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Feel sexually violated by my husband, aggression, temper & tantrums.

(17 Posts)
dani1394 Thu 06-Jul-17 13:37:02

Hi there I'm new here ladies. I made this account to try and speak with other woman who might be able to help me out smile. I have been with my DH for 5 years. We have one child together who is 3. I am a stay at home mom, & also take pride in going to the gym 6 days per week & cook, clean ect. My DH works just 5 hours per day self employed. He is a very egocentric, has to have designer clothes, but then moans about money. We have no joint account and I don't want one with him. DH has previously been to prison and vowed to change when I waited for him and kept his legitimate business a float for 5 months whilst travelling to visit him 2-4 times per week. He has not changed. but the real issue is the way he treats me, his aggression and strops. I try quite hard sexually with him because I like him to feel he has a hot wife who takes care of herself. Send him pictures occasionally & get dressed up for him. But sex 1/2/3 times a week 'isn't enough for him' I find myself throughout these times having sex when I don't want to and hoping it will be quick, I think down to his jealous/argumentative ways this puts me of having sex with him. But when he argues about not feeling man enough because I don't give him enough oral sex each week i feel violated by the comments like he is a sexual preditar and it sickens me to hear it. He says it's called 'talking like a man'. I feel so stuck, I have self love for myself and he does not for his self as he doesn't care for himself properly in any walk of life other Than masking that up with designer clothes to make himself feel better. I've ended things and coped before just fine. But I feel very vulnerable right now and at a low place. Would a talk about his behaviour fix this? Somehow I really think not sad

IrritatedUser1960 Thu 06-Jul-17 13:41:25

And why are you with this man? I see no benefits at all.
My soon to be ex husband was like this sexually for almost all of the two decades we were together and it gradually eroded all the things that were fun and good in my life to the point where you just feel like a blow up doll and not a human being.
I wish I'd slung him out after year one and I would not have wasted such a large part of my life and youth. He sounds vile.

IrritatedUser1960 Thu 06-Jul-17 13:42:08

Not even a blow up doll, a wank sock if I'm brutally honest.

thatorchidmoment Thu 06-Jul-17 13:43:45

He sounds utterly vile. You need to leave him. The coerced sex with no regard to your wishes and disrespectful language would be a complete deal breaker for me, and the rest of your post paints a picture of a deeply revolting and self-centred man.

What do you get out of this relationship? And how on earth does he make enough money working five hours a week? He surely has some shady business on the side.

Please walk.

Dieu Thu 06-Jul-17 13:45:14

It won't get any better Dani. Honestly, please do trust us on that.

Tofutti Thu 06-Jul-17 13:45:54

sad no amount of talking will help.

Please leave him.

Dieu Thu 06-Jul-17 13:50:48

Leave, while the love for yourself is still there. Believe me, staying with him and trying in vain to please him, it will gradually erode.

Adora10 Thu 06-Jul-17 14:08:41

Jesus OP, use that self love and get rid, he's highly abusive and stop letting him treat you like a slave, you are not here just for him to use, that's bloody awful.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 06-Jul-17 14:15:27

Oh OP your post made me sad for you (and angry at him!)

You have proved to yourself that you can cope just fine while he was in jail (I dread to think what for). In fact, you did more than cope, you did brilliantly! And you need to do that again and leave this abusive arsehole

Lemonnaise Thu 06-Jul-17 14:46:15

I've been with my DH 5 years, when I don't want to have sex for whatever reason he says "ok, fancy a cuppa?" or something equally boringlovely

Have you ever said no to sex when you don't feel like it? What did he do/say?

dani1394 Fri 07-Jul-17 22:54:46

Hey again ladies sorry for not responding sooner, so amazed by the fact some of you actually even read my question, thank you. Some answers to things you have all asked are,

When I say no to sex and don't feel like it, it creates a moody atmosphere created by him, I can ask him what's wrong, he will never say, but I already know this is why.

The only thing I get out of this relationship is a warped sense of security. As I was with him from a rather young age, I do appreciate the growing up and maturing I have done myself through his wrong doing's, I also appreciate all of the things he's ever done for me, occasionally buys my some flowers, gives me a massage. But prodomenatally he is far to caught up in his quite frankly fragile life of risk to evolve with. I really want security in a relationship that is real, someone who I totally trust. But I think I am scared of not finding that. Although I understand our most important relationship is to be had with ourself, I do find myself feeling fragile alone. Especially because he always seems to reep in the power by weakening me down making me feel out of control of my own feelings. There has been in previous years small physical abuse; but I feel there is an emotional abuse which has really effected me. I would consider seeking help. Tonight he has not came home because I found out a small lie he had told so he see's me being upset and angry over this as a chance to make it even worse for me it seems, by blaming previous things in the past for any of his wrong doing actions to this date. He is manipulating me and I sometimes know it. I only have two friends and to be honest I don't feel they can offer any advice. I feel very stuck and worn down ladies sad

RedRose86 Fri 07-Jul-17 23:11:01

You sound really smart, and believe me, as an outsider looking in it's clear you are the shining star and this man sure as hell doesn't deserve you. Trust yourself, and get out now.

houseinamess Fri 07-Jul-17 23:15:26

Please love yourself enough to get out of this 'relationship'. You can do so much better. The more time goes on the worse it will get.

Changedname3456 Sat 08-Jul-17 09:55:04

I'm struggling to work out where the money is coming from too! You don't work outside the home and he ponces around with a self employed role for a short working day. How's he affording the designer gear?

HeavenlyEyes Sat 08-Jul-17 10:05:08

So you are with an abusive man who was a criminal - you know you need to leave. You have been with him since a young age - I guess he chose you as his victim then. Please contact Women's Aid and do the Freedom Programme too.

AgentProvocateur Sat 08-Jul-17 10:21:26

He sounds vile. You don't sound like you have "self love". You sound like you have chronically low self esteem to put up with a convicted criminal's abusive behaviour. What sort of message are you sending your child? That it's ok for a man to be abusive / woman to be abused. Is that what you want your child to grow up learning?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sat 08-Jul-17 10:26:17

He won't change. You need to make a plan to leave unless you want to put up with this for the rest of your life.

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