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After hysterical bonding....comes revulsion(8 Posts)
Hi three months ago my partner confessed to an affair. After much soul searching agreed to try again in our relationship. We went through a ' hysterical bonding' stage. Sex every night etc.... But then I saw the other woman while out and about in town and now all I feel is revulsion
I can't stand for him to touch me, knowing where his hands have been. Even a peck on the cheek disgust me. I tried to get past that, but today told him as can't even stand to hold his hand...
Is this just part of the natural progression of emotions after an affair? Anyone else been here? I'd still hope we can make this work. But I don't know how to want him again.
Sounds normal really. It sounds like you had a moment of mad relief that you're still together and then the anger bubbled up.
My ex was controlling and undermining (it was subtle though, you'd never notice from the outside) and occasionally got himself worked up into a screaming lather. We went to Relate to sort it out (I think I wanted to punish him really) and that was very helpful. We didn't stay together but it really helped us communicate and one day during a session it became crystal clear, almost like a bell ringing, that I couldn't trust him again.
Either way, you'd learn a lot about your relationship and each other.
What I don't understand in these situations is the mans behaviour. How can he just go back to sex every night with you when he has just been having sex with someone else. Do they have zero feelings?
I would say it's normal and a long road ahead
It's early days and you will switch one way and the other.
What's important is how your DH responds
Have you read Shirley Glass Not Just Friends? That helped me massively after ExHs affair. It helped me work through it and in my case realise he'd never ended it. In your situation it will hopefully help you stay together, which is what the book is meant to do.
The anger and disgusted stage is normal. What's in your favour is that he confessed to the affair. As long as it wasn't because he was about to be exposed, that's a good sign they he's genuinely sorry.
Have you had couple's therapy?
What has he done to show you that he is remorseful?
Here's something you may find useful.
The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.
Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:
1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.
10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.
13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.
14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.
15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling.
18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.
Oh my god, I am so glad I found this. Like all of you, I thought I was going nuts. It is DDay + four and I have never been so horny...
Since we mutually decided my cheating one would leave, I have not seen him but once shortly since (he has gotten really ill...karma).
But soon I will. And my issue, one of about 100, is we have always had an amazing sex life. Full of passion. In fact, the night before DDay was incredible (thinking back, maybe because I knew I was going to find what I did). And frankly, because I love sex with him so much, and it has been the cornerstone of our intimacy (ironic, isn't it?), I am afraid if I give in, I will fall back in.
By the way, we have been living together almost full time, together a year and he is a serial cheater and most likely a sex addict. I also believe he loves me. And I am the very best thing that ever happened to him. He wants to change, but I doubt he can. The price will be too steep, the loss of what he derives from cheating too difficult.
He wants a "reset." And I am willing to listen. In response, I will ask for his phone to be unlocked and to see it. And I already know what I will see and am ready to end it. Horny or not.
Sorry to read what you're going through.
Sounds hideous. Just wanted to wish you good luck with what you do for the future
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