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Should I leave?

(21 Posts)
jd88123 Sun 09-Jul-17 17:54:27

Sorry in advance for the long post. I need some helpful advice please. My dh of 8 years has been speaking to other people online on various websites. I first found this out last October and he said it was because he had lost his job in the January and felt low and depressed and was too ashamed to speak to me. I accepted this although was hurt because he didn't speak to me. He swore it was just talking. I have had trust issues since and have been snooping. I found on his Google account he was downloading two apps for chatting, 3 times a day nearly every other day. One is the one you send pics on. He didn't have me as a friend on there. He denies anything sexual and says it was just chat as he has no friends and is lonely. I found out he was doing this even before he lost his job. I don't know if I can trust him again and I work nightshifts..will I be wondering what he's doing all the time. We have a 5 year old and have just moved house with a mortgage. I love him but don't know how to go on. I believe it's nothing sexual I just don't know if I can cope with betrayal. I have suggested a lie detector and counselling. He wouldn't do the detector as he doesn't think they are accurate. But would do counselling. Would you believe him? Tia

loveyoutothemoon Sun 09-Jul-17 18:09:12

So it's women he's chatting to yeah?

jd88123 Sun 09-Jul-17 18:16:23

He said some men too but I don't know whether to believe him. And he told me it was one person about 5 times. It was just today I found out it was a lot more. I don't know why he didn't admit it in first place. Makes me think he is hiding something.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 09-Jul-17 18:18:29

Are they dating sites?

MyheartbelongstoG Sun 09-Jul-17 18:18:56

He's a cunt isn't he.

Why waste your life on this crap.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 09-Jul-17 18:21:51

A lie detector test is ridiculous. Ask him to show you the messages.

jd88123 Sun 09-Jul-17 18:31:13

He doesn't have it anymore as he deleted the app back when I found out. We are talking January was the last time I know he was on there. I want to leave but I don't for the sake of my daughter. My husband says it would be silly to throw everything away for the sake of just chatting which would make me feel guilty for leaving as when he puts it like that. I wish there was a way to know if he is telling the truth.

jd88123 Sun 09-Jul-17 18:31:44

No just talking apps. He found them on generic chat sites he said.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 09-Jul-17 18:38:42

Well he can't show the conversations now can he?

Are there other things that have made you suspicious?

jd88123 Sun 09-Jul-17 18:40:48

Not really. I found a naked pic of him on his tablet but he says he just wanted to know what he looked like as hasn't gone to the gym for ages. I feel like a mug. He insists he has not had an affair or anything sexual. To me it feels like an emotional affair. He said they just talked about normal.things. he said our conversations were about the same things ...this feels like a kick in the stomach too .

TheNewSchmoo Sun 09-Jul-17 18:48:39

If he wants to know what he looks like naked, he can look in a mirror. He's lying to you.

Get him to download the apps again, depending what they are, sometimes the chats are still there

loveyoutothemoon Sun 09-Jul-17 18:49:36

I'm not surprised you feel like that. What DO you actually talk about when you're together?

jd88123 Sun 09-Jul-17 18:54:46

He can't remember the details. How convenient eh. Loads of different stuff. The usual stuff I imagine. Arghhh

Ginger782 Sun 09-Jul-17 18:55:33

OP, typically when someone in the Relationships section asks "Should I leave?" the answer is yes. They are just searching for confirmation that it's ok to do so.
It's ok to do so.

jd88123 Sun 09-Jul-17 18:57:29

Actually it's that he's deleted his account. I just tried to login but the account doesn't exist. He says he hasn't done it since January.

jd88123 Sun 09-Jul-17 18:58:34

But do you not think I would be stupid to throw our relationship away for just chatting? We still love each other and I couldn't bear to be apart knowing it may be salvaged. Feeling sorry for myself 😥

loveyoutothemoon Sun 09-Jul-17 19:55:54

If you found out last October, what is it that's raking up your feelings now?

jd88123 Sun 09-Jul-17 20:15:41

I have been checking up on him since then. It's exhausting but I can't help myself. I looked at his Google account today and seen the play store download history. Sigh. I have given him another chance ad can't throw away what we have. I have promised to stop checking.

GlitterSparkles17 Sun 09-Jul-17 20:41:23

Please don't stop checking, why should you? He's not going to stop chatting to women. His excuses are poor and I can't believe you have fallen for them. Either that or you don't want to accept what he's up to. I get that you love him and your a family but could you do what he's doing and still look him in the eye? That's exactly what he's doing so clearly feels no guilt as he's trying to hide it all from you. Ask him outright to see his phone.

GlitterSparkles17 Sun 09-Jul-17 20:42:20

You are never going to trust him and always going to wonder what he's up to, it's going to be exhausting, relationships shouldn't be like that.

Josuk Sun 09-Jul-17 21:15:26

I have lost you at the lie detector. Really - too much.

Life is really to short to live like this. If you can't trust and need to constantly check on your partner - I'd leave OR gone to get some counselling to get your self esteem up.

I'd also look at the relationship instead and figured out if there is something that isn't working - because there must be. Because that's the only thing might explain this obsessiveness.
And once you figure out what it is - maybe the intimacy, maybe there lack of attention when you are together that is bugging you - then address that.

Stop checking his internet history - mostly because it's pointless. A smart person will hide things and you'll never find it anyway.
But this constant need for checking will drive you mad.

And - no lie detector.

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