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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH: Star in the workplace, selfish at home

114 replies

lingoludo · 16/07/2017 16:48

Feeling a little upset/confused by DH's behaviour and wondered if there were any psychologywise types who may know what on earth is going on with my DH? I'm starting to worry that his behaviour is all my fault.
DH is in a managerial position at work and is thought of extremely highly by co-workers and seniors alike.
On first dating DH and on meeting some of his colleagues, they made jokes about me taking good care of him and gave me lots of congratulations for landing such a fab bloke.
Years down the line, with DCs, I see DH in a much different light than when we had first met. He needs constant reminders and direction at home, wouldn't take on any share of the domestic chores at all without me asking, is completely self centred with his time, making himself unavailable regularly due to hobbies and socialising. It has knocked me greatly. I must be a terrible person for a "great bloke" to behave like this in our home surely?
Anyway, I'd told myself that the exhaustion of DCS etc had changed DH and maybe he was struggling juggling work and home.
That was until I was invited to an open day at his work place and wow. I could not believe the man I've come to know at home. I found him hugely atractive and desirable watching him at work as opposed to the non productive, selfish behaviour I see at home. He completely led the whole day, organised everything and everyone, was completely stuck in. He was utterly amazing. I saw him in a whole new light. What has happened to DH? Is it my fault that he is able to take control, use his initiative and be organised in the workplace and behaves like a teenager at home? Leaving mess everywhere, ignoring his share of the chores? Leaving the childcare to me whilst he goes off on his solo ventures? What is going on here? It's really knocked the way I feel about myself and obviously, my relationship. His colleagues think so highly of him, I quite frankly, don't. Is it me? Have I driven him to behave like a child at home? I deserve better than this, surely?

OP posts:
Afterthestorm · 16/07/2017 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolgerDanske · 16/07/2017 16:59

Of course you deserve better.

Saiman · 16/07/2017 17:01

I am very different at work. But mainly more confident and assertive. Very organised.

I am more laid back at home. But so is dh. He works from home for himself so does more stuff at home. Like dinner every night etc. But both of us are on the same wavelength when organising holidays, family trips etc. We split all the home jobs etc.

But I am different at work. Its not your fault he is different at home. But I have to ask, if you arent happy why do you put up with it?

Just because its always been this way, doesnt mean it has to continue.

Ellisandra · 16/07/2017 17:02

Why would you think it's your fault?
And why do you need a psychologist for this one?
It's simple...

  1. He's a lazy shit who doesn't respect you
  2. He couldn't get away with it at work
MusicToMyEars800 · 16/07/2017 17:07

My DP is exactly the same, We have had countless argument over it, and he just thinks that I am making a fuss out of nothing, lets just say I don't see it lasting much longer as I am now realising I will probably be better off on my own.

Figaro2017 · 16/07/2017 17:21

There will be a a stream of posts saying he is a lazy shit, sees housework as 'womans work' or is deliberately incompetent.

I don't think it is any of these.

A couple of years ago my wife and I swapped places with me being the main person round the home and her working full time.

At first I was useless, but quickly fell into a routine of doing all the stuff round the house. I became far more efficient at doing stuff. I had my own mental list and just got on with it. As i got better, my wife had to do less. As she did less she fell out of practice of doing stuff.

I think mentally, to her, the house became my domain so she became detached from it. She is messier now. She knows less of what the kids are up to. She does go out more with her friends because its easier for her to do so. She doesn't have to think about who's where for the kids or that the washing has to be done or that a dinner takes X time to cook.

I'm not sure it is laziness on her part, just that she's now not as involved in the running of the house and actually feels a step removed. I also think that she doesn't do things now because she's unsure as to what she has to do and doesn't want to tread on my toes.

Msqueen33 · 16/07/2017 17:36

My dh is very similar. He hasn't ever lived alone but is very good at his job and highly thought of but needs a lot of direction at home. I suspect some of it is laziness and he's less inclined to do some boring stuff but mostly it just doesn't occur to him and it's fallen to me as the sahp.

EmeraldIsle100 · 16/07/2017 17:55

I would be wary of someone like him. He is putting on a massive act at work which I find revolting and he treats his family like crap. The difference between how he treats you and how he treats his colleagues is not accidental and the difference is stark. His colleagues wouldn't even recognise the self centred individual who avoids his family.

He is just a very good actor and a fake. I honestly can't stand people who everyone think are so nice yet behind doors they treat their family badly. It shows an alarming degree of controlling behaviour.

It isn't the case with you but it is not uncommon to hear men who murder their wives as 'a really lovely man who couldn't do enough for everyone'.

I wouldn't trust someone like him. The description 'narcissist' springs to mind.

PaintingByNumbers · 16/07/2017 18:01

My dh is/was like this. He was just horribly entitled and thought he was amazing. He was having an affair for years with a work colleague. I was the cook/cleaner/nanny. Bleurgh.

AnyFucker · 16/07/2017 18:05

Not everybody is fooled by men like this, believe me

Want2bSupermum · 16/07/2017 18:19

DH was like this. Thanks for anyfucker I got him on the straight and narrow.

It sounds to me that he either sees the home as your domain or he just has no respect for you.

