Recent separation - Male writing.

[GlasgowParent]

I've recently separated from my wife of 4 years, together for 12 years and we have a daughter aged 8.

I made the break, we were in a marriage with zero passion, spark and I was essentially used as childcare for her social life and hobbies, whilst all my aspirations were unsupported or curtailed. There was no way I was treated as an equal or valued and although I raised the subject over the past couple of years it was always dismissed or ended up with me backing down.

I know I have made the correct decision but am feeling pretty emotional this week. They are both on holiday (the planned family holiday in Florida, which is fine) and I miss the wee one terrible. Been staying in the family home again as they have been away and just looking for a wee bit of advice/words.

Am I feeling emotional as this is realisation that my life is going to change completely.........are there any answers for this period of time?

[TheNaze73]

It'll get a little bit easier day by day. You've totally made the right decision about her, no one should have to put up with that.
There'll be days where you'll miss the routine of putting your daughter to bed & generally being there for her but, the short term pain, will be worth the long term gain

[bumblebee61]

So sorry to hear how hard things are for you. i would recommend you try and find a counsellor if you can afford it. Having someone to talk things through with each week and some emotional support will help enormously. it also might help you understand how things went wrong so this doesn't happen in another relationship. Not saying it's your fault, just get some perspective. You sound like a very loving father. Good luck.

[NearlyFree17]

You've done the right thing, you gave her the chance to put things right and she chose not to. That doesn't make it easy unfortunately.

You are going through a grieving process and there's no magic fast forward button unfortunately. Counselling can help just so you have a regular time to get things off your chest.

It sounds like you maybe haven't had much time to yourself due to doing the childcare. It takes a bit of getting used to the alone times. I know its a cliche but you need to take a bit of time to re-connect with the things that you like doing just for yourself. Its very easy to fall into the trap of going to the pub/drowning your sorrows, to while away the time be careful to watch that.

[pinkyredrose]

Sorry but you lost me at I was essentially used for childcare. No, you were looking after your own child.

I wonder how different her side of the story would be?

[jeaux90]

Pinky I wonder how different your response would be if OP was a woman.

[Northernparent68]

Pinky,that remark was unhelpful and frankly mean. Did you miss the bit where the op says he was nt treated as an equal and his asipirations unsupported ? Of course the op wife will have a different version of events but you can say that of any thread.

[user1496484020]

Can you elaborate on 'my aspirations were unsupported or curtailed'?

[JustArandomUser]

I'm with Pinky, regardless of whether or not the OP's aspirations were curtailed etc looking after your own child isn't babysitting, it's parenting. Now you're separated, you'll probably be doing as much, if not more parenting.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not unsympathetic, I'm a single father who has been in your shoes. It does get a lot better once the situation is properly established and you both have your own living situations sorted out. Best advice is to have as much care for the little one as you can possibly get, there's no substitute in my books.

[user1496484020]

It sounds like you're missing your daughter while she is on holiday. The situation will improve once she's home and you have her for your time. It certainly doesn't sound like it's your wife you're missing.

[Guavaf1sh]

Well done for having the bravery to do what you know is right rather than allow a deepening atmosphere of bad feeling to build and corrupt all that was good in your household. It will get better now that you are free with your status as an equal partner and parent and the key is being there for your daughter and rebuilding your life. Time does heal. Good luck

[valeriej43]

I am sure the op meant he was used for childcare while his wife went out and pursued her own interests,not objecting to doing his share with the child
My son was in a similiar situation, even on holiday,she went off with her sister to places children couldnt go,so they were left with my son to look after, he didnt get much of a holiday
I think pinkys comments are rather harsh

[willconcern]

The OP's statement about childcare isn't the issue here.

OP, you are going through a grieving process, which will take time. You could try to access counselling, or you could look for a divorce coach, to help you look forward.

At the moment, you are very early on in the separation process. The first holiday without you was always going to be a challenge for you. My advice to you right now, is to try and do something positive every day that you enjoy and that makes you feel a bit better. So that might be meeting a friend, or going for a run/walk, read a book, ride a bike. Whatever works for you.

Also I would advise you not to run away from your feelings. Acknowledge them and name them, and let yourself feel. You can't get over something that you partition away and don't examine.

Do you have a new place to move to, or are you still living in the marital home? Staying there may not be the best thing for you emotionally as there are no doubt lots of reminder around.

Time really is the best healer.

[Changedname3456]

You'll probably find it harder once they're back - it'll be difficult to see the DC a lot less than you did when still a family.

It hurts like crap all the time for a while, then you'll get peaks and troughs and eventually you get to a place where it's the norm and you get more adjusted to it.

Counselling is useful if you can find the cash for it. So many men (me included) would rather chew their arm off than go to a session, but I found it a really helpful chance to just vent a bit. Lean on your friends too.

Most of all, hold your head up OP. If you tried your best and your wife wasn't prepared to make any compromises or changes then you've done the right thing.

[GlasgowParent]

I think the term I used childcare has been misconstrued. I am in no way intimating that I viewed it as babysitting, as she is my child after all.

[GlasgowParent]

Thanks for your positive and helpful responses, and I guess I do need to talk more about my feelings and will focus on the priorities (i.e. the wee one and also living arrangements going forward), will look into a counsellor and also open up more to pals and family.

No point in really responding to the unnecessary and negative posters as all it will do is derail the thread.

Hopefully if anyone is in a similar situation and is reading in, they can take some of the advice given to me.

Cheers.

[whatsmyname2017]

I know what you are going through. I ended my 16 year relationship a few months back. He became a nightmare to live with (probably always was) and just reached my breaking point.
No-one could have prepared me for how I would feel after he left though. It was like I was grieving for someone. I spent days crying for no reason and it was like a black cloud hanging over my head.
I did not want him back but I guess I was grieving for the lost relationship. I guess living with someone for that long, then no longer, is bound to have an effect.
I can only say, it DOES get better with time. You are grieving the relationship and on top of this missing your child. Living back in the family home might be having this affect on you to.
Dont be too hard on yourself. This time will eventually pass.