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My porn revenge on Dh

(200 Posts)
serephine16 Fri 14-Jul-17 03:26:36

Ok- me 40, dh 44. So a few months back I found out my dh had been on a porn subreddit called gonewild a few times a week for months, which is basically real 18+ something women posting nudes of themselves. I was heavily pregnant and really low in myself, depressed and low self esteem, and in past conversations my dh had reassured me he wasn't the type to look at porn, disagreed with it vehemently to a point where he would get angry if I asked him did he ever use it. So we agreed porn had no place in our marriage. What has effected me the most, besides feeling totally inadequate was his ability to lie so convincingly and easily and it has created a huge trust problem in our marriage and I've struggled with this everyday since. Now to the point of this post- a little while after going through the subreddit he was on and torturing myself I discovered there was a gonewild30plus subreddit which again is women 30 and over posting nudes, so as pissed as I was with him I decided to get my own back and I posted a picture of my own boobs on the 30 plus page and I told him. During the time it was up I got messages and comments and upvotes from men and although I genuinely felt uncomfortable having such an intimate picture of myself on show, I felt very flattered and it upped my self esteem no end. I took the picture down as my Dh went completely crazy, extremely angry, and has said that what I have done is far far worse then him going onto the same type page basically for god knows how long and looking at many different pictures of young woman and lying to me about it. He's so angry he can't even think about it without blowing up. What I'm asking here is, was I completely out of order doing what I did? I genuinely don't think it's as bad as what he did, but am completely open to all your thoughts and opinions.
In hindsight I do realize tit for tat in a marriage is very unhealthy and I regret that aspect of it.

OP’s posts: |
sparechange Fri 14-Jul-17 03:36:15

It seems like a very strange way to get 'revenge'

Who is right and wrong is irrelevant. You both clearly have issues with trust, boundaries and forgiveness, and I imagine you also have some issues with your self esteem.

If you want to move on, you both need to draw a line under what has happened and get some counselling to work out how to communicate better

RainyApril Fri 14-Jul-17 03:41:28

I suppose it's a little odd to upload such a photo when you disagree so strongly with the industry, and your enjoyment of the attention is baffling to me, but I can't help admiring the fact that you lampooned your dh's hobby so successfully. I doubt those sites will be so appealing to him now.

But I do think tit for tat in a relationship is dangerous and you have escalated things somewhat. He looked but didn't, presumably, upload dick pictures and receive messages from admirers?

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 14-Jul-17 03:46:21

Philosophically I agree. If they are happy to look at breasts, they should be happy for breasts to be looked at.

But actually, the relationship isn't working right now. No one is getting what they need or want and you are trying to get at each other or do things behind each other's back. How do you get back on track? Or do you?

ChewingGumIsNice Fri 14-Jul-17 03:46:22

Wow, that is brilliant! I've been in a similar situation to you and i'd never have thought of doing something like that! And i wouldn't have dared go through with it even if i'd thought of it!
So has he said why he thinks it's ok for him to look at this website but not for you to post a photo on there?

ChewingGumIsNice Fri 14-Jul-17 03:50:41

"*I doubt those sites will be so appealing to him now.*"
Yes that's what i was thinking too! grin
Also, congratulations on your baby and lots of brewcake
It must be a really difficult time for you with a baby and all this going on.

serephine16 Fri 14-Jul-17 03:56:16

He says that my boobs were for only him to see and now that's ruined. I agree, our relationship is not in a great place at all, as I said I have always had self esteem issues and felt inadequate with my husband so finding him on a porn sub forum was the last thing I needed. We are commencing with marriage councilling to help us back on track. I suppose I know we are both wrong but it's well documented that in some couples the husbands use of porn can have very damaging effects on his wife's self esteem and this is what's happened here.

OP’s posts: |
MrsTerryPratchett Fri 14-Jul-17 04:06:47

He doesn't own your body. That alone would be really hard for me to get over.

thestamp Fri 14-Jul-17 04:13:41

I have no issue with user-shared images like those on gonewild. I don't think viewing them is unethical and nor do I think posting on there is wrong. Imo that's all consenting adults type stuff.

The real issue is that you felt you needed "revenge" against your own husband? And that he in turn thinks your body is his to view... Both of those things are pretty revolting tbh.

Is it not time to pack it in, rather than either of you upsetting each other so much? It doesn't sound like much of a relationship?

BadHatter Fri 14-Jul-17 04:15:43

Sounds immature and worse than what your husband did.

What you did was akin to sexting/cheating whereas what he did was look at porn... You made a conscious decision to share an intimate part of you with many, many, other people who are not your husband.

I'm a guy and if I was your husband I would be viewing what you did as infidelity. Sorry.

SpareASquare Fri 14-Jul-17 04:17:32

Meh. He needs to get over himself. Being caught out is probably a huge element of his anger.

