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The EA script...(33 Posts)
Inspired by another thread can you post examples of the above...
Common themes I have experienced are;
Attacks on appearance - you dress too provocatively/you are too conservative
You only wear so much make up because you are insecure
You're too fat or too thin
Attacks on support networks -
Why are you friends with x? They take advantage of you/I don't like them etc
I find ea people can't get their head around loyalty - a v close friend left her husband for another man - both exes cannot fathom why I haven't ditched her and sided with the husband. Friendship is so much more complex than that and can't be simplified to taking sides. And I did support the husband as well as the wife.
Attacks on your parenting -
Apparently I spoil dd1 and ignore dd2. Only exp thought that. No one else. They are both cherished and indulged. If exp thought he saw any favouritism he would challenge me on the spot. Exp also bullied dd1
Attacks on your job and skills to do it
- I don't know how you cope/colleagues can tolerate you....
I could go on what are your experiences?
How long is a piece of string the list is endless, but the basis is always to bring you down and question yourself.
Illness. Whatever I had, he had it worse, except for when he was off to the pub of course. Me and the DC had noro, he was sat on the sofa moaning about how sick he felt but ordered a takeaway!
I got diagnosed with something life altering, he had sciatica (undiagnosed except for dr google) and couldn't move from the sofa.
God forbid he wasn't centre of attention at all times!
I was diagnosed with cancer, he couldn't stand not being able to compete so he cut his arm and took time off work!
"It's just a joke" any time they say something really hurtful (and unfunny).
I was once instructed: "don't tell my friends that your name is alpaca, because I told them you're fit". Apparently that's a funny joke.
Mindgames and bizarre lies.
My ex went to sleep with another girl and told me that he had gone to help his friend hide a body. He pretended to cry but when I made him look at me there were no tears. When I told him I'd seen the messages he admitted he had made up the entire thing about taking his friend's wife's lover hostage and murdering him.
There are many more examples!
Despite working full time, my house is always clean and tidy (even when I had small children) He would look around as if to inspect and then wipe his hand over the top of a 6ft bookcase and say 'You missed a bit!' I'm 5ft2!
Putting me down in front of everyone.
Reinventing the past - He never could keep any friends (funnily enough!) and I've since been told that he's telling the latest group he's met (he's apparently found God despite previously being a massive athiest!) that he divorced me (I divorced him!) because I was abusive and shouted and swore at him. I did towards the end but it was after I snapped after years of putting up with his shit and constant cheating! He told our oldest DD that he has now met a real woman who treats him properly. They don't live together yet, let's just say she'll be in for a shock when they do! He can't keep up the act for long!
The not keeping friends or not having any ever isa lesson I keep learning!
Yes as well as it never being his fault that he's fallen out with them!
Again, he had no friends. People tried but they were always putting him down or judging him.
Sulking for days on end, about nothing. I could go out with the children and he'd be pissed off because I dared to go out.
Never, ever knowing what sort of mood he was going to wake up in.
Playing loud music in the night and moaning if I complained.
Waking me up every single night.
God the waking me up was exh - exp hadn't cottoned on to that yet. Exh would try anything to prevent me sleeping
Constant muttered criticism and OTT reactions eg getting very angry because a pair of socks weren't put away "correctly". Yet conversely not holding himself to the same standards e.g redoing the recycling when I did it as I did it "wrong "but leaving most of it out when he did.
Yes, none of it applied to him. I wouldn't dare wake him, or play music loudly.
I had to let him know everything in advance, but should he choose to be spontaneous, that was okay.
(Currently reading your book, Katsu)!
Sulking as a means of control, passive aggressive comments designed to make you walk on eggshells and question your own behaviour, control dressed up as concern (for instance insisting he picks you up from a night out so he 'knows you're safe' but using that to dictate what time you come home and as a way to check out who you're with etc) and belittling your abilities in order to make you believe you can't do stuff so you become dependant on them. I've experienced all of these and seen them in action in other people's relationships too, they seem depressingly common.
Katsu ohhhhhhh how could I forget that with exh. My blood pressure went through the roof if he did any cleaning or diy it in fact anything around the house. Everything was easier to do it myself and be exhausted
Oh yes Queen, everything was such a massive drama. He insisted on doing something for my dds birthday that I actually do as part of my work, then when it went wrong and I offered help this was me undermining him. Never mind that I'd organised, researched, bought it, but he wanted the glory of doing the last piece. He was really looking like he was going to smash it, and Dd would wake up disappointed. It was another 6 months before I left but it was a real lightbulb moment.
