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Bereaved - but how to cope with his former relationship?

(5 Posts)
BugEyedBeans Sat 01-Jul-17 23:38:24

My DP died a month ago - I miss him hugely but seem to be managing OK for now, keeping busy with family and friends around.
What I am finding difficult, and distracting me horribly, is his former partner. Not that she is behaving badly, but she knew him for much longer than I did, knows his old friends, shared many things with him, they remained good friends and he supported her a lot.
DP and I had been together for around 18 months, taking it very slow because of my teenage children. We had just about reached the stage of 'coming out' as a couple, when he was diagnosed with cancer. Then the last 6 months have been a dark forest of appointments, treatment, hospital visits... he moved in with me so that i could look after him....many friends helped
So our relationship could not unfold in our own time, and was overshadowed by illness, though there were many good moments too.

The former partner is an intense character and has her own interpretation of DP's life, achievements, feelings, "what DP would have wanted".
I'm finding this hard to cope with, it overlays my own memories and feelings for DP. Feeling that my time with DP was not 'worth' as much as her much longer relationship with him.

Many people must have to face this - either as the 'new' or the 'old' partner - yet it isn't much talked about. I'd like to let it go... to just remember the good relationship that i did have with DP... but how?

Cupcakey Sun 02-Jul-17 08:20:01

no advice to share but just wanted to say I'm so sorry for the loss of your partner. I hope someone will be a long soon with advice to share.
flowers xx

ElspethFlashman Sun 02-Jul-17 08:25:46

Honestly? Block her on FB. The funeral is presumably over. There is no need to have any kind of window into her thoughts.

Chasingsquirrels Sun 02-Jul-17 08:36:49

BugEyedBeans I'm sorry to read about your DP.

It is such early days for you (my husband died 3 months ago) and you have gone through so much in a relatively short relationship.

My situation is slightly different in that DH has been married for 25 years, but his divorce was very difficult and they did not remain friends. We'd been together nearly 5 years when his cancer was diagnosed and nearly 6 when he died. We were already living together and had just arranged our wedding.
So I a different situation but I feeling for you.

Do you have contact with his former partner, and if so is this necessary? I'm just wondering from your post as you talk about her interpretation of DP - and really you don't need that in your life at the moment.

I suppose the thing to try and think is that they were no longer together, yes they had a past and a history, but it was the past and you were his future.

Have you accessed any help? I've not gone down the formal bereavement counselling route at this point, but have joined Widowed-And-Young (Way) which is an online forum for people under 50 at the point their partner died. I'm finding the forums helpful and have also been to a local meet up. There is also a Way-Up group for those over 50.

BugEyedBeans Sun 02-Jul-17 09:43:07

Thank you for messages...
I do have to remain in contact with the former partner while a number of things get sorted out.
Sorting DP's possessions was awful, he still had many things that she had given him, he kept her cards and photos and other gifts. Many possessions came from their time together or were pieces of work they had done together. I think I did handle that OK, she wanted to sort specific things and that was fine, I gathered anything personal I found and gave it to her without comment. Although still feeling pushed out. It was all about her sensitivities!
There are a few large items still in storage at her place which I will need to pick up in due course.
DP was a great community activist - his deep engagement with many people was so attractive -and so several community groups want to commemorate him in various ways. It's wonderful and unexpected and I love him all the more for it... but she too is involved in this...
It will all go on!

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