I'd be tempted to put a pic up and NOT tell him. If he recognised you he'd have a huge dilemma on his hands grin

BadHatter Fri 14-Jul-17 04:18:21

And to those saying that posting nudes online is ok when in a monogamous marriage, would you be ok with your DH sharing his dick pictures and receiving messages from others telling him what they'd do to him?

🙄

serephine16 Fri 14-Jul-17 04:19:46

Badhatter- are actresses in relationships that do nude scenes or sex scenes even considered cheating? No I don't think so, but thanks for your male opinion.

OP’s posts: |
annandale Fri 14-Jul-17 04:22:16

I can see you felt powerless and decided to take some power back, but power games in a relationship are destructive IMO.

I hope the counselling goes well.

SpareASquare Fri 14-Jul-17 04:22:34

I'm a guy

Yeah, totally couldn't tell so thanks for that confused

ChewingGumIsNice Fri 14-Jul-17 04:22:42

BadHatter
No i wouldn't be OK with my DH doing that but then i don't actively seek out dick pics online and post comments/rate them so i don't see your point.

SuperBeagle Fri 14-Jul-17 04:22:45

I think you've both behaved pathetically, honestly.

BadHatter Fri 14-Jul-17 04:23:15

Their partners know and accept the deal that that's the industry.

Are you in the industry? Is your husband happy with you posting nudes online?

Or did he get "completely crazy" and "extremely angry".

Look, justify it however you want. You were both wrong. You were way more wrong.

serephine16 Fri 14-Jul-17 04:23:20

And to answer you honestly, if he put up a dick pic himself I'd probably find it funny and it would not bother me. If he got into sexting, then I would consider that cheating. But I didn't do anything like that? I ignored any comments, likes etc.

OP’s posts: |
MrsTerryPratchett Fri 14-Jul-17 04:34:00

You made a conscious decision to share an intimate part of you with many, many, other people who are not your husband.

And he made a conscious decision to wank over look at many many other women who weren't his wife.

Funny that street isn't two way.

BadHatter Fri 14-Jul-17 04:43:08

Looking =/= sharing

A two way street is if she hadn't started looking at pictures or pornos of guys.

He stayed on the street and she took off to the air way.

FrencheoGrammaireo Fri 14-Jul-17 04:50:02

Oh OP you had me smiling.

It's genius AND you had the guts to do it. It's your body, so it's up to you what you do with it.

When he's looking at the images, he's in control. He chooses which images he looks at (mentally rejecting others), he has his fantasies going on in his head. It's all about him, his desires and control. - and him sneaking around "naughtily" looking, behind your back. You putting your image up there is you doing something with your body. You had control of your body, you had control of exposing it and he didn't. Now he's angry.

Your response to the idea of him posting dick pics is an indication you don't believe his body is yours.

Up to you to decide whether a man who has some idea of ownership over your body is something you want for the rest of your life. Are you something to be owned, or are you loved for being your own person?

MrsOverTheRoad Fri 14-Jul-17 04:59:57

I think this is being overcomplicated by people referring to it as an "industry"

Gone Wild is social media. Not commercial porn.

WesternMeadowlark Fri 14-Jul-17 05:06:30

I think you were very astute in correctly identifying the action to take that was the equivalent to his behaviour. A lot of people wouldn't. Including him, it seems.

I think a man having attitudes like that would scare me, tbh. If a man likes looking at porn while he's in a relationship, why wouldn't he be ok with his partner being in some, especially if it's just them posing by themselves? I say that as someone pretty ambivalent towards porn in general, btw. I would worry that he viewed sex as being about control, or that he considered women who do porn to be less worthy of respect or something. Yuck.

People have all kinds of funny little dealbreakers, so obviously some people might want a relationship where they get to look at whatever porn they want, while their partner doesn't get to show their body to anyone else, and that's fine. But it needs to be agreed on, which it wasn't in your case. And he stepped out of the agreement first, and lied about the fact that he'd done so, so he's got no grounds to complain.

The fact that you went for tit-for-tat (no pun intended) shows that the relationship isn't in a healthy place, but you seem aware of that and interested in addressing it, so I think you're fine and have no need to feel bad about what you did.

WesternMeadowlark Fri 14-Jul-17 05:09:59

'When he's looking at the images, he's in control. He chooses which images he looks at (mentally rejecting others), he has his fantasies going on in his head. It's all about him, his desires and control. - and him sneaking around "naughtily" looking, behind your back. You putting your image up there is you doing something with your body. You had control of your body, you had control of exposing it and he didn't. Now he's angry.'

[ FrencheoGrammaireo Fri 14-Jul-17 04:50:02]

This.

While such attitudes and behaviour are common, they're disturbing, imo.

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