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Adult DCs don't see their 'D'F anymore

(12 Posts)
AnyaNotAnna Sat 08-Jul-17 23:14:23

DS and DD are in their 20s - both happy with hobbies, jobs etc.

XP and I split up 10 years ago but he kept in contact and saw them every couple of weeks. Contact has ceased over past year as all he wanted to do was invite them round to his house where he now lives with new partner (seems nice enough) and put on a show for her as to what a great DF he was. (In fact he's below average). DC felt used and stopped visiting or contacting him and there's been no contact between them for almost a year. They liked his new partner and she seemed to like them.

I used to speak to XP on the phone fairly regularly about issues with the DC but this lessened as they got older. When he got with new partner he became quite off hand with me and clearly didn't want any contact which I think is silly but I'm not upset about it. However I rang him a few months ago and suggested he get in touch with DC - he said why should he when they don't bother to contact him.

DC seem okay with the lack of contact but I know they're hurt that he no longer seems to care or want them in his life unless its for purposes of making him look good in front of his new partner.

Not sure whether I should be trying to get them back together or to stay out of it. They say they're not bothered as he was never around much previously. Anyone else experienced anything like this?

Sn0tnose Sat 08-Jul-17 23:36:16

I think you should stay out of it. They're adults and both capable of making the decision for themselves. And it sounds like you'd have to convince him to get in touch with them. They're unlikely to want to see him if he's been pressurised into it, rather than because he's desperate to have a relationship with them and a meeting in which anyone has had to be talked into it is never going to end well.

I remember the way my mum dealt with it, which was to tell us that we needed to make sure that if we had anything we wanted to say to him, then we should make sure that we said it sooner rather than later in case anything ever happened to him. As an adult, I can't think of anything better she could have said.

Howlongtilldinner Sun 09-Jul-17 04:19:53

My adult DC can't be bothered with their Dad. He was/is a hopeless waste of space. I leave it to them as I'm not fussed either way. They are adults, they'll work it out themselves.

AnyaNotAnna Sun 09-Jul-17 22:49:49

Thanks both :-)

nuttyknitter Sun 09-Jul-17 22:59:21

It's sad but not unusual. I am still married to the father of my adult DC but they don't have a really meaningful relationship with him. He loves them in his own way and they love him but it wouldn't cross his mind to text or phone them - any news of them comes through me. I don't think he'd know how to keep a relationship going with them if I wasn't around!

SparkleMotions Mon 10-Jul-17 00:32:40

I'm 28. Been NC with my Dad since Christmas. Hasn't been the most supportive person in my life. When I lost my job just over a year ago, his only comment was "well what are you going to do about the money you owe me?", not is there anything I can do, my Birthday was a few days after losing job, and he never bothered to ring, send card etc, did exactly the same this past Christmas on DS Birthday and mine again this year. He values money more than he values a relationship with me, so I am leaving him to it!

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 Mon 10-Jul-17 00:35:56

Stay out of it. My DH and his brother aren't in contact with their dad anymore because they were sick of doing all the running and getting nothing back.

Attempts from their mum to try to push them back just made them annoyed with her for trying to influence their decisions.

theoldtrout01876 Tue 11-Jul-17 18:02:22

2 out of my 3 adult children dont see their dad. Im thrilled. The damage he has done those kids over the years is heartbreaking ( It was court ordered visitation ). The 3rd sees him when he feels like and that isnt often. He was the golden child so didnt get the grief the other 2 did.

WinifredAtwellsOtherPiano Tue 11-Jul-17 18:23:57

If you felt the situation was upsetting your children (and he wasn't abusive, just a bit crap and self-absorbed) then you should probably try and facilitate a rapprochement because adult or not they're your DC and you want them to be happy if it's within your power to help. However if you think they're telling the truth about not being fussed then clearly you should let it go.

runsmidgeOMG Tue 11-Jul-17 18:27:28

I don't get it !
My MIL was all about the "leaving him to live his own life" but then winged when he didn't contact her. She made out she was "never a nag" and seemed to think she was the perfect parent because of it... she was quite the opposite she never bothered contacting him at all and not once asked how our DD was... we're Nc now

redfairy Tue 11-Jul-17 18:33:13

My grown up children only see their father at funerals and weddings. He ignores them. Bastard!

Desmondo2016 Tue 11-Jul-17 19:04:51

My adult DD and DS haven't seen their father for a year now because he began acting like an even bigger twat than he used to be and they were old enough to see through it. They simply have no time for him and it would appear that he has no desire to build bridges with them as a Christmas and birthday each have now passed with no contact from him. Now if only my heartbroken 12 year old could come to terms with his absent father and stop seeing him as some kind of disappeared superhero then we'd ALL be happy.

My advice for You, stay out of it once the kids are old enough to make contact (or abstain if they do desire) directly. I had to accept a long time ago that I could not control nor influence exdh's actions however much they were hurting our children.

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