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Stay or go?

(4 Posts)
idpreferanegroni Mon 10-Jul-17 16:28:47

The same old chestnut.
I'm in a really long relationship. We obviously have history, home, ds, mutual friends, basically - a life.

But I can't really forgive him for his behaviour towards me during pregnancy,birth, first few years after. He withdrew emotionally and sexually - he had personal reasons but it still hurt. I couldn't do much about it at the time as I had a baby, I just got angry. He also has prioritised his work over the last few years.

Now I really want to leave. I keep fancying other men, one in particular(single I stress), who I'm very physically attracted to but I can't do anything as I'm officially in a relationship. I'm not sure I even fancy my dp anymore, we've grown apart emotionally. Every time I emotionally commit and we discuss the past, he seems to withdraw. But I value my family. On the other hand sex really matters to me and I know I don't fancy my dp. But could that be years of resentment?

I feel pretty dead inside if I think about staying. On the other hand I feel guilty and scared if I think about leaving. He doesn't want to seperate. We have talked. I feel like I need to figure this out in my own head but there are no clear answers.

Adora10 Mon 10-Jul-17 17:13:43

He doesn't want to separate cos the arrangement suits him fine and dandy, however, he gives not a jot about your happiness, about time you took control OP and did what was right for you, he's not got your back, sounds like he never did have.

Go have a happy life with a man that really wants to be with you and doesn't see you as some familiar appliance.

idpreferanegroni Tue 11-Jul-17 09:54:42

Thanks for your comments. It's just very tricky when there's a kid involved. And if you've been in a relationship for a long time it's hard to imagine something different. Most relationships require work so it's hard to know what's normal and what's a crap way to live. And I genuinly don't know if I should put the effort in as it's a family or ........

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 11-Jul-17 10:05:14

I can see what he gets out of it; he has you around to look after him. But there seems nothing in this for you at all; would you want to spend the rest of your life in this relationship?.

You mention history. People get bogged down by thinking about their sunk costs. There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships; you cannot afford to show that person that a loveless relationship is his/her norm too.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all. Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

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