I wasn't allowed to be upset about anything because I was making him more upset.
Constant negativity about everything & everyone.
Not being allowed to be upset and no reflex sympathy if I cried. Both exes - the next time a man uses my tears against me I'm ending it right there
Wow, it's a strange experience reading this. Exdh did all of the above except pretending to have hidden a body (and he made up equally mad and scary stories so even that resonates).
The thing about being ill is interesting. Exdh often pretended to be ill. Twice he faked a heart attack to frighten me. When I was ill, I tried to struggle on and not tell him because it made everything worse. I was nearly hospitalised with a bad chest infection because I hadn't been able to rest and recover, the doctor was really cross with me.
At the time, I knew all this was wrong and unfair but couldn't see a way out. It was almost a relief when he finally hit me because I then had a 'proper' excuse to leave. But the emotional abuse and walking on eggshells has done far more damage to me and the children long term.
First denial: ‘I didn’t do/say that – you’re imagining it/remembering it wrong/misinterpreting it because you’re oversensitive
Then blame: Ok, well maybe I did do it, but it’s all your fault because you don’t love me enough/you provoke me/you make me feel bad about myself
Then, if denial and blame don’t work: The half-arsed apology. I’m sorry; I only act this way because I love you. Or: I’m sorry but...
In the five years I was with my ex, I never got an apology without a ‘but’. The 'but' handily voids the apology, justifies his actions, and places the blame back where it belongs – on you.
Really complicated lies about things, with huge back stories causing a lot of emotional stress for me.
Then when the lies were uncovered, either laughing in my face about it or just completely ignoring the hurt and damage.
When in the wrong about something...screaming in your face in a completely over the top manner until you just backed down.
Stonewalling for weeks and weeks.
"My ex went to sleep with another girl and told me that he had gone to help his friend hide a body. He pretended to cry but when I made him look at me there were no tears. When I told him I'd seen the messages he admitted he had made up the entire thing about taking his friend's wife's lover hostage and murdering him"
Words fail me..........................
Ahh, the non apologies. Mine was always: "I'm sorry you feel that way", or: "I'm sorry you felt that..." thereby always blaming me. It wasn't whatever he'd done, it was my over sensitivity.
Telling me he loved me over and over to an annoying degree. Cosmopolitan had been full of articles about how men find it hard to say those three little words so foolishly I believed him.
He said he didn't like old people. I came to realise he said mean things about a lot of people, unaware I was next (if he wasn't already telling lies about me behind my back)
Projecting his own deeply unpleasant traits onto me then taking me to task for them (even though they were non-existent )
Ignoring for weeks
The death stare
Looks of utter contempt
Picking vindictive arguments over nothing eg. kitchen tiles.
Switching between nice and nasty in an instant
Hiding/breaking/throwing away my possessions
Spotting his behaviour was nonsensical and idiotic but being unable to understand why, attributing it to emotional problems which required even more of my time, love and sympathy. Yep, stitched up like a kipper I was.
Telling tall tales to impress in which he was at the centre of the story, yet they were never mentioned again. Usually such stories become the stuff of family legend and are regularly resurrected for the purposes of mickey-taking or "OMG do you remember when . . .", which makes you wonder if they were in fact borrowed from someone/somewhere else or total fiction.
They were never in this league though: he had made up the entire thing about taking his friend's wife's lover hostage and murdering him
Look at their driving too. It’s a big tell, because it’s disinhibiting. The first thing I noticed about my ex, months before he lost his temper with me, was that he was an awful, awful driver, and got severe road rage. Everything was someone else’s fault, everyone else on the road was a dick, apart from him. Driving is a recurring motif in these threads, and it’s usually the same story. They’re a bad/dangerous driver, they react very badly when you tell them their driving is making you nervous, and they often speed up when you tell them, to impress upon you that they’re in control, and you don’t get to tell them what to do.
Yy to the complicated lies and driving.
Both exes were v anti me driving and as critical as possible to make my anxiety and therefore driving worse. Early in the relationships they complimented my driving.
Exp drove for an hour like a manic with my dc in the car because he blamed me for being late. That was a coffin nail for me that upsetting me was more important than my children's lives. I was in shock for ages after that
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