Need some support after tough breakup

[Songbird86]

Hi all
I'm really struggling at the moment and need some support/ advice/ input and general insight really. So I'm going to splurge everything here! Sorry it's long.

My boyfriend and I split up 3 weeks ago after a year of being together. We met on a dating app and within a matter of weeks we'd declared our love for each other and felt we were each other's soul mates. He asked me to move in with him after a month and I did.

Then we started having some small arguments and disagreements after about 3 months in. The sex slowly dwindled until we didn't have sex at all (or any physical intimacy) for almost 6 months straight. During that period when I told him I was concerned about the lack of sex he told me that we needed to go a week without arguing before we could have sex again. That week never came. Then on another occasion he told me that he'd been avoiding sex because one time I complained during sex because of something he did.

After our fights he'd talk to me about how he thought I had a faulty perception of him and that I was seeing him as someone he wasn't. (I had a difficult upbringing and problems with parents, as well as a messy breakup with an ex the year before who was verbally abusive at the end). So he thought my behaviour was driven by that, whereas I felt my behaviour was driven by my reactions to how I thought he was behaving towards me e.g arrogant, snappy, short.

Anyway our arguments became more frequent and I felt like I was the problem in the relationship. We would go round in circles (all the while no sex because of the fighting. Even when i initiated closeness he'd push me away saying we were "too broken" or he "wasn't ready")

Then a few months before we broke up we developed trust issues for the first time in the relationship. He went to a stag do and we had a fight in the afternoon before he left. When he came back home the next day from the hotel he was super quiet and said he needed space. I assumed it was because of the fighting. But then after a week of space (and living apart and me losing my mind) he finally asked if we could talk and he confessed that "something happened" that night. A random girl he met at a bar that night kissed him 3 times (he says he didn't initiate the kissing), put her number in his phone and they'd then been messaging each other that whole week after where we'd been having space (he swore they didn't have sex but that she'd tried). I was devastated but had this nagging feeling something wasn't right because he changed his WhatsApp picture in the middle of the night (one of me and him together to a picture of just him). Bizarrely the day he told me he'd kissed someone he initiated sex with me...maybe guilt?

Then the last 6 weeks we were together it was so strained between us. We argued even more and he kept asking for space. The trust was broken and he didn't respect my feelings on the trust issue. One night during "space" I texted him and he ignored my message for 9 hours and I later found out he'd been to the cinema with a woman. He said she was a friend and I was being unreasonable having a go at him and "could he not have female friends".

I decided to move out for a while but we weren't broken up just yet. The purpose was to figure out what we wanted outside of the turmoil. I had been suggesting couples counselling for a while and he was hesitant. He seemed really sad about me going and didn't want me to go but this time I was one who needed space.

During that time apart I saw he was online on WhatsApp a lot and I decided to just ask if he was texting girls (looking for reassurance). He got defensive and said "does my mum count?" Then said "this is not space and we agreed to talk again in a week - this is upsetting me" but never directly answered my question. I lost it the next night and went off on one and bombarded him with texts about how I couldn't understand why he wouldn't reassure me and why didn't he get that I didn't trust him and we needed professional help. He pretty much ignored me until the next day when he replied saying he couldn't understand why I was doing this to us, that I clearly wanted us to fail, he couldn't do this anymore. I explained that I wanted counselling because I couldn't live like this not trusting. He said he couldn't be treated like this and ended it, then said after he'd ended it he was prepared to go to counselling and give me what I wanted but I had "backed out" by not giving him space"! Very easy to say that when you have no intention of going right?

So there we go, that's my condenser story. A whole year together ended completely over WhatsApp. He even made sure he was out when I collected my stuff. He spent the next day messaging me about all our shared items, offering me money for things like bedside drawer and candles. He even asked me if the wooden spoons were mine or his :(

After I'd left he messaged me saying he was sorry it didn't work out and he did truly loved me and cared for me and would have done anything to know I was safe and happy. Then said goodbye. I replied to him with a heartfelt message wishing him the best and apologising too.

