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I need to rant about living with my rapist

(28 Posts)
Beanie15 Tue 11-Jul-17 19:09:23

My (ex) boyfriend of 3 years is a manipulating compulsive liar. He tried to guilt me into aborting our baby but when I made the decision that was right for me he back peddled and came round to the idea of being a dad.
While I was pregnant it transpired that for a year he had lied about having got into the armed forces. He cried and apologisedo and said he'd get help. He never did.
Other than this our relationship was going really well.
I can't pinpoint exactly where it went wrong but fast forward to a year later and I'm permanently nagging him because all he does is sit on his Xbox and ignores our one year old. And I'm cheating. Casually and with no idea about how I feel about him anymore. Eventually it comes to a point where we know we're struggling, both working very hard to pay rent and looking after our son. We're working opposite shifts and never see each other. My mother invites us to live with her in Wales. We agreed and shortly before we moved he found out about my cheating. I make it clear that I want us to work but if he wants to leave me i would understandand although he is upset he seems to come to terms and wants to still move up with us and work on our relationship.
Then he rapes me, he wanted sex all and I gave in mostly out of guilt. I was working a lot more than him and was exausted all the time, but he would wake me up and i would lay there and let him get on with it. But one night I couldn't bare it anymore so I pretended not to wake up, he prodded me a few times and said out loud "you're really out of it aren't you?"
And so he carried on anyway. I froze, I didn't say no or try and throw him off. I just lay there with my eyes shut hoping he would realise what he was doing. And he didn't. He fell asleep on top of me and I had struggle free, I went and sat in the living room trying to process everything. Was it rape? Did he understand that? Did he care?
He woke up and was fully dressed with shoes on when he found me. As calmly as I could I asked him if he knew what he had done. He denied understanding the whole situation and I told him to go. He then does what he had done a thousand times before when I had reached the end of my tether.
He cries and he hits himself and he punches walls, and pleads and apologises. He makes me feel so guilty that yet again I give in. He sleeps in the bed with me and, although we dont have sex, he cuddles me like some kind of teddy bear. He moves up with us and this behaviour continues, he then tells me that he can't be in a relationship without a physical aspect and I agree that I can't either but I want us to be friends for the sake of our son. He agrees, but he becomes withdrawn and apathetic and takes almost no interest in our son unless he has to. Then tells me he's not sleeping and makes smalls hints at self harm. My mother helps him and refers him to a councillor. I go back to England for a weekend and he tells me before I go that he can live without a physical aspect. I tell him that I can't do it anymore and for the first time he gets angry at me. He tellsaid me that I wanted him to rape me so I had a reason to leave him.
All this and I still have to live with him.

MyOtherProfile Tue 11-Jul-17 19:11:39

You don't have to live with him

user1492287253 Tue 11-Jul-17 19:15:22

sorry, why do you have to live with him?

rascallyrascal Tue 11-Jul-17 19:17:43

Why do you have to live with him. This is not a healthy environment for you or your son. Please, please leave. You will all be happier. Good luck

PacificDogwod Tue 11-Jul-17 19:18:14

Why do you have to live with him?

You need to get out for your own sake. He needs to seek help for himself.

Beanie15 Tue 11-Jul-17 19:22:19

He is leaving in two months when he can afford to (he's only just got a job) I'm scared that he won't meet this deadline but neither of us have anywhere else to go

user1492287253 Tue 11-Jul-17 19:27:41

are you both living with your mother? throw him out.

PacificDogwod Tue 11-Jul-17 19:30:39

Contact social services, declare yourself homeless, you are a lone parent with a child - they will find emergency accommodation for you.

Contact Women's Aid for advice.

Sleep on a friend's sofa with your child.

Change the locks the next time he is out - sorry, I don't know the legalities of this, but there is no way that the situation you are living in is healthy for you, your child or, in fact, him.

Get out.

