Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Would this upset you?

(8 Posts)
OhMyYears Sat 08-Jul-17 10:16:46

NC for this. Been with DP a few years, it's not been without issues. But something has been niggling me for a long time now. Sorry for the essay.

18 months into our relationship, his best mate came over for a few drinks one night. His best mate has always made it obvious he found me attractive, but on this particular night he started whispering rude stuff in my ear at which point my DP noticed and said " Get your hands off my woman" in a joking sort of way. But later on that night, after way too many Jaegarbombs we were all sitting on the sofa, it is quite a large L shaped sofa and I was pretty drunk (but still completely with it!) and I was sitting with my knees up towards me (I was wearing a 3/4 flowing skirt). My DP was sitting on the right and his best friend was sitting on the left and there was music playing etc well his best mate started stroking me under my skirt very close to you know where. You could tell he was trying to make sure my DP couldn't see. I got up as soon as I caught on to what was happening and made an excuse that I was tired and went to bed.

I didn't tell my DP what happened for a whole month, because I guess I just rationalised it as a man who had a few too much to drink. But he is married also, and his wife is also close friends with my DP. And after a conversation with a friend of mine who is a police officer who said what happened is basically assault I decided to bring it up. Don't get me wrong I know wasn't raped or anything but I never gave him any inclination that I wanted him to do what he did.

I decided to tell my DP what happened, but he did nothing about it and is still continuing to be friends with him confused Sometimes I've wondered whether it was "planned" to see if something else would have developed that night between all 3 of us. But my DP has never struck me as the kind of person who would be into that, and he knows I'm not into that kind of thing either.

Since that night, I've made myself scarce around his best mate. I make sure I leave the house every time I know he is coming round. And haven't seen him for about 18 months because my DP now goes out for drinks with him rather than have him round. But now I'm feeling really hurt by my DP's actions more than what actually happened. Because he seems to not care about how I feel. Am I being unreasonable for thinking he shouldn't even be friends with him anymore, and at the very least he should have told his friend that his actions were out of order?

PaintingOwls Sat 08-Jul-17 10:25:47

Does he not have any other friends? Is he a bros before hoes type of guy?

ImTooFarAwayFromBeingMe Sat 08-Jul-17 10:34:15

Well I find it really odd that he was happy for his best mate to try touch you in that way and not say or do anything. I would expect the man to cut ties with his friend if his gf is more important to him. To be honest it seems In my opinion his friendship is more important than his relationship.

OhMyYears Sat 08-Jul-17 10:41:34

He has one other best friend who he sees regularly, and a few other friends he speaks to on social media but doesn't actually meet up with. He is definitely not a "mans man" even though he has a lot of "male interests" but I agree in that I think he just values his friend more than me. I've kind of come to terms with that really.

Ellisandra Sat 08-Jul-17 10:54:17

I would un-come to terms with it.

What I want in a life partner is someone who puts me first - only exception is his children.

That's what most people accept, and get.

Even if his arsehole mate hadn't sexually assaulted you, why bother with a man who puts his mate before you?

Pick your self esteem up off the floor and dump your boyfriend.

OhMyYears Sat 08-Jul-17 13:32:09

I meant come to terms with it as in "I'm leaving" I didn't really make that clear. I just wanted clarification that I wasn't wrong for feeling the way I have.

Ellisandra Sat 08-Jul-17 13:39:18

Oh I'm so glad to hear that! Your OP didn't give the impression that you'd decided to get shot.

scoobydoo1971 Sat 08-Jul-17 13:57:23

Glad you are leaving him as his response is disrespectful. You should feel safe and comfortable in your own home. I do wonder if it was staged to see if you were into 'swapping' or some other variant of that, as the mate would have to be very arrogant and cheeky to make a move on you in front of him. Your OH hasn't exactly reacted like most men would in the circumstances so perhaps there was a game plan that failed to achieve the desired outcome. Men watch porn and get a distorted perception of what women want and desire from that...including 3-way and swapping. I have an unwanted admirer/ stalker bothering me, but my OH has acted protectively and offers to come out with me walking the dogs etc to make sure I am safe. I think most supportive partners would act accordingly, and it is for the best that you split up with someone who doesn't prioritise you over his mates.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now