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what am I doing? Past exploitation and abuse

(2 Posts)
DrDreading Sat 01-Jul-17 23:07:50

I don’t even know how to explain how I’m feeling properly.

I have lived in the same place all of my life.

Fifteen years ago when I was very young, I was sexually and financially exploited and abused by a group of local people (wealthy, powerful people) and they treated me like a second class citizen. I was afraid to look them in the eye (felt too ashamed/embarrassed) and I was generally very afraid of them because they used a series of threats/coercion.

They are the type of people who have a lot of power through wealth, rather than the type of people who are nice.

I am older now and angry. And actually more empowered. I have had some therapy and I’m at the point, I suppose, where I can recognize that what I’m feeling is not right, but cannot get rid of the feeling itself.

Anyway, to my feeling: I am obsessed with the idea of being in their company and refusing to turn away, looking them in the eye, speaking to them and confronting them if need be. Bringing them to justice publicly or socially (or whatever I think justice is in my head.) So I go a lot to the places they go, and have made a point of moving in the same circles they move. It's an almost obsession.

So I crop up in places that they’ll be and I’ve seen a few of them. And I’ve derived pleasure from being in their space when they wouldn’t expect me, and being in front of them when they’d prefer to forget about me. And them having to acknolwegde me, and know that I remember.

But DH thinks I am mad. He thinks I am stuck in the past. He thinks the place for people who abuse you is firmly in the past, and indifference is the best form of revenge.

Sometimes I feel like I cannot be in the same room as DH when he tells me this, or gets angry with me for having such a drive for justice. Sometimes I feel that I have to leave him because he simply cannot understand how I feel. I feel very lonely.

What is it? What am I actually trying to do? And what can I do to feel better?

Justhadmyhaircut Sat 01-Jul-17 23:13:29

Report to the police and seek therapy. . Don't risk losing your dh over your actions now. .

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