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Being cut off by my family over my wedding

(15 Posts)
HopeSpringsEternal2017 Thu 06-Jul-17 12:53:57

I know I should have expected it but it's thrown me completely.

Brief back story growing up my mum was abusive to us physically for myself and my brother and emotionally for myself. I learned early on it was easier to take the blame for my brother's and be hit than to wait for them to own up as we would all have to line up to be hit until someone finally owned up. As the only girl I was constantly told I was useless and only good for looking after my brothers, that I was fat, lazy, ugly and should have been aborted. I regularly got hit by my brothers and if I ever complained I would get told I shouldn't have annoyed them.

As a teenager I attempted to over dose 3 times, each time begging the hospital not to send me home. On the 3rd time they finally listened and I was put in care for 2 years until my mum moved out the borough and I was sent to live with her again. I eventually left home at 18.

I've gotten better at dealing with my mum over the years. Dealing with her passive aggressive and sometimes downright nasty comments and training her that I will walk away the second she starts but she still tries and has a history of spoiling special events for me, it can be stupid things like if I get dressed for a night out she will look at me and say do you want to look in my closest for something nice to wear.

The problem is I am getting married soon and I don't want her at the ceremony. I am feel sick at the idea of her being there. So after discussions my partner and I have decided we will have a registry office do with just our 3 children there as witnesses followed by a reception for all friends and family to celebrate. As you can imagine my mum has lost her shit. I have managed to ignore all the PA stuff she''s be doing but I allowed everyone else's horror at my mum not being at the ceremony to make me feel guilty (I'm a people pleaser ) and so have booked a blessing in our local church after the ceremony to which all can come but that has inflamed mum even more and she took enormous pleasure informing me at the weekend that non of my family are coming to any part of my wedding because they are so disgusted with the way I am treating her.

My family are also now pulling out of pre made plans that have nothing to do with the wedding even though I am making a point of not discussing it with any of them. At the end of the day they are protecting and defending there mum but I have to say I'm finding it so bloody painful right now I want to call the whole thing off.

Finola1step Thu 06-Jul-17 12:58:21

Go ahead with your plans. Small wedding just for you, DP and your dc. This is your family. Time to let go of your birth family. And have the celebration you want not what they want.

Justhadmyhaircut Thu 06-Jul-17 12:59:07

Take this as the time to start your life afresh with your dh and leave the nasty fuckers to get on with it. .
Decide right now the only people you need to please are yourself and your partner. .
I have been nc with my dm for 16 years and life is truly blissful.

0ccamsRazor Thu 06-Jul-17 13:10:33

Oh Op, I am so sorry (((hug)))

The abuse from your mother is not your fault, it is doubly sad for you as it not just your toxic mother, but also the flying monkeys that are your extended family.

You can not reason with the unreasonable.

For your emotional, mental health and the safety of your dc, really the only possible move with regards to your mother is to go no contact. This will be hard for you as you are conditioned to be a people pleaser and will feel the fog (fear, obligation, guilt). Some longer term counselling for abuse survivors may help you to de-programe, build bounderies and find a place of personal balance.

With regards to the wider family, well they are manipulated to do your mothers dirty work and bring you in line, hence the term flying monkeys. Going no contact with them may be the only way to ensure your emotional safety, if you can not do this at this stage of your life then going low contact and being a 'grey rock' may help. Grey rock means to be uninteresting, bland, non-descript, sticking to banal subjects such as the weather and being boring.

Have a look at the 'stately home threads' there is much information and support for people such as yourself in similar toxic family dynamics.

Remember, your wedding your rules.

GreenTulips Thu 06-Jul-17 13:15:49

Then take pleasure in knowing that you tried and ultimately you didn't want them there anyway

I think you are more annoyed at yourself for attempting again to do the right thing - and it back fired (personally I think you were right not to invite them at all)

redexpat Thu 06-Jul-17 15:25:07

Oh well. Apeasing her doesnt work does it? So dont bother. She will always find a stick to beat you with no matter what you do or dont do. She wont look after you so you have to.

Aussiebean Thu 06-Jul-17 15:32:20

I don't think they are protecting her. I think they are protecting themselves.

You had the audacity to not do what she wants and they are aware that without you to bully then they are next.

They are protecting themselves from her abuse and want you to step back in line so they are free.

Fuck em. Have a beautiful, stress free and loving wedding and enjoy the freedom from such horrible people

ginnystonic Thu 06-Jul-17 15:33:35

Your birth family have no right to be there on your special day. It's time to cut ties with them.

Why don't you take the kids and elope in secret, have a wonderful wedding day and make some special memories in secret. You can tell them all after it's happened.

Your 'DM' is using your wedding as a tool to try to show he power over you and the family. It's time to show her she's powerless.

ohfourfoxache Thu 06-Jul-17 15:35:48

Stay strong.

The thought of her being there's sickens you? Then this is a good thing. Stick to your guns and have a wonderful, stress free day.

Don't engage with the shit, it's not worth it

LastOneDancing Thu 06-Jul-17 15:38:08

Oh OP that sounds so awful.

I really hope you go on have your small private ceremony with the people who love you and who you love best, and I hope it's wonderful flowers

CosmoClock Thu 06-Jul-17 15:38:20

She abusive to you and she is not sorry!? I think you should go ahead with your plans exactly as you want. Do not think of her on your wedding day. In fact tell her that it's been cancelled so that you're not thinking of her thinking badly of you on the day itself. Then after you're married tell her you did it.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 06-Jul-17 15:39:01

It may be painful now, in the moment. But think about it and let yourself develop authentic feelings. It may be overwhelming relief.

Wanting the family at your wedding? Careful what you wish for: you are on that page already. The fallout from others is just peripheral, secondary consequences and very much worth the price of your mental health.

You set a fantastic boundary. Don't waiver now just because the mean ones are having a festival with their response. They will get bored soon enough (Grey Rock is right) and move on to someone else for their entertainment. (And that is what it is, entertainment. That is about them, not you.) Or if they don't and keep you in reserve forever, so what? You don't need to know about it, or participate in it, or even defend yourself. Stop caring what they think.

Congratulations! flowers

HopeSpringsEternal2017 Thu 06-Jul-17 18:52:32

Thanks all, I was so upset when typing that it felt good to vent. I did think about cancelling everything and just getting married in secret but my partners family and our friends wold be disappointed. So we will go ahead with the wedding planned and my family will come or not.

The only thing that stops me going nc with them all is my nieces and nephews who I love to bit.

Redken24 Thu 06-Jul-17 19:01:14

Honestly - you will have a better day knowing that they aren't there. Or waiting for your mum to do something. I speak from experience!

Beelzebop Thu 06-Jul-17 19:07:04

The way you have been treated by your birth family gives you every right to ignore them from now on. Have a wonderful wedding day x.

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