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Another baby with Aspergers partner?

(16 Posts)
inhaleexhale Mon 10-Jul-17 08:19:24

I suspect DH of having aspergers, which only prominently came to light following DC1s birth. It's been a very difficult couple of years and we have had a lot to work through.
I would like another child, however I worry that DH will not be able to support another sickly pregnancy as empathy is not a strong point of his. Also, he would need to step up and take care of DC1 more should I become sickly during the pregnancy again. He can do it. But everything needs specific instructions and I know I'm likely to become frustrated and resentful if he can't step up and take some initiative.
DH would like another DC.
But I worry about DH being able to meet my emotional needs during and after the pregnancy. It may be that I will need to draw on more support from family members.
Or maybe another child is a bad idea?
Anyone have any experience of having a partner with Aspergers and found a way to manage emotive events without emotional support?

Dawndonnaagain Mon 10-Jul-17 09:44:39

Why do you think he has AS? Is it because of a lack of emotional support? Often people with AS empathise too deeply, hence having to cut themselves off and appear unemotional, it's because the feelings are so incredibly overwhelming.
If he just needs help being organised, then write lists and add to them things like: If I'm being sick, or feeling sick, this is what you need to do.

junebirthdaygirl Mon 10-Jul-17 10:11:29

Could ye afford paid help during pregnancy? I was very sick, dh had to work long hours so we can someone in to him.

Hermonie2016 Mon 10-Jul-17 10:26:59

If you want another child then you may have to accept none or limited support.Jist focus on the practical steps he can do, get you to hospital, have car parking change, brng you food.

Relationships with partners with undiagnosed AS have very high failure rates as you lose trust in a partners ability to be there for you.

Have you considered specific AS counselling, Maxine Aston is one of the well known counsellors.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 10-Jul-17 10:39:20

What is your own understanding of AS?. Have you for instance read widely about autism generally?. What if you are barking up the wrong tree here altogether?

What is your relationship like with him day to day? Abusive men as well can ramp up the power and control soon after the birth of the first child and that is a known flashpoint for abusers.

I would not bring another child into this unless you both manage to sort out the problems within it.

How does your H get along with family, friends and work colleagues?

Chaotica Mon 10-Jul-17 10:43:43

I did, although I didn't know about the AS at the time so perhaps I didn't notice as much. It was just a bit lonely. I think I just got on with it though (high risk pregnancy and all) and XP had to look after DC1 while I was in hospital. Lists and precise instructions are your friend. Support from outside the immediate family is also a help.

I'd go for it because I think it helps my DC to have each other. (One has ASD, one doesn't.)

There were difficulties later when the DC got a bit older and started developing their own opinions and personalities as XP didn't appreciate that they might want to do things which he didn't. Suddenly he was living with a lot of people and that made him withdraw. It wouldn't have been any better with just one though.

missadasmith Mon 10-Jul-17 11:15:34

what makes you think he has AS? you say you suspect it. are you medically trained and able to diagnose such condition? do you actually know anything about AS other than the stereotypes that get trotted out about it?

nothing in your OP screams AS at me

sunsurfacingdefiantly Mon 10-Jul-17 11:17:28

It's funny how it manifests itself differently I know, but my brother is AS and is incredibly caring when people are ill (nicer than me!)

Are you sure it is as?

Chaotica Mon 10-Jul-17 11:39:21

OP - your post suggests AS to me (from personal experience), although it might not be.

Chaotica Mon 10-Jul-17 11:40:45

Have you and DH thought of getting a diagnosis?

FrencheoGrammaireo Mon 10-Jul-17 12:03:46

My DP probably has Aspergers (undiagnosed officially but three psychologists agree and after he read about it he recognised himself and his adolescence very clearly - sadly). I recognised his traits and certainly we are a stereotypical Aspergers and non-Aspergers couple..going through divorce as a result.

That aside.

I've had two children with him and after the second which was very difficult and I had absolutely no emotional support of empathy with him I couldn't have the third child I'd always wanted. The possibility of going through that isolation again was too much.

If you go ahead, think about how a second baby adds not only a second child but more relational links. So it's not the relation between you and child that needs managing but between the child and their sibling and other parent. It can be done but sometimes it's an emotional burden for you because he isn't aware.

However, if he's open to learning and accepting that there are some things he needs to learn if he wants to facilitate his family, then he will be able to follow clear instructions on how to respond to the children.

DP and I aren't going to be together naturally, but the children are so important to him that he's been willing to work on things for their sake that he hasn't with me.

But during the pregnancy you need to make sure you have people to lean on and I'd consider lining up a therapist - being emotionally seen and heard isn't a luxury, it's something everybody needs and the partner of someone with Aspergers often lacks, to the detriment of their own health and self esteem, despite the positives that can come with being in a relationship where Aspergers features.

FrencheoGrammaireo Mon 10-Jul-17 12:07:18

And I highly recommend this book for you both. It highlights the dynamics of the relationship in a non-accusatory way (shows where both misunderstand the other for example) and offers strategies. If we'd read this years ago it might have made a difference. Too much about Aspergers is by the person with it or about the person with it, rather than the relationship dynamic.

MattBerrysHair Mon 10-Jul-17 18:12:16

I think it's a case of accepting him for who he is and identifying exactly what issues you are concerned about and formulating a plan. Being very direct and clear about what you need and how it needs doing is essential.

Isetan Mon 10-Jul-17 22:37:22

I love MN but the way some on here appear to diagnose ASD and narcissism with such ease is staggering. Expecting your partner to provide practical and emotional support during difficult times is not unreasonable. However, expecting it from a partner who has demonstrated that he isn't up to it (whatever the reason), is not smart.

You are currently with a man who has difficulty providing emotional and practical support to you during stressful times. Either accept that this is who he is and adjust your expectations and plan accordingly or don't and run the risk of your resentment corroding your relationship.

BlackeyedSusan Mon 10-Jul-17 22:56:17

I winge and moan all over mumsnet. (ex is probably aspie but he will be the last to know)

i had a second child knowing that I would be entirely responsible for that child apart from finances which ex can do. It was not a great relationship to bring a second child into. If i had been on mumsnet i don;t think i would have done as ex was also violent. (not as bad at that time it got worse in that pregnancy and after) not that I regret having dc2.

I am entirely responsible for the childs well being and upbringing, apart from the finances which ex pays.

also bear in mind that there may be a genentic link in autism. dc2 has a diagnosis, dc1 is on the waiting list.

inhaleexhale Tue 11-Jul-17 12:59:47

Thanks all. What I've taken from this I think is that we need to ait together and implement some lists/strategies/jobs before trying for DC2. So that we are prepared when the time comes. Rather than jumping in head first again. I like the idea of lining up a therapist. I will work on getting my support network together before the time comes and keep discussing with DH what hos role will be and to ask exactly what 'extra' he is willing to do. He will need to do the cooking for example for the first few months if I am as sickly as last time. I guess if he's willing to take it all on, then I know my answer and if not, then I also know my answer! We can not afford to pay for extra help.

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