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Was this sexual abuse?(7 Posts)
I can't sleep and I just need to get what I'm thinking written down.
I am in my 20s and over the past few years I have had issues with depression and anxiety which I had counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy for. I found both very helpful and thankfully I am in a much better place now. However, the counselling dragged up some painful experiences from my past, one of them being my first serious relationship when I was 15, with a boy two years older than me.
We were together for three years on and off but it was a very toxic relationship. I fell head over heels for him and all I wanted was for him to love me back, but he was often cruel and kept me at arms length, not contacting me for weeks on end.
When I met him, I was a virgin and very naive when it came to sex and relationships. He seemed very fixated on the fact that I had never had sex before and every time we met up he would instigate sexual contact.
We met through a mutual friend and I remember hanging out with him and her in her bedroom. She went downstairs and he took the opportunity to kiss me. I liked him a lot so I was flattered. However he then proceeded to put his hand in my underwear and his fingers inside my vagina, which made me feel uncomfortable. But I went along with it because I wanted to please him, and I thought that was the normal thing to do with someone you liked. I wish I had been confident enough to say that I didn't want him to do that.
We never officially became boyfriend and girlfriend at this point but the 'relationship' quickly progressed and I lost my virginity to him in the back of his car. It didn't feel like a special moment. There was a lot of blood and I remember him saying 'how does it feel to have popped your cherry?' I don't remember him asking me if it was okay, It wasn't discussed, and I don't remember him asking for consent. But I didn't object because I wanted to make him happy. Part of me felt grown up and I did like him a lot. But looking back I wish I had waited and respected myself more. I had no idea what I was doing. He was significantly more experienced than me sexually, and I felt like his 'project'. I think it was a game to him.
Our sex life became more advanced and he began using sex toys on me, and also filming me performing sex acts on him. Every time I saw him he would want to try something new. He was into 'rough' sex and anal sex. He bought me a vibrator as a birthday present once, tied me up, blindfolded me and used it on me. I remember thinking that I wished we could just 'be' rather than 'do stuff' but I worshipped the ground he walked on so I went along with it. I feel so stupid for doing that. I wish I could turn back the clock and speak up for myself. I wasn't emotionally ready to take that step.
This is all stuff I have not thought about in a very long time, almost 10 years. Currently I am dealing with a situation in my working life that has brought all of it back to me. Before, I had buried it and it pushed it all to the back of my mind.
He was also emotionally abusive. He would keep me at arms length and refuse to say he loved me. He said he was 'fond' of me. I would dress up to try and impress him but he would point out my acne or say something else derogatory to me. I cried so many tears because I never felt like I was good enough. I began self harming and going AWOL from home and school. He regularly texted other girls suggestive and sexual messages. I believe he cheated on me on several occasions although I could never prove it. I was very jealous and used to freak out when he went away. I hated how he made me feel. I was so insecure.
I did manage to summon the strength to finish the relationship on several occasions but as soon as he realised I was moving on, he would text me and I would forgive him.
I want to slap my 17yo self round the face. I had no respect for myself and I don't know why I let him treat me like that. I don't think he thought he was doing anything wrong.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve by posting on here. As I said in the first sentence, I think I just needed to get my thoughts out. They are swirling around in my head.
I have had no contact with him for nearly 10 years but I can still remember the absolute devastation and heartbreak he caused me.
I have low self esteem issues and confidence issues, and I have a problem with overeating. I can pinpoint this beginning during my relationship with him.
I must mention that I have a wonderful boyfriend of nearly five years who is the kindest most considerate person ever. I love him with all my heart and he makes me feel happy and secure.
I don't know why I can't stop thinking about this. Maybe it's because I didn't deal with it properly at the time. Maybe I should have spoken up at the time, to make him stop. I feel like it's my fault that it happened. How was he supposed to know what I was thinking? I think I was scared he would dump me if I refused to do the sex stuff. I was almost under a spell of some sort.
I know this is a long post and I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to listen to me. I'm not sure how to deal with these feelings x
Oh wow I'm so sorry you have been through this and I'm glad you are no longer in contact with him. Yes it does sound like sexual abuse to me. I would advise talking to someone about this, a therapist if you would be comfortable. It sounds like there is a lot on your mind right now,I can't imagine what you went through when you was dating that monster. You sound incredibly strong
Thank you for your kind words Starfairylights. I don't feel strong. But I think you're right about the therapist. I think I need to work through this chapter of my life that I have kept buried for so long. It's still having an effect on my life now, despite ny wonderful boyfriend who has never once made me feel this way. I am very lucky to have him x
You seem strong OP, it's very brave that you are able to talk about is. Hopefully you find the closure you need with a therapist. I'm happy that you've found a partner who treats you the way you should be treated. Good luck
Thank you again for your kind words Starfairylights
I have spoken to my boyfriend about this and he says he will help me get counselling to talk through these issues.
I honestly don't deserve him, he's so supportive. I want to move forward and stop thinking about the past because my present and future is so much brighter.
Thanks for taking the time to read this x
Gosh what a horrible thing to go through and what an incredibly vile deficient man he was (likely still is).
OP to have your worst relationship as your first one... I can't imagine your resilience. Please do go all out with a therapist about it - you say it was ten years ago, well that's ten years of delayed processing you need to have help working through.
What an absolute horror. I can't picture someone so young going through this. I feel rage and sadness for you, cannot comprehend how this will have affected your life - and yet here you are, with a lovely OH and the strength to confront it. It doesn't make you, don't let it hold you to ransom - as horrifying as this abuse was, you survived it. You are stronger than what he threw at you, and you can work through this.
I hope he's dead in a ditch tbh. But let's focus on you, and here's hoping things get so much better A problem shared really is a problem solved, I'll be keeping my fingers and toes crossed that you feel more light spirited and joyful in future years. Am honestly in awe at your strength
Wow Notmyrealname, your post is so lovely, thank you so much for your kind words.
I think the fact it was my first relationship meant I had nothing to compare it to, so I didn't know any different and thought it was 'normal'. I feel so sad for my teenage self.
Thankfully the wonderful man I'm with now has shown me what a normal, stable and loving relationship is. I don't know what I would do without him, he is my rock.
I never realised just how much past events can affect the mind, it's sad it's had such a far reaching effect but I definitely think it's time for me to talk about it to a counsellor and move on from it once and for all.
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