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Was it rape?

(23 Posts)
Jackiekenneddy Thu 29-Jun-17 23:40:26

my ex husband would have sex with me when I was drunk\asleep\comatose, I would sometimes wake up and find myself enjoying it so I'm unsure as to what to actually call it as I did get into it,
But how many other times would it happen when I didn't wake up and he was having sex with me?

What is/was this?

TheSparrowhawk Thu 29-Jun-17 23:41:27

Rape. You can't consent while unconscious.

PastysPrincess Thu 29-Jun-17 23:44:28

I'm really sorry for what you have been through. Yes, that does constitute rape. Sex without consent is rape.
flowers

PickAChew Thu 29-Jun-17 23:49:25

Unfortunately, yes, it was rape. You were in no fit state to consent flowers

cheeseismydownfall Fri 30-Jun-17 01:12:07

After it happened, did you ever tell him clearly that he was not to do it again? If you did, and he did it anyway, then yes I would call that rape.

If you had not made it clear that you didn't want it to happen, you ended up enjoying it, and the relationship was in general respectful and equal, then I would say no, in all honesty, it wasn't rape.

BlueberryMarshmallow Fri 30-Jun-17 01:17:17

Yes, you cannot consent when you are asleep. Even if you woke up and then enjoyed it, prior to that you had no knowledge. Sorry to hear you have gone through this flowers

Oswin Fri 30-Jun-17 01:27:40

Cheese how is having sex with someone asleep not rape? It is impossible to gain consent. Op shouldn't have to ask him to not rape her in future fgs.
Op your body reacted to stimulation. Its not your fault.

category12 Fri 30-Jun-17 01:50:18

You have it backwards, cheese, you get consent before sex not afterwards.

sykadelic Fri 30-Jun-17 03:28:04

Cheese I understand, I think, what you were trying to get at, but you're failing to take into account that FIRST time. That FIRST time he had sex with her, without her knowledge or consent. It doesn't matter that she woke and enjoyed it. It doesn't matter that afterwards she said "oh hey that was pretty good". He still, knowingly, consciously, had sex with someone without their knowledge or conscious consent. As the OP said, what if she was comatose/passed out that first time? She wouldn't have woken so could never have consented...

I have come to realise with time that my ex-boyfriend sexually assaulted me in the same way. I don't like calling it rape because the word is traumatic to me.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 30-Jun-17 03:38:52

It is possible in some relationships to give prior consent to things (I'm thinking BDSM). But generally people who do that are extremely careful about seeking informed consent beforehand.

In your case OP your ex didn't seek consent. He just had sex without consent. And that's rape. I'm sorry that happened.

FixItUpChappie Fri 30-Jun-17 04:04:38

I am adding this is no way to be glib to the OP, but this is my favourite explanation to the question "what is rape"....I think when described in this way it is very clear. Consent should be clear each and every time you have sex.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

Shoxfordian Fri 30-Jun-17 07:38:48

Yes it was rape. I'm sorry OP

PastysPrincess Fri 30-Jun-17 18:44:06

Have you got someone in RL to talk to about this? flowers

Jackiekenneddy Fri 30-Jun-17 22:27:37

No the relationship wasn't equal, I told him numerous times to stop it,

I had a coil in, had it removed and had 4 weeks before starting the pill again, in this time I fell pregnant- I knew we didn't have sex in this time, when I questioned him he admitted that he had had sex with me one night when I got home from a night out, I had an abortion As we couldn't afford another baby!
no one would ever believe me though, he is lovely to everyone but me,

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 30-Jun-17 23:04:42

We believe you. flowers

Wolfiefan Fri 30-Jun-17 23:06:05

I believe you. flowers

SoleBizzz Fri 30-Jun-17 23:11:45

I believe you x. flowers

SaneAsABoxOfFrogs Fri 30-Jun-17 23:15:01

I believe you flowers

BifsWif Fri 30-Jun-17 23:16:31

I believe you Op x

HandbagCrazy Fri 30-Jun-17 23:40:58

I believe you OP 💐

I understand that it may be too traumatic right now for you to use the word rape for what happened. It can be hard to match up the many sides of someone like your ex - as you said, he's lovely to other people, you probably had some good times and saw some good qualities in him. BUT, very few people are just selfish or bad through and through.

Despite everything else though, at some point, he looked at you, decided his wants were more important than your rights. He decided that, and he didn't do it to wake you up and make you horny, he didn't do it because you had said you may like it, he did it because he wanted sex and felt entitled to it. And he did it more than once.
No matter how you word that, it is a disgusting thing to do to someone. Everyone has the right to be asked their permission before sex, everyone has the right to say no. Nobody is entitled to just take what they want or use another persons body in that way.

I am so sorry this happened to you OP. I take it you are free of him now?

WhatWouldGenghisDo Fri 30-Jun-17 23:50:30

We believe you OP. Rape is sex without consent. Having an orgasm or not having one is completely irrelevant to whether or not you consented. I hope you are OK flowers

DixieFlatline Fri 30-Jun-17 23:55:06

I believe you, OP. The story in your last post is horrific.

PastysPrincess Sat 01-Jul-17 06:41:34

I believe you. flowers

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