Hi all,
I'm feeling at a bit of a loss at the moment, and I'm not sure how to carry on!
I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 6 years, and we have children aged 4 years and 18 months.
We have had problems for many years (he was financially and emotionally abusive, alongside a lot of problems after our eldest was born and he was both unsupportive and cruel - telling me that it was my fault that she had issues). Our 18 month old was conceived in the aftermath of a miscarriage when he'd been making some changes. We've always had a meagre sex life, for want of a better word, and we haven't had sex since our youngest was conceived - so over two years now.
I reached a point with him three years ago when I told him that I was desperately unhappy and he made me feel like I was the most awful person ever for bringing it up - I agreed to a six month trial against my better instincts and then fell pregnant during the singular time that we had sex - it had taken us two years with our eldest so was a big surprise - miscarried, he was then fairly supportive (very much out of character, without being horrible) and I naively thought that things had changed, hence I was pregnant again fairly quickly and we bought a house in the aftermath.
I'm at the point now where there have been some big watershed moments and the scales have truly fallen from my eyes again, and I know that his poor behaviour is cyclical, when he puts in a lot of effort, enough to reel me back in, and then creeps back up. He is not as financially controlling as he once was but there are still certain behaviours there. He is also not supportive at all of my job - I work two long shifts a week in a challenging and professional role - and has scuppered some enhancement opportunities, although he denies that this is intentional. The main thing is that he will always put himself first rather than the kids - e.g. Will not offer them lunch before himself, or if he doesn't eat will just let them raid cupboards and snack rather than offering food. Lots of examples, I don't want to drip feed later on but there are numerous issues!
For info, I am inclined to be a people pleaser, although over the last year I have made efforts to rein this in!
A couple of days ago we talked and I said that things had slipped back and that I was very unhappy, that I did not know how to fix them (suggested counselling last time but he declined), and that I am still fond of him but not in love (I know many on MN would deem it suspicious - definitely no other man!). He cried, as is usual, and I told him that we needed to have a good think about things (as I wanted him to take it on board) but that I felt our relationship was coming to an end and that divorce would be on the cards. I was gentle, and kind, but I thought that I was firm...!
Basically, since then, he has completely ignored what I've said - calling me 'darling', touching me when I pass, talking about things that he wants to buy me for Christmas and things he wants us to do to the house in the next couple of years. He has never been physically violent at all, but this behaviour makes me feel incredibly uneasy - he wants me to just knock my daft thoughts on the head and slip back into my familiar role.
I am tired of this, tired of mothering another adult except for when he wants to control. I wanted to stick it out until early next year as I thought that it might be a little easier with childcare as I would currently have little cover available if he became difficult. After our talk I thought that it would expedite the process and I was a little fearful, mostly thankful from an emotional perspective, yet here we are.
Has anyone else ever been in this situation, and how did you handle it?
Many thanks!
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Had a talk, but it's like it's gone right over his head?
WotcherHarry · 04/07/2017 19:45
I know that his poor behaviour is cyclical, when he puts in a lot of effort, enough to reel me back in, and then creeps back up.
There it is.
You know what that is OP. That behaviour is the total destruction of your self esteem and so you doubt yourself. Don't.
Keep going. I know it's hard, but it sounds as if you are keeping a clear head and doing well.
Good luck. Thinking of you.
Well done for making plans , keep focused and don't fall into the trap of setting a 'when dc starts school or when I save more money' date to split.
Thank you all again for your responses, it is so helpful to read other people's perspectives and consolidates how I am feeling.
aye I don't know, to be honest - his mum and dad have an unequal relationship with money and she had to ask for money before she got her pension. We have a joint account but separate savings. If ever we run a bit short for the month he always asks me to put money in and says that he doesn't have anything. I found out recently when doing the recycling that he had £700 in his savings when I had just spent the last of mine on a new front door!
I definitely agree that I need not to get sucked in further, which was why I had the plan to go early next year - I'd hoped that it would address both the physical and financial aspect of childcare and also give time to sort out finances a little - but my self esteem is so low, but lower than the front for my job would have anyone realise, that it will be an imminent thing.
He is good at turning into a victim if I try to talk about anything. The last time we had a crisis a few years ago he was saying that it was all unexpected, I said that I felt that it was incredibly obvious how things had changed and he said 'I thought that if I ignored it then it would go away.' 
recently, he said that an admin assistant at his workplace had been rude to him and then said 'this always happens to me, I always get picked on' and I couldn't believe it - it was the kind of thing that a teenager would say. Lots of examples but I don't want to bore anyone!
I want to try to stop thinking about how he feels about it, as the whole dynamic would not be healthy for my children as they grow and I also deserve to be happy - so does he, but not at my expense! I feel a lot of guilt at causing others pain - but it would cause pain to my children eventually and that is my mental life raft that I cling to, I have tried to explain to him that they do not need us to model a dysfunctional relationship but his thoughts are of himself. Not going to engage with him on this any more!
Sorry for long winded replies, it's surprisingly helpful to keep my head clear!
He's just left to go out (I have had to push him a bit as he's been stifling me, physically just hanging around and being very very close, even when I want a shower, then looking like a whipped puppy if I say 'I'll be down in ten minutes' as a hint to leave. He has a week off this week and it's my stepdad's birthday, so he wants to come out for lunch with us. He said 'I might come back after I've done this', I said that we had agreed that we would meet there as I may want to take the kids out before lunch time. He wanted to know where I was going so I said that I didn't know, but that we'd agreed to meet there so that I wasn't stuck inside. He then asked why I was quiet 'this morning', fuck's sake, I said that I still felt exactly the same way as a few days ago and that it didn't just go away by ignoring the issues and stifling me, which felt horrible to say but I did it. I told him that he needed to get his head around what I had said. Couldn't say too much more as in front of kids. It feels controlling.
He is very good at looking completely shocked and hurt even though I know that we had this conversation a couple of days ago and I have not changed my behaviour since then. I am not out to deliberately hurt but his behaviour is infuriating me, he is good at being manipulative and I need to remember that is what he is doing as none of this has come as a surprise!
Feeling frustrating by him even coming to the lunch to be honest but I don't want to ostracise him from the kids.
Thanks for letting me offload!
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