFi to get some work done?
Do you have the resources to put toddler with a child minder maybe a couple of half days a week to get on with things?
Can't afford childcare at the moment unfortunately and I try to get to the library as often as I can but it's quite a trek so I can't always fit it in if dh is on shift that day.
I would just like him to stop being so horrible when he feels he is inconvenienced. He's now letting the toddler sleep too long meaning bedtime will be a nightmare tonight (for me, as he will be at work).
He shouldn't be talking to you like a child, and should of course be looking after his own children.
But it sounds like there's an organisational problem as well here. If I was on late shifts I would also be mightily pissed off at not being allowed a full night's (morning's) sleep afterwards. And if I don't get enough sleep that does put me in a bad mood. Does he give you his timetable regularly so that you can make sure to schedule appointments around his working hours? If not, could you find alternative childcare arrangements for things like doctor's appointments, that can't be changed at the last minute?
His attitude isn't great but neither is shift work. If he's only been like this since the new job I would say he's just absolutely exhausted. Could he look for something else? I used to work shifts and would find it impossible to go straight to bed when working late, you need time to unwind.
Is this the last year of your course? How much longer do you have left?
I agree with Just study in the library & phone off.
This dissertation is my last assignment then I'm finished.
Until I start teacher training in September. I do have childcare arranged for then thankfully!
I'm so close and I feel like I'm not going to be able to finish because of all this crap he's giving me.
I can't say I'd be thrilled about finally getting to bed at 2am then being woken up to be told I had to do the school run.
Sounds like you are both under a lot of stress. You need to sit down and have a grown up conversation about how you are both going to manage your time or make some other lifestyle changes.
Is he jealous of you / your achievements? Is he trying to sabotage you? I've seen this before.
I feel for your DH. Shiftwork is tough especially if shift patterns change and affect sleep patterns. I think you were unreasonable to expect your DH to get up and take children to school after a shift ending at midnight given that you are a SAHM. You should have made a dentist's appointment at another time. After 6 years of supporting you studying I am not surprised he has had enough. Give the guy a break.
Agree a family schedule that allows enough time for him to sleep and you to work. Once agreed (written down and stuck in a prominent place), stick to it like glue. Tell him "as per the schedule, I am off for the next xx hours. Kids have been changed/fed/doing science experiments on snoopy. Good luck". Get out of the house - if not to the library, beg a space at a friend's house.
For the record, I used to work full time and study so he hasn't supported me financially for the full 6 years.
He also did two years of study himself where I supported him. We were always about the give and take and helping each other get through things. I'm at the last hurdle and he's changing the rules!
I'm going to go against the grain here....
Having had experience of shift work - not full time but I will often do a late shift or night shift a handful of times a month, I would not be thrilled to be woken up.
Shift work really messes with your sleep pattern and if I get woken too early I feel ill and like I have really bad jet lag. It then takes the rest of the day to recover and in that time I will nap regularly - the whole day becomes a wasted one.
It really isn't pleasant.
Is it possible for you to allow him to get his full sleep quota and then have a bit more of an involved routine for him?
I'm not going to go into the rights and wrongs of his/your behaviour except to say that you sound stressed (understandably) and he sounds knackered (also understandably). Purely from a practical perspective I would look at ways to improve the situation for now and see if that has a positive impact on the way he speaks to you.
Shift work sucks for all sorts of reasons so these are the things I would look to factor into the family's schedule. Time for him to wind down when he finishes and any changes which need to be made to his routine so that you and DC aren't disturbed. Any appointments made around allowing him a decent amount of hours to sleep and adjustments to you and DC's routine to make sure he's not disturbed. Timetabled study time for you during his free time and an improved effort from him to ensure you're not disturbed at those times.
You're basically trying to co-exist in different time zones and that's a recipe for conflict unless you make allowances and adjustments for it especially when you're studying too. A bit of give and take might just take the pressure off and help you get to the finish line with your course. Good luck
Focus on the immediate problem. You need to finish your dissertation. Can you find alternate childcare to give you the opportunity to write it in peace? Put them into a summer kids' club? I know it's not an ideal solution but you both sound shattered and if your DH is deliberately trying to sabotage your studies then you have to take that power away from him. Don't waste energy and sleeping time on petty arguments. You can discuss it all once your dissertation is completed and submitted.
Looking at this from the other side, six years a long time to be taking up the slack while your partner studies. I couldn't stop myself from resenting H while he did his doctorate even though I was a SAHM for most of the time he was studying. Anything I said to him was 'wrong', non-essential conversation was 'boring on about nothing', essential conversation to pass on information had to be put into an email instead, any comment about our lack of family time or couple time triggered a rant about how unsupportive I was and how he was doing it for the family. It broke our marriage.
I'm not sure what to suggest for you though, I think I would have felt better if my H had been appreciative and maybe kept me up to date with his timelines. So possibly in your case tell him that you know how exhausted he is and you are very grateful and it will only be another six weeks so you hope that both of you can hold it all together for that long. If he has been supportive in the past then it's probable that he is genuinely as exhausted and dispirited as he says he is. I know that your studying has to get done or it will have been a waste of all the work so far, but some acknowledgment of how your choice to study has impacted on his life would probably go down better than being frustrated with him.
Library or lock yourself into a room so the kids will wake him rather than finding you. I write at night when the kids are asleep.
If I have to read one more thread about a man who is unwilling to look after his own kids, I will scream; these men are not worth a fuck.
I've done shifts so speak from experience.
He had over 6 hours sleep, so that's not bad. He had another 2.5 hours after that and still had to be woken.
This is only for 5 weeks until uni work is done but I can't help fearing when you start teaching he'll be just as obstructive. I too wonder if he's acting up now it looks like you'll have achieved and be in a well regarded profession. He may also have issues because you e fitted round and facilitated him in his work but are now not as flexible to be able to cater to his needs.
Get his shift pattern and set out things for each different timed shift when you will be worked by. Treat it like work and don't be flexible on when you start studying. Go elsewhere if you can with your phone off. It's only for 5 weeks then see how he is when you start work.
it's impossible to get him to give me a break from the kids so I can study.
he also had to be woken up at 1pm, is everyone reading the same thread here; sorry but I don't see him helping his family out at all, he clearly sees your role as 100% childcare, so what if he works, we all have to bloody work; he should be helping you to complete your Dissertation, not sabotaging it, a Dissertation is a massive big deal, sorry but he still sounds like a grade A git to me.
Is he trying to sabotage you? I've seen this before
You read my mind Spartacus
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