That was 3 weeks ago. I am not healing well. I have not contacted him, he's not contacted me. I feel like two different people. One person blames myself for everything and thinks I was too much to handle and he'd simply had enough. The other half of me thinks he was manipulating me into thinking the problems in the relationship were down to my behaviour and faulty perceptions. I am so lost and confused. I cry every day. I am constantly anxious. I still love him and miss him so much, I'm having dreams about him at night. This man who told me that he adored me and that I was his soul mate, that I was the only one he could truly be himself with, no longer exists in my life :( I feel like there's been no closure.

Well done and thank you for getting through it all! Xx

[user1480334601]

Hugs for you OP

Reading your post as an outsider he sounds awful to be honest! It doesn't sound like your relationship made you happy and had too many signs you weren't right together.

It's hard at this stage but I promise it'll pass. Take time to focus on you and also look at what you can learn from this relationship for when you next meet someone (when you're ready!)

Make a list of all his bad points and things he did and said horrible to you. Then when you're missing him read it!

Good luck xx

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

Sounds really really hard work. I think you will feel relieved soon

[altiara]

Find someone that wants to have sex with you.
Surprised you didn't break up sooner. If you're feeling sad, just read it back through, it wasn't a relationship worth saving.
Enjoy yourself going out with friends and meeting new people.
Hugs xx

[Trickycat]

He sounds unpleasant and the relationship had a whirlwind start with nothing of substance after that.

It is natural to be upset but try to accept that it is best it is over. You will feel better soon. And don't judge a person by their words but by their actions.

[category12]

I think you're feeling so upset because basically he has messed with your head so much over the year that you're kinda hooked on the emotional roller-coaster. It sounds like he was emotionally abusive to me. You might find it helpful to get some counselling, maybe do the freedom programme. (The very quick intense lovebombing beginning of the relationship, rush to commit, then push-pull away hot and cold, the withholding of intimacy etc - make me think this.)

It will get better. Don't go seeking more closure from him, you really have had it already (he ended it, you said goodbye etc) - the desire for more is just this emotional hook he has you on. Stay away.

[Underthemoonlight]

Honestly I'm surprised this relationship lasted as long as it did. You spent half of it in a sexless relationship. We all have bad relationships you just need to chalk up to experience and move on and try not to do the same mistakes in any future relationships.

[ojojoj1]

Anyone else spotted a bit of bipolar behaviour there on his part ?

[Songbird86]

Thanks for all your input.

I think the hardest bit is I keep remembering all the good stuff. Like the nice times when he would tell me he loved me and that he thought I was so kind/beautiful/lovely. He was affectionate but in a sexless way. He used to talk I a child like voice during those times....

I was diagnosed with MS 2 years ago and he was supportive with my appointments and paid to go private. A lot of his way of showing me love I think was through trying to pay for things like that. He earned a lot more than me and he tried to make my life as comfortable as possible.

I really just don't know what to make of it all. I do have a counsellor I've been seeing for the past year (so she's even heard me first hand trying to make sense of it every week as it unfolded). She thinks he has problems expressing his anger and projected this on to me (he would tell me that I'm SO negative and SO angry, but from my part this was always because I felt like I needed to defend myself in some way - that's where the "faulty perception" statements from him came in)

I guess I'm trying to see what others make of this. I need to know I'm not crazy

[SaltySeaDog72]

It always surprises me to hear of counsellors analysing the other people in clients' relationships.

Your counsellor should not be analysing him IMO. It's not helpful. It makes it harder to release yourself from the emotional twists and turns of this bad, non relationship. Find a counsellor who will work exclusively with yourself. Focus only on you. Work out why you didn't spot this Headworker. Get more healthy for your life going forward. Meet your own emotional needs. He is irrelevant. At this very vulnerable time give yourself the gift of a better therapist.

[SaltySeaDog72]

You're not crazy. Not at all. But you have some emotional stuff that needs untangling and a bit of help from the right therapist.

hugs to you at this painful time. You will get better. You'll feel better. I guarantee it.

More

[Changedname3456]

I think you jumped into living together too quickly. Take more time to get to know your next boyfriend before you commit to them.

He sounds immature. I think, TBH, you'll look back on this (pretty soon) and think "lucky escape there!" Presumably he's not that young if he's going on stags, but what's with the baby voices and the very early declarations of undying love? Were you his first "serious" relationship?

