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How to fall out of love when you were probably just a rebound?

(7 Posts)
hatetobyc Sat 01-Jul-17 20:51:44

Long story short… met a man online, we hit it off really quickly. Due to 4hr long drive distance we only met after almost 2 months of chatting, so I already felt emotionally bonded (stupid, I know).
When we met, he was about 8 months out of a relationship – he was with ex for 6 years. It was his 2nd long term partner, previous one was about 3 years I guess. He is 40, I am 38, divorced, one child. He has no kids.

Now, we were meeting for the past 6 months on average once a month for a couple of days, mainly due to his and my job commitments. At the beginning we both were open for a possibility of a relationship, we spoke about it, everything was fine. But we decided to take things really slowly, as the reality of how far apart we are was slowly sinking in, too.
He was actually the first person to say that he thinks he might be falling in love with me – he apologised for it later, stating it’s obviously too early to say it, but he does care for me a lot.

When we are together, we have a great time. Just feeling so comfortable with each other, I don’t find almost anything irritating in this man. He is respectful, funny, smart, attractive, has a very good relationship with his family. Sex is awesome. We always have stuff to talk about and I know he feels the same about me. Everything between us is just so easy and natural... and I never felt more comfortably with anyone... hence it was so hard to give up on him, despite the fact he lives do far away.

Anyway, with time I started feeling like he was cooling off towards me a bit. We still chatted a lot on whatsapp and on the phone sometimes, and kept meeting, but I felt that something was off.
One day he confessed that he is not ready for relationship, because he is just too busy now and the distance between us is just crazy, etc. We still decided to meet every now and then, basically staying friends with benefits.
Again, I knew I should probably break it off then but the time with him was just making me so happy, so I decided to carry on and see how it goes. I did not see him as a tosser or a player, so I was hoping he will develop feelings with time, when not pressured, as he is quite a sensitive man and to me it all seemed as if he was almost consciously choosing his mind, not his heart rule it all.

Last week we had our monthly ‘date’ and after 2 days of great time and amazing sex, conversation became serious. I wanted to understand why he does not to give us a proper go if we are so good together, just normal convo, no pressuring. He was trying to use excuse of work and distance, and ‘different life stages’ again but eventually admitted that he had a lightbulb moment recently... and realised he is not over his ex.

He was very upset about it all, and kept apologising, I know he was genuinely sorry. Kept saying he was never meant to hurt me and does not want to feel like this, does not want to have this feelings towards her and never planned to share them with anyone but came to conclusion he needs to come clean to me.

I felt heartbroken. We spent another day talking about it and ironically I immediately turned myself into a friend… comforting him and convincing him that he should actually talk to ex about it all, just to sort him self out... and as its quite likely that she still has feelings for him, too.

He kept saying that he feels so guilty, would never string me along or hurt me intentionally, and how much grateful he feels now that I am with him and supporting him. I asked if he wants me to leave and he didn’t, so I stayed another night. We both cried and held each other… now, I know it sounds like bulls* from a cheap b romance movie but it did not feel like this to me, I would never ever picture myself in a situation like this… but somehow it just felt so raw and real and genuine.
(Yes, we had sex… last time). Next day we decided to not to meet again for a while and just stay friends – he will take a couple of weeks to rethink it all and speak to ex. He kept saying we will always be friends and he will always be there for me, come and help me out if I ever need him etc.
I asked if he is planning to tell ex about us if she takes him back, and the answer was yes, he knows he needs to be honest, and wants to be honest as they always trusted each other.

Not sure if I want to be friends... not sure if I can be just a friend, I care so much for him... but a part of me really wants to stay in touch.
We still talk just a bit every couple of days, but it’s very short and innocent contact, general 'how are you' stuff. I know he deleted all the ‘sexy’ pics and chats and I don’t encourage it at all.

I know it is all just a f****d up situation. I feel his pain, and my pain too. I don’t want to chase anyone who does not love me or is not available to give us a proper go, but this man is the first one I ever felt anything to after 5 years since ex H cheated and left. And I have met a few in that time.

I am very realistic in life, down to earth and know that on paper it’s just a bizarre and hopeless situation…. I would never want to be a consolation or second choice. But something tells me not to give up on him, the connection we have had was just unique. Sadly, just for me now it seemssad

Some of my friends say that it’s unlikely his relationship with ex, if they get back together, survives, and then he will run back to me… or that she won’t take him back (she kinda ended it although it was an amicable split)…. or if I give him ‘space’ he might actually realise that he misses me too. But I am not sure if that kind of thinking is helpful (although it does feed this stupid hope in me, that yes, he will be back at some point.)

How to survive this? How to erase memories and feelings? It was so good, and I am deeply in love with this man…Why did it happen to me again?

ThreeForAPound Sat 01-Jul-17 20:57:07

The only way you'll get over this is to cut all contact completely. If you drag it out by pretending to be 'friends' or staying FWB and just secretly hoping he will suddenly declare his love for you...I think the likelihood is you will end up incredibly hurt.

He has said he doesn't want a relationship and that he isnt over his ex. Thats a pretty clear message. All the rest doesn't matter, unfortunately.
If he is a good guy, he shouldn't be encouraging contact either. Good guys don't play with peoples feelings.

hatetobyc Sat 01-Jul-17 21:12:07

He is not encouraging the contact. It is me. I keep texting him etc.
He said it is all up to me, he will totally understand if I don't want to stay in touch. But the thing is, I am just not ready for it. Bloody lifesad(((

Gohackyourself Sat 01-Jul-17 21:39:41

I hate to sound brutal but could he still actually be married/living with a partner?

Godsprincess Sat 01-Jul-17 21:48:34

I feel you OP. I could have written your thread more or less I try sit on hands to try not to text him literally smile and occupy myself with other things and let him get him in touch so I don't feel bad when he takes time to answer. flowers hope you have a great weekend grin

hatetobyc Sat 01-Jul-17 22:16:43

He surely is not living with her. He is and was very open about his life and all, I know all the details of who lives where etc., been to his and it's all as he says.
Now, we chatted a bit tonite about our mutual hobby. I initiated. dunno, it all just comes so naturally for us.
I will try to contact him less, I guess it is for the best.

Godsprincess I feel for you, too. The worst thing is that realisation, that we could be sooo good together, but it does not matter as long as his heart is with someone else.

Godsprincess Sat 01-Jul-17 22:25:54

@hatetobyc yes I used to daydream of how good we would be together as we had the same mindset about a relationship and he made me laugh. Oh well hopefully we will have better luck next time grin

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