DH alcohol and drug abuse

[Bumpylady]

I have just found out my dh is a high functioning alcoholic who is also abusing prescription drugs. We have small children. I don't know what to do. Feel like the rug has completely been pulled from underneath me.

[myrtleWilson]

Hi Bumpy - so sorry you're world is spinning... do you want to say anymore about whats happened?

[Bumpylady]

Only that for the last two or three years he has been buying a bottle of vodka a week, hiding it in the wardrobe and drinking it secretly. I thought I was going mad when I asked if he'd been drinking and he said he'd only had a couple of beers. He had a weekend a while ago where he was stunning around - nearly fell backwards downstairs - and his pupils were so dilated that I asked him what he was taking - xanax - above the prescription dose and mixing with alcohol. I asked him to stop - he said he had - then I found more on the bathroom floor where they'd fallen out of his bag. Several times since then he's had dilated pupils and slurred speech. If I try to talk to him about it I get accused of 'auditing' him or 'lecturing' him and he gets quite defensive, almost verbally aggressive tbh. Just don't know what to do ☹️

[myrtleWilson]

Is he taking Xanax for medical reasons or has he decided to take it? Have you been able to have any conversations with him about your concerns (other than confronting him when he's been drinking) ? To your knowledge does he have any cause for worry or anxiety etc?

[Out2pasture]

pack up and leave.
otherwise it will be a slow and painful downhill road
does he drive? does he drive with the children or you in the car?

[Bumpylady]

He has a stressful job and an old injury which causes him pain. After I discovered the secret vodka drinking - and after the weekend where he was stumbling round - he said he wanted help - for me to help him - and he stopped drinking for s month but has started again the same as ever. I have tried to talk to him often, the last time he turned it all in me, accusing me of not loving him any more 😢

[Out2pasture]

bumpy those are not valid reason's to drink or abuse drugs.
if he is experiencing stress and suffering from back pain a family physician can help sort this out without shame and the need to "hide" the vodka in the closet. or without the family having to bear the financial burden (prescription meds covered, vodka not).

[ExplodedCloud]

Those are excuses that an addict uses. Plenty of people have stressful lives without using prescription meds. Plenty of people have physical pain without medicating pain killers and secret drinking.
If he's still justifying his addictions, you cannot change that by talking.
Protect yourself and your children.

[ferando81]

Alcoholics give it up all the time.My mother,uncle and cousin all gave it up and stayed off it -so it can be done.Next time he makes his excuse -point out that many people can give it up and if he doesn't ,you will leave him..

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

The 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

He should not have asked you to help him; unless he wants to help his own self there is nothing you can do except leave. He simply wants you to take responsibility for his problems and you are woefully underqualified to help him, not that he wants your help anyway. Talking to him is a waste of time; he does not want to know and will always blame you.

Self medicating his problems in such a manner is destructive and will destroy you and in turn your children ultimately. Your only realistic option is to leave him.

[Bumpylady]

Thank you for your messages. It does feel like he is at least in part trying to blame me. I am worried in the main about the impact on the children 😢

[Out2pasture]

Again I ask you does he drive a car with your children in it?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

And indeed you should be worried about the impact on the children because this is going to hit them hard, you cannot fully protect them from his addictive behaviours if you are all under the same roof. And yourself too because actually you matter as well. You're showing them that currently at least, all this from him is acceptable to you on some level.

Of course he is trying to blame you; that is part of his modus operandi here.

[OliviaBenson]

You should worry about the impact on the children if you stay.

He will only get worse.

[ProfessorSillyStuff]

How are you getting on with this op?

[Isetan]

If it's got to the point where pills are on the bathroom floor and you have children, then there's only one choice.

How would you explain your children accidentally ingesting his pills to the police/ doctors or worse, the coroner? You can not prioritise your children with this man in their home.