[Songbird86]

He's 34, I'm 31. He's had LOTS of failed relationships and "crazy exes" which I know are red flags. Was always cagey about talking about past relationships. He said the gf before me was abusive to him and threw stuff at him inc furniture. He is completely infuriating at times and whilst it's not justified to ever be abusive, I do kind of relate to her level of frustration. He could be extremely pedantic and arrogant. My parents didn't really take to him much, nor my brother. He didn't meet my friends.

[SaltySeaDog72]

Next time you're dating someone, allow yourself at least two years to get to know them.

If you are arguing about stuff after 3 months it's just a non starter. When close family and friends 'don't take to' a boyfriend, think about why that might be.

Find a person and a relationship without the drama.

Best way of doing that is to work on and date yourself for at least a year.

[Ellisandra]

Sometimes, it's not about analysing and understanding.

It's about thinking "wow, he's a cunt a fuck this shit". And walking away.

You will never know exactly why he treated you so badly - so more productive to spend your time (and counselling money) on understanding you and why you were prepared to accept it for so long. That will keep you safer in subsequent relationships.

Two things jump out at me - his "good points" were all talk and money. Words about loving you, being soul mates... and buying things. Always always always judge by ACTIONS and how someone makes you FEEL.
Not words, not money.

[category12]

In not too long you will put it all together and realise it was never you, it was him. And be glad. Bullet dodged.

[Ellisandra]

Oh and just don't ever move in with someone after 4 weeks.

[Songbird86]

I've kept a bit of a record of some messages of his that bothered me, see what you think...

"Told you not to assume I am against you"

"You are insecure and don't know how to get what you want"

"You are trying to reduce me to a shadow of what I am"

"Drop your anger and realise I was being nice / you are deliberately trying to upset me/ I was trying to be nice / trying to smooth things over"

"I am only ever trying to help"

"your anger was not proportional"

"When considering it was just a statement delivered to you in a fair way (my point of view), which I then clarified was not meant to be meant that way, your reaction was extreme."

"I see someone that feels challenged, over reacts due to feeing they have to defend themselves and then feels the need to punish."

"you have again forgotten who I am because my actions are better explained by some other pattern that you know. Please start seeing me - not your reactive version of me."

[Aussiebean]

You think the break up is your fault because he constantly told you it was.

Yet he was the cold one, he was the one who refused to be intimate, he was the one who would not go to counselling, he was the one who kissed a girl THREE TIMES and didn't tell her to fuck off after the first time because he has a girlfriend. He was the one who continued to message her and others.

The man who adored you hasn't existed for at least 9 months and probably didn't exist at all.

Best advice I was given was that it takes at least a year to get to know someone. In that year you see how they are at life. How they are at birthdays, Christmas, periods of stress, periods of plenty, how they handle good news and bad. How they handle different types of people (waiters, homeless, foreigners). How they do the housework, their work ethic their down time.

Next time give yourself at least a year before you consider moving in with them. And be objective. How do they act? not what do they say?

[Aussiebean]

And of course. How they handle conflicts and arguments. Especially with you.

[Songbird86]

Thank you aussiebean that's really helpful xx

[Songbird86]

Would anybody else have been upset if they found out their boyfriend had gone to the cinema with a woman you'd never heard of or met in his life, whilst you were giving him a weekend of space (which he requested). Baring in mind the month month prior he had kissed someone another woman (and kept texting them for a week whilst also having space)
He said I was being unreasonable and that I was telling him he couldn't hang out with women. What do you all think? (Also note I'd never once told him he couldn't hang out with women and have never been jealous)

[LesisMiserable]

OP, I'm not going to soft soap you, it sounds like you are easily 50% accountable for the failure of this relationship. Now either you can chalk it up to incompatibility on both sides or you can obsess... this one just wasnt a goer and it was evident very early on but you insisted on flogging that dead horse and ignoring all his pleas for space....learn the lesson and move on positively.

[Trickycat]

I would think he was a player and not committed to the relationship. What he said to make you feel bad just smacks of wanting his cake and eating it.

Try to accept this relationship was not healthy. Take some time to heal and be kind to yourself.

[Ellisandra]

I just think the same as my earlier post OP - stop thinking about him and think about you.

He kissed someone else. You need to work out why you accepted that.