Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Going through hell

(14 Posts)
user1499142726 Tue 04-Jul-17 06:03:44

Hi. I'm really new to this but I didn't know where to turn. I'm recently separated and my ex seems intent on doing everything to ruin my life. Really vicious lawyers, accusations which are untrue, no access to my children, excluded from my home and claiming assets which don't belong to her. We were not even married. I moved out to give us some space and it looks like it was exactly what she wanted. I then found out she had frozen bank accounts weeks before and not said anything. It now seems that she had been planning for a break up for some time. As far as I'm aware there is no one else involved.

I'm at my wits end as they were my whole life and I couldn't have done enough for them but our relationship was not in a good place and all I wanted was to spend time with my children but my ex saw them as hers and not ours. For the last six months even when I was at home she went out all the time so I hardly saw them. I ended up suggesting a temporary split because I thought it might be the only way to reset things and have a relationship with my children as my ex was so possessive with them.

I've now not seen my children, under 5, for a couple of months and it looks unlikely I'm not going to see them until we go through court proceedings which I gather may take another 3 months. Even them I'm frightened that she will make up more stuff or poison our children against me so I never have a relationship with them.

She seems intent on trying to exclude me from my own life and taking everything from me. I'm trying to act with integrity but it appears that her lies and dirty tricks work better. I've never been so upset or so low in my life and am starting to wonder what the point is. I cannot get over how someone I cared about for so many years could do this without any compassion at all or has no intention of me ever seeing my children. We'd always agreed that if our relationship got to this point we would treat each other well and make sure we were both okay. It seems like that was another lie and all she wants is everything, for me to pay for it all in the future but to ensure that I have no life. I feel so stupid and naive.

It feels like my life is over and I just can't see a way forward. Is there any hope?

Unsurewhattod0 Tue 04-Jul-17 06:11:47

Must be very hard to deal with the loss and betrayal, didn't want to read and run, keep your chin up and try and push forward. Us guys often get a very raw deal in separation and it's not generally aknowledged that there is a huge amount of bias against father's out there. Not much advice I can give really, I'm in the process of separation myself but luckily it's very amicable. I can't even imagine how I'd cope if it went nuclear. Stay strong brother.

Guitargirl Tue 04-Jul-17 06:25:05

It must be very painful when someone you once loved and who presumably loved you treats you with such contempt.

And it's such a fine line between keeping your dignity and not stooping to her level and also not allowing yourself to be walked over.

The court will be able to decide on access, she can't just stop you from seeing your children unless there are welfare concerns. What is it that she is accusing you of? Would that come under a welfare concern? Are you happy with your solicitor? If not, find another one. Throw as much money at this as you can afford. I don't know enough about the legal side of things but another poster may be able to advise on how you can have access to your children more quickly than having to wait for a court date.

user1499142726 Tue 04-Jul-17 06:47:55

Thank you. She's claiming emotional abuse to her which is just wrong. I loved them and couldn't do enough for them. I had to work away a lot and even calling home to see how they were and what they were up to (to at least feel part of the family) is now being used against me as 'controlling'. I'm not perfect and I know that but I can't see what I did to deserve this treatment. It's just truly awful and all I can see is more and more pain for months on end, horrible lies and watching my life fall apart.

ThatsNotMyMarmot Tue 04-Jul-17 08:30:00

"even calling home to see how they are and what they're up to"
confused A basic requirement of someone that cares surely ?

ThatsNotMyMarmot Tue 04-Jul-17 08:31:17

Sorry - misread it - my fault - as you were.

user1471464232 Tue 04-Jul-17 10:18:59

My mum has been emotionally abusive over the years. She would swear blind that she isn't. I don't think she realises how toxic her behaviour can be - and she genuinely believes that everything she does is out of love. It could be suffocating and made my life utterly miserable at times. She is a brilliant mother about 80% of the time, but the other 20% is hard to swallow. If I cut her off, she would be absolutely baffled.
Your partner has behaved in a very extreme fashion....maybe she is bonkers, or maybe what she is saying is genuine.
My advice would be that you offer to go to counselling with her to try and understand why she feels the way she does and what part - if any - you play in that.
If you have been an innocent party in all this, then I apologise and I hope you get a resolution soon.

bonjourbear Tue 04-Jul-17 11:52:56

Allegations of abuse are rarely fabricated. Apologies if this is one of those rare cases – they do happen – but I would look at your own track record very carefully before dismissing what she’s said. Abusers feel entitled to behave as they do, which is why many of them pass out with horror when you actually name their behaviour. A good place to start is with your exes. Are you on good terms with any of them? What would they say about you? Have you ever heard this – or anything like this – from anyone before? Why did your previous relationships break up? Lots of women don’t know they’re being abused, so I suppose it isn’t a massive leap to think that there may be men out there who aren’t aware that their behaviour is abusive. Have the lawyers given any specific examples of abuse, other than your phone calls home?

LesisMiserable Tue 04-Jul-17 14:57:28

Allegations of abuse are often fabricated!! Particularly by lawyers trying to secure the biggest slice for their clients (and thus themselves). Divorcing Women are in my opinion the most creative at reframing non-working relationships as abusive when financial incentives are involved.

AddictedToDrPepper Tue 04-Jul-17 15:17:21

Sorry didn't want to read and run but on the way out the door in a sec.

Sounds like an absolutely awful situation for you, she sounds like a nasty manipulative bitch through and through. Hang in there, ignore folk who say that allegations of abuse are rarely fabricated as anyone who has been in your situation knows damn fine that's not true. Will post more later flowers

bonjourbear Tue 04-Jul-17 16:06:15

Women don’t get more money in divorce settlements because they’ve been abused, or cheated on. The courts will look at whether they’ve got children, whether the woman has given up her career to raise those children, how long the couple has been together etc, etc. Also, OP has said he isn’t divorcing. He’s not married. So where’s the financial incentive?

And I didn’t say the woman absolutely, definitely hasn’t made it up. I just think accusations of emotional abuse deserve a long look. It’s not as clear cut as physical abuse – a slap is a slap, after all – and I do think it’s feasible you could behave in an emotionally abusive way and not be aware of it. See PP’s mother, above.

Of course it’s a rotten thing to accuse someone of, if they haven’t done it. But it’s also quite a difficult call to make, based on this one post, which is light on the details of their actual relationship and her grievances.

wherearemymarbles Tue 04-Jul-17 16:11:17

Bonjour, you clearly weren't around mid 80's early 90's when it was de rigueur. got the man out of house and zero contact with his kids until it went to court.

Some women do unfortunately view thier kids as soley theirs and i think you need to accept she will always make contact difficult. You just have to pick your battles and get decent lawyers who will cut through the crap.

LesisMiserable Tue 04-Jul-17 17:34:13

This is about financial abuse amongst other forms.- physical abuse was never mentioned.

Worrynot1 Thu 06-Jul-17 08:19:03

Best form of defence is attack, if you are joint tenants move back in and refuse to move out. You have parental responsibility for you children so access should not be a problem pick them up from school. My experience with a situation like this is to not have any emotion and look after the kids first and you second. Incidentally don't raise your voice and don't even look at her in a cross way the law is totally stacked against you. I lost most of the house and my equity tied in until youngest is 18, there was a point where I could have stopped paying the mortgage and in fairness I would have been left in a better position but I wanted the kids to have a roof over their head. Also identify where all the money and debt is start cancelling joint credit cards and bank accounts if still open.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: