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Not sure if I love him anymore

(29 Posts)
Butterfly2802 Wed 05-Jul-17 17:31:12

I'm really not sure what I'm hoping to achieve with this post. Perhaps just by writing it all out I'll gain some clarity on the situation and as a bonus I'll get some excellent advice from fellow mns.
I've been with DH for 11 years, married for 10. We have 3 children together, all under the age of 7 years old. He's a good man - reliable, honest, hardworking, a good father, a loving husband. He's also a fair bit older than me, overweight, balding and slowing down in life. I loved him so much when we married, I really did. I wanted, and still do want, to spend the rest of my life with him but my feelings are changing and that terrifies me. I still love him and respect him, but I'm not sure I'm in love with him anymore. These days I find him intensely annoying and grumpy, he's never really been a great conversationalist or the life and soul. On a bad day I find him to be boring, joyless and selfish and I consider how my life would be if he was no longer part of it.
On a good day I realise how lucky I am to have a kind, caring, trustworthy, solid man to share my life with. I think I'm a nutshell I just want to feel how I used to feel about him but i feel like that's gone now. How do I get it back? Can I?

AmyJessicax26 Wed 05-Jul-17 17:38:09

Honestly its all down to you , you cant force yourself to feel a certain way about someone and you cant just stay with someone when your clearly unhappy because your married , sometimes you need to think of whats best for you ? do you really want to get it back ? or is the age thing starting to catch up ? the decisionnis yours completly regardless what any of us have to say on here you just need to do whats best for you . once your a mum it does become about the children yes , but dont make yourself resent them subconciously , Good Luck

BadHatter Wed 05-Jul-17 17:42:21

Does your husband know how you feel about him now?

Butterfly2802 Wed 05-Jul-17 17:54:12

I have told him how I feel, on a number of occasions, but I'm not sure that he takes me seriously. I think that he's complacent enough to believe that I'm just being a bit hormonal or looking for an argument just to break up an otherwise ordinary day.

NC4now Wed 05-Jul-17 18:45:40

You poor thing. I'm in a very similar situation and don't know how to advise you, so I'll leave these flowers here and hope someone comes along with some words of wisdom.

ThatsNotMyMarmot Wed 05-Jul-17 18:55:51

I think you should perhaps set a time -say three months time and if you still feel the same way, make plans to separate. Growing old with someone you don't like must be all sorts of hell and an awful lot of women do it because they have no money of their own so the latest statistics tell us sad
Go with your gut. If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 05-Jul-17 19:00:43

Life isn't perfect - the grass is greener where you water it.

After 11 years I don't think it's harsh to have gripes with your oh - he may well be selfish - is it a deal breaker - or can it be fixed? What way is he selfish?

Fact is you can go be with someone else and 11 years in you will have discovered a few unappealing aspects to their character too

I would say see a therapist for such a big decision

Butterfly2802 Wed 05-Jul-17 19:18:35

For every fault he has I can think of ten qualities that I should be thankful for.
The thing that irks me about him the most is his ever expanding waistline which he is totally in denial about. He strides around naked with all the confidence of Adonis, looking like Bubbles Devere. It's really affected our sex life and the way I feel about him but he seems unable to do anything about it.
He's a bit self absorbed sometimes. He chats to me about things like football and formula one and other things that he enjoys, but these conversations just make me angry nowadays. He has accused me of not allowing him to have any interests and I suppose he's right. His interests piss me off sadFrom the loud shit music to listens to, to the massive camera he always has dangling off his neck whenever we take the kids anywhere. His breathing and chewing makes me want to kill him.
BUT, I miss him when he's at work. I look forward to the time we have together twice a week, when we get the kids to bed and kick back with a bottle of wine or two and watch crap on tv together. When I have a crisis in my life it's always him I turn to and who holds me when I cry (sorry, too schmaltzy) so why do I find him so reprehensible?

Hermonie2016 Wed 05-Jul-17 19:50:41

How old are you both? Weight gain can be an issue in a relationship as its not just attractiveness but suggestive of him giving up..if you are much younger then it might just be a mismatch that you can both compromise on.

I think your final statements are worth holding onto as having a partner in your corner shouldn't be taken for granted.

Butterfly2802 Wed 05-Jul-17 20:38:04

I think that if he lost weight it would be much easier to rekindle the flame from my perspective. I've been trying to cajole him in to losing weight for about 4 years now and he's lost nothing, just steadily piled on the pounds. He even purchased a very expensive bike and slick tyres, all the gear to go with it, bike rack etc about 18 months ago. I thought this might be the turning point for him, but nope. He rode it round the block a few times and since then it's sat in the garage gathering dust.
I said to him at New Year that I was struggling to see him as someone I wanted to jump in to bed with now he's so big. He promised me that he would lose weight 'you'll see' he said. 'This is the start of a new me'. It lasted about 20 minutes. I feel that he doesn't care and he doesn't respect my wishes on this. He doesn't seem to be bothered that I'm not in to the sex like I used to be. He's having fun, so that's all that matters. 😞
I think this is the moment I realised the crux of the problem is his weight.

Butterfly2802 Wed 05-Jul-17 20:39:01

He's approaching 50, I'm mid 30's.

NC4now Wed 05-Jul-17 21:19:55

Do you have fun together? Can you still turn to him when you need a hand or some support? And does he give it?

SandyY2K Wed 05-Jul-17 21:32:47

If you didn't have sex would it bother him? Loosing weight isn't easy, but strangely enough, I'm sure if you left him, he'd soon loose the weight.

