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Single dad looking for...i dont know really, just someone to tell me im doing ok.

(30 Posts)
Dinggus Tue 11-Jul-17 12:36:40

Erm hello. First time on here properly, ive come on before just to read and look for advice but never postes.
To cut to the chase. Im 23, a single dad and work full time as a support worker (my mum helps far more than she should) my wife left me just over a year ago, roughly 2 months after being married as she was seeing some body else. She left both me and our daughter to move with the new man. She now sees her once a week but for 4 months she didnt see her at all, by her choice not mine, i hate the thought of her not spending time with her mum. Recently she has been speaking alot about wanting my daughter to move in with her and her new boyfriend. Im honestly terrified that i would lose her if this talk followed through to actions. I dont know if i should see a solicitor or....to be blunt i just have no clue at all.
Im so sorry for this huge chunk of text thats poorly written that maybe know one will see anyway.
Again im not sure what im doing here (with not being a mum on "mums"net)
Erm. Thankyou?

Smeaton Tue 11-Jul-17 12:39:19

Speak to a solicitor immediately. They will give you options.
They might suggest you get a court order detailing access or a witnessed parenting plan.

PastysPrincess Tue 11-Jul-17 12:40:29

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Get yourself to a solicitor pronto is the best advice I can give.

Dinggus Tue 11-Jul-17 12:41:14

Ive had alot of people tell me that the court often goes in a womans favour....i hope that didnt sound sexist its just what ive been told.
I have no clue how true or false that is

Trickycat Tue 11-Jul-17 12:41:48

You should definitely see a solicitor. You have been the primary care giver for a year.

You've had a lot to deal with and sounds like you are managing well. Can't have been easy.

Hissy Tue 11-Jul-17 12:44:21

Definitely see a solicitor! the main thing to protect is your child's stability and home. If you are managing to care for your child, have back up and support then there is absolutely no reason why that should change. You should be able to agree on a contact schedule - every other weekend and one other day in the week perhaps if that works, depending on the child's age.

In short, YOU are the primary caregiver and have been for a good chunk of time. courts would not want to change that just because someone has suddenly remembered they have a child.

WingsofNylon Tue 11-Jul-17 12:44:45

She left you. You have been the primary carer for a while now so while courts often favour the mother a solicitor should be able to make a good case for you.

As for it you are doing okay, it sounds like you have your daughter's best interests in mind so I'm sure you are doing fine.

Smeaton Tue 11-Jul-17 12:46:34

The courts aren't weighed in anyone's favour except the child's.

In my experience it's only the 'useless' dads that shout loudest about going to court etc that tell you how awfully sexist the courts are. The fact that they themselves are in no position or mindset to look after a child never comes into it, its just the sexist courts.

Ratbagcatbag Tue 11-Jul-17 12:48:42

I'm assuming you claim the child benefit, which helps determine who the primary carer is.
I'd get a solicitor and I'd also establish a written down contact schedule for your ex regarding your daughter. Good luck.

Ratbagcatbag Tue 11-Jul-17 12:49:05

Does she pay maintenance was my other question?
(Really need an edit function).

Hissy Tue 11-Jul-17 12:49:31

The other thing I wanted to say..

Don't Panic! Don't DO anything other than inform yourself at this stage. Don't offer a contact agreement , don't make any move towards your ex getting anything.

Get advice and make sure you know the pros and cons of your situation and I'd suggest that you LET her follow through and take you to court - there is a good chance she won't bother.

She wants you to make it easy for her. I'd suggest that it is very definitely NOT in your child's best interests for you to roll over and allow that to happen.

thethoughtfox Tue 11-Jul-17 12:49:44

Dingus, this is because it is more common for the woman to be the primary care giver. You are the child's primary care giver. Get advice and legal representation in RL and keep asking for advice here. There are lots of people who either work in the field you need advice in or are going through the same experience. You sound like a great, loving dad.

thethoughtfox Tue 11-Jul-17 12:50:06

I think resident parent is the legal term for what you are.

Dinggus Tue 11-Jul-17 12:51:56

Thats very good to hear then. In my opinion im in a better position to provide care. I dont want my daughter spending time with this man. Which i do have reasons for other than resentment. There is alot of drug use in his house, she told me herself

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 11-Jul-17 12:53:07

You're doing great. It must have been very hard and of course you're scared if your ex wants to change things.

Are you still married or have you divorced? How old is your daughter? How serious did your ex sound about wanting your daughter back or is it possible she said it would be nice but hasn't thought it through?

As everyone's said, please see a solicitor.

And if she's not paying maintenance she should be. So get that sorted.

AdalindSchade Tue 11-Jul-17 12:53:27

Make an application for a child arrangement order asap and get the living arrangements and contact formalised.

Dinggus Tue 11-Jul-17 12:55:32

I dont understand how to properly reply or how to even use this but she has started giving me £30 a month and i also get child benefits for her yes.
Thank you all for the nice comments aswell its extremely nice and unexpected

Desmondo2016 Tue 11-Jul-17 13:15:09

Sounds like you're doing a great job. Please please take the excellent advice already on this thread and I'm certain you will be able to carry on being a great daddy to your little girl. Oh and stick around... there's plenty of men on here!

Desmondo2016 Tue 11-Jul-17 13:16:08

Oh and do a cms calculation online... You may be surprised what she could be having to give you

Dinggus Tue 11-Jul-17 13:19:45

Thankyou ill look into that calculator smile
I never knew men were on here! I guess its pretty stupid to believe that now i really think about it

Smeaton Tue 11-Jul-17 13:26:32

There's men on Mumsnet... really?
WeIll I never... grin

I kid of course because I'm a man... also a single parent and also thinking of these steps. wink

Dinggus Tue 11-Jul-17 13:36:57

Alright, alright. I have no clue why i thought it would be only women....hmm there must be loads in the same sittuation as me, everybody i talk to just seems to think its strange. I even got grief off my doctors about it when i tried to register her!

jeaux90 Tue 11-Jul-17 13:46:11

Hey Dinguss. There is the lone parents part of the forum too. You sound like you are doing a great job. Take control, get legal advice and don't try to be the nice guy, do what's right for your dd and you x

BIWI Tue 11-Jul-17 13:58:16

It may be called Mumsnet, but its proposition is 'by parents, for parents', so you've come to the right place grin

Dinggus Tue 11-Jul-17 14:03:31

Thanks jeaux90 ill look into that smile

Im starting to wish i never brought up the "mums"net thing grinblush

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