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WWYD? DS being bullied by exDH's step-son

(15 Posts)
Greypaw Mon 03-Jul-17 19:29:43

DS, 6, has regular weekend contact with his dad. His dad lives with his gf who has two children, the oldest of whom is 10.

DS keeps coming home saying he has been hurt by the eldest boy (kicked, pushed, shoved, thumped, thrown around, called names etc). It seems this happens every time there is contact. I've tried to tackle with my ex, but he always brushes it off ("it was nothing, DS winds him up" etc).

I recently took him to the doctor because he was hurt during the last of these incidents. The doctor has reported the situation to social services and would prefer contact to stop until it's been investigated.

My ex is very angry about this and states that contact will continue as before, and has threatened to take me to court. He says I have no control over his access to the children so I have no choice.

Does anyone know how long it takes social services to get in touch after a referral? I'm worried that refusing contact could go against me in court, but then I think that allowing contact to continue could be negligent. Anyone else been in this situation?

Greypaw Mon 03-Jul-17 19:31:09

To clarify, we currently don't have a court order for contact, it's all arranged informally.

Justhadmyhaircut Mon 03-Jul-17 19:31:45

Let him take you to court and see him try and justify why he is letting his own child be assaulted in a regular basis. .
Ignore ignore ignore. .
Let Ss do their job and see him in court.
You do have control over protecting your dc.

AnyFucker Mon 03-Jul-17 19:33:42

I would not allow my son to go to your ex's house if he cannot protect him

You are doing the right thing and well done for getting it documented with a professional

Greypaw Mon 03-Jul-17 19:35:57

Thanks @Just. I imagine he'll say his step-son is defending himself, but it's not what I've heard from DS, from DD who is there while it is going on, or DS's grandparents who have witnessed the behaviour. It's hard when I'm not there to see it myself, but I know what DS is like with other children, and he's just not physical like that.

Greypaw Mon 03-Jul-17 19:38:54

Thanks too, @AnyFucker. I've a feeling ex-DH will portray me as mentally unstable and overreacting and I think any judge will believe him. I'm very nervous but as the doctor said, it can't continue in case worse happens. I don't want to be negligent when it comes to their welfare, but equally I'm worried a judge will allow unsupervised contact and I won't be able to protect them anymore.

Northernparent68 Mon 03-Jul-17 19:52:16

Would it help if you offer access to the children at your house or their grandparents ?

Starlighter Mon 03-Jul-17 19:52:58

Your poor ds. sad

I think you're doing all the right things. Make a note of everything too, keep it for evidence. Could you maybe phone SS and ask them what to do in the meantime, before the referral? Would your ex consider meeting ds on neutral ground seat away step son? Ask him over text/email so you have evidence of trying to maintain contact.

I hope you get it sorted soon flowers

Justhadmyhaircut Mon 03-Jul-17 19:57:56

At the op house? Nay bloody way!!
Let him go down the court route - judges are very good at seeing through lying bastards.
And your dc will have a chance to be heard.

Greypaw Mon 03-Jul-17 19:58:41

A while ago, after a particular incident which made me concerned about supervision, I requested for contact to take place at their grandparents (exDH's DPs). He declined, said he'd supervise better in future, and so contact continued.

When we were together I reported him to the police for DV and the police did nothing. I just have this feeling we'll go to court and the same thing will happen, and I won't be able to protect my children from whatever happens to them there.

Greypaw Mon 03-Jul-17 20:00:02

Yeah, he can't come to my house as he has a history of putting key loggers on my devices, and a few years ago the police suggested that letting him into my house to see the children would give him "mixed messages" about us.

AnyFucker Mon 03-Jul-17 20:07:35

Your doctor believed you

A judge will too

inkydinky Mon 03-Jul-17 20:32:34

Your poor boy. That is dreadful. I would certainly stop contact as the GP advises. He has a documented injury. A judge cannot ignore that. He or she may question in the future why you allowed contact to continue if you do nothing now but have cause to raise further concerns via court.

Greypaw Mon 03-Jul-17 21:14:39

I hope so, @inkydinky. It's strange, I'm confident and assertive when it comes to anyone else, but with exDH I just feel immediately unsure, afraid and gaslighted. Awful.

inkydinky Mon 03-Jul-17 21:20:36

I feel pretty similar about mine. He wasn't abusive when we were married but conflict now happens over every minor thing and escalates so quickly. Especially when it's to do with his "new family" hmm I find myself second guessing myself all the time. And tying myself in knots not to look unreasonable (clearly he doesn't do the same). Have faith that you are doing the right thing for your son. Whatever storm it causes from your ex.

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