It's not uncommon when being the leader at work the expectations are that you are the leader at home. You need to be very clear with your expectations of him. An example would be that one of his tasks is getting the beds changed and dirty linen in the washing machine. The expectation you have is that he strips the beds, remakes them and puts the dirty linen in the place where you keep your washing machine pile. You then expect him to put laundry on as and when you see the machine has finished and there is a load that needs doing.

You also need to lay down your expectations regarding how he treats you. Tell him the DC need him to be around more. I have DH signed up to play golf with our eldest on Sunday mornings. DH still plays golf but with DD has his caddy.

Overall, it is a lack of respect for you and that is very wrong. You need to be assertive and if things do not change consider your options such as getting back to work and being self sufficient.

lingoludo · 16/07/2017 19:28

Thanks all. I have obviously suspected that he's being unfair and that perhaps it's not me who has driven him to just not partake in home life unless it's from a leisurely point of view.
I think a big part of it with men is that they receive a pat on the back at work, they have an audience to impress, whereas at home they can truly be themselves... there are no rewards or promotions for being considerate. Respect is obviously the biggy. Then I can't help but criticise myself, is it my fault he no longer respects me? Perhaps I've let myself go.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/07/2017 19:34

I doubt that

Stop victim blaming yourself, you play right into his hands

If he is a lazy and disrespectful fuck at home that is down to him

You don't have to tolerate it though

caffeinestream · 16/07/2017 20:24

There are a lot threads at the moment about people feeling disrespected and blaming themselves.

Start blaming the arseholes who treat you badly instead!

Rhubarbtart9 · 16/07/2017 20:30

Tell him.

lingoludo · 17/07/2017 15:35

I often feel like I'm going nuts. One lady he works with told me if she ever has a personal problem she knows she can always go to DH for a bit of empathy.
When my father figure died, I only felt indifference and as if my grief was a burden to the family.
He said it was because I'd become quite nasty with him in the midst of my grief (I think I probably had). He also days I constantly nag (I probably do) but if someone was in his ear at work, I'm sure he would stand up to it, rather than shrinking into the background doing very little. Which is where I struggle to empathise with him.

OP posts:
rizlett · 17/07/2017 15:39

This is not your fault op. If you have time read the book 'why does he do that' - the author documents this is a common pattern in men who feel they are entitled to only ever do what they want. Your h might fit this profile.

Figaro2017 · 17/07/2017 15:46

So you were nasty to him and constantly nag him and you wonder why he steps back?

Work relationships are very different to home ones. Who wants to come home to being nagged?

ravenmum · 17/07/2017 16:00

I think it's partly that it is easy to keep up a facade for 8 hours a day, and not as easy to do it for the other 16 hours after all that hard work being the good guy all day.

Plus the reward-seeking, I agree: you get that good review, that hint about a promotion. And conversely fear: if someone criticises you at work then you might not get that project...

Whereas at home, the cliché of the nagging wife is openly available any time your partner criticises you. Nobody wants to be a nagging wife, works well.

I really don't know how working out the reasons for them being on at work and off at home actually translates into getting them to put some effort in with their family, though. I mean, you can be loving and praise them generally, so they feel appreciated and respected themselves - but I'm not going to thank them every time they wipe the toilet seat.

Some women actually manage to rein in the bad home behaviour by pointing out to their partners that it is disrespectful - and don't get the rolled "nag" eyes in return. Some partners realise that they are in the wrong and put more effort in. So it's not all about the nagging.

I used to teach business English, and some of my students were company managers. Many of the managers, though confident speakers, kept on making the same mistakes as they were convinced that they were right, or just ignored my corrections. Being thick-skinned and single-minded is one way to achieve success at work.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/07/2017 16:03

After I divorced DH, who was exactly like this, I said to a few mutual friends that I got in the divorce, "Oh I'm glad we're still friends because you know, everyone loves exDH and I thought everyone would side with him". They almost all said that although exDH was fun, great at work and they enjoyed his company, it was all surface. Like he'd be a great listener but if they needed more than an ear for half and hour, he wasn't there for them. He was also nicer to people who could do things for him, subtly but when people had known him for years...

He was very selfish.

So you were nasty to him and constantly nag him and you wonder why he steps back? In the middle of grief. DH was not the greatest when his mother died but I didn't step back, he needed me.

ThomasRichard · 17/07/2017 16:07

Very quickly, my exH is/was like this because he felt that being the big shot at work carried status, whereas work in the home carried none.

RortyCrankle · 17/07/2017 17:17

Please ignore Figaro2017 - obviously a male apologist for pathetic male behaiour.

Your DH sounds like so many on here, superman in his workplace, total loser at home. These men and their egos know no bounds - he is obviously far too important to deal with domestic matters and is all empathied out dealing with other people's problems at work to help you with your grief. He's an arsehole.

If you have a serious talk with him about this what if he doesn't change? Can you carry on living like this? You probably don't want to hear LTB but that's what I would do.

One thing's for sure, you're not going nuts.

Good luck OP.

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Kevinbaconsrealwife · 17/07/2017 17:27

Your post sounds word for word the same as one of my closest friends could have written a few years back....after years of her worsening mental health due to both benign and malicious neglect of her needs constantly ,she left and divorced him....and everyone knew why....none of us were blinded by his public persona....they actually get on better now and co- parent better than ever they did married.....

Figaro2017 · 17/07/2017 17:31

Different viewpoints, that's all Rorty.

Beelzebop · 17/07/2017 17:35

I often think that it is helpful to replace the word "nag" with "ask".

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