Beanie15 Tue 11-Jul-17 19:34:15

This is where it gets complicated "LOL"
My mother almost seems to have more sympathy for him, maybe I'm making that up in my head, but she knows he had a horrible childhood and is very depressed and has on more than one occasion that she knows I'm no angel. I'm not sure where she sits in the whole situation

Desmondo2016 Tue 11-Jul-17 19:52:42

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Shoxfordian Tue 11-Jul-17 19:56:29

Have you told your mum everything he's done?

Agree you need to get rid of him

FinallyHere Tue 11-Jul-17 19:57:53

Tell your mother, just the brief facts.

If she still sides with him....well, then at least you will know and plan your escape.

PacificDogwod Tue 11-Jul-17 20:03:18

Womens Aid

Desomondo, IME abused women are no more fucking wet farts than anybody else. They have had their heads messed with to such an extent that they are no longer able to see the way out. Have some fucking compassion.

Freedom Program

Desmondo2016 Tue 11-Jul-17 20:04:54

Oh I know. I've been there.

Desmondo2016 Tue 11-Jul-17 20:06:25

In this case she has not mentioned in anyway not being able to see a way out. She's choosing not to take it for reasons other than being a da victim. I'm on a short fuse today and I've been on mumsnet too long I think! Too many weird and wonderful stories.

PacificDogwod Tue 11-Jul-17 20:08:38

Sorry, Desmondo - I get frustrated too: by the perniciousness of abuse and weird and wonderful stories.

No hard feelings? thanks

Desmondo2016 Tue 11-Jul-17 20:09:05

But hey, I've requested my post be deleted. It was unnecessarily aggressive with too many fuckings. Not this Ops fault I'm on a short fuse today

PacificDogwod Tue 11-Jul-17 20:14:40

Some things needs the emphasis of 'fucking'. Hope you're ok.

Beanie15 Tue 11-Jul-17 20:18:31

So I just said I've just moved to Wales. Have no job, no money and a baby that I'd like to keep hold of. So what? I make myself homeless struggle to cope, potentially lose my reason for living. My mother does know what has happened, the whole story, and today did ask me if I wanted her to kick him out immediately. A massive party of me is screaming to say yes. But then there's that part of me that looks long term. He gets kicked out, either he's homeless or he moves back to England with his parents (horrible people) either way my son is going to have extremely limited contact with his father, and despite everything he has done it know how much he loves his boy. I am living my life ruled by fear.

MushroomTree Tue 11-Jul-17 20:38:04

Beanie15's sister here. Long term member. Infrequent poster. Penis beaker, cutted up pear etc.

I directed her here so she can get the support I don't feel she's getting in real life. My mum knows everything but until now she seemed to be minimising the situation and almost siding with him.

This isn't the first time he's behaved in this way but my sister stayed for my nephew.

I've also told her to get him out and I hoped getting some support here would give her the strength to do that.

deadringer Tue 11-Jul-17 20:53:33

You say that he takes almost no interest in his son so it seems your ds won't miss out on much if he goes. Your situation can't go on much longer, it sounds awful for everyone involved. Your mum has offered to kick him out, take her up on her offer asap. Once he sorts himself out back home with a job and somewhere to live you can organise access. Meanwhile you need to find out what you are entitled to and get all the help you can. Good luck.

MushroomTree Tue 11-Jul-17 20:57:40

That's exactly what I've said deadringer

user1492287253 Tue 11-Jul-17 21:11:38

get your mother to kick him out
you owe it to your son not to raise him in this environment
you need to put yourself first

caffelatte100 Tue 11-Jul-17 22:34:41

Oh my, he's hardly a catch... this horrible, horrible man!
He's mean and cruel, get him out, he's bought this on himself even though he had a tough background.

Most men are not like this, not by a long way. Dont feel sorry for him...

caffelatte100 Tue 11-Jul-17 22:39:30

Oh my, he's hardly a catch... this horrible, horrible man!
He's mean and cruel, get him out, he's bought this on himself even though he had a tough background.

Most men are not like this, not by a long way. Don't feel sorry for him...

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