It does sound like you are irritated by a lot of what he does.... Which stem from the weight gain.

Do you still enjoy intimacy with him? Is he /was he a good lover who ensures you enjoy it?

I recommend that you have counselling to navigate your feelings.

Vanillaisboring666 Wed 05-Jul-17 21:38:48

Maybe help him with weightloss by joining a gym together or bike ride with him etc ? Offer to cook him healthy meals whilst he tends to kids etc or if he likes cooking encourage him to make healthy choices . As a family get on board and support him by everyone joining in with family walks and eating the same healthy food etc ??would this be an option ? Also he coukd be depressed which causes lack of motivation for exercise amd weight gain ?

user1499288566 Wed 05-Jul-17 22:14:05

Iv been mixed up for some time , I have a 4 year old I'm with the dad he works away we never set up home together due to a terrible rocky start, in the end I went ahead and sorted my own place for sacurity, long story short he has never really been out picture he stays weekends tells me he will save for a place but then is silly with money , he has no clue what it takes to run a place and be a parent just don't no what to do any more feel like I'm going no where n lost faith

mrssapphirebright Wed 05-Jul-17 22:23:50

This was me 10 years ago op. Same age gap, same feelings, same issues. In fact I could've written your post word to word.

I spent three years feeling like this. Ended up falling for an old friend and knew I had to leave exh. It was painful, the hardest decision of my life. I still miss him sometimes. But I never really looked back. Been happily married to now dh (the old friend) for 6 years and can honestly say I've never been happier.

I would definitely suggest some counselling to work through your feelings. If you can get your dh to go to couples counselling too even better.

Best to try and make it work. When you've tried then you will know when and if it is time to give up.

Butterfly2802 Wed 05-Jul-17 22:53:20

Our sex life used to be exciting and fun. Just a couple of years ago it was still flourishing, but now it's gone a bit flat to be hHe still tries to initiate sex a couple of times a week but I can't get in to it and usually just brush him off. If we do have sex it's because I feel I should give it to him to keep him satisfied. Weirdly, once we're off I love it though.

Butterfly2802 Wed 05-Jul-17 22:54:48

Whoops. Hit post too soon.
Yes, it's all gone a bit shit. I know it sounds awful and uncaring but I just don't want to shag a fatty.

Stripesandsprinkles Thu 06-Jul-17 16:12:09

You just don't want to shag a fatty? Wow if half the woman on mums net read a post about a woman who had seen her husband writing online about not wanting "to shag a fatty" ie her, she would be told to get rid of him! Yes you can be finding your husband less attractive that's not a crime but to talk about him like that I think is disgusting

dogfish1 Thu 06-Jul-17 17:03:26

Not wanting to shag a fatty is quite understandable, I wouldn't either. In fact, make that couldn't (am a bloke). Tell him you want the old him back. Unless obtuse he must understand that courtship is a continuing process and mystique has to be cultivated. He's become too comfortable for his own good.

Butterfly2802 Fri 07-Jul-17 08:42:41

Stripes I wouldn't expect someone to have sex with me if I didn't make the effort to be attractive physically to them. Men judge women on their looks and talk about them like they're pieces of meat every day. I don't see why it can't work both ways.

Onedayoneday Fri 07-Jul-17 08:51:27

Saying you don't want to 'shag a fatty' is very harsh and quite cruel. It does sound like you find him so unattractive and irritating that there might be no coming back. I agree with a pp re giving it a few more months and perhaps have a lay your cards on the table chat with him so he knows the relationship is on the line,

PoorYorick Fri 07-Jul-17 08:52:12

but I just don't want to shag a fatty.

I get the sentiment, as I'm not attracted to overweight people either, but this was an unkind way of putting it. It makes me wonder whether there's some mutual snipping or disrespect going on here. People overeat because they are unhappy or feel bad about themselves. And if he's getting 'don't want to shag a fatty' vibes from you, he'll feel even worse and carry on the self neglect.

You do seem to appreciate a lot of good points in him and you also say that you enjoy sex once it's underway. So I wonder if couples counselling is the way to go here. The irritation and so on might be two way. An impartial professional could perhaps help you to see each other's perspectives and understand what could be done to make things better.

As a PP said, if you try and it doesn't work, well, you can move on knowing you gave it all you could. But this marriage really does sound like it's worth trying to save. You say yourself his weight is the crux of it, and weight can be changed...

Butterfly2802 Fri 07-Jul-17 20:46:17

I don't think he's unhappy or depressed. He has always appeared to me to be a sort of happy go lucky type. He also has an extraordinarily thick skin - something which has helped him climb the ranks in his job. He gets quite a lot of abuse at work and deals with stressed people every day, and it all seems to roll over him like water off a duck's back. I have asked him how he feels about his life in general and he says that he feels very lucky and is happy with his lot.
Forgive me, but I do feel rather unkind towards him right now so I'm fine with you thinking I've chosen cruel words. This is an otherwise good marriage that's being ruined by someone being too lazy and complacent to drop a couple of stone.

PurplePeppers Fri 07-Jul-17 20:53:38

The annoyance you are describing seems to be much more than just about his weight though.
If him being overweight doesn't work you, I imagine that the first thing that would be an issue is your sex life.
But what you've described first is much much more than that. Its about being annoyed at every title thing about him that isn't quite as you would like it to be.

I suspect that if he was losing that weight, it might make a difference for a bit and then you would be right back to the same place.

I would suggest that rather you are starting to be in different places in life. He is slowly donw when you feel you still have your whole life in front of you.

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