My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am i Irrational?

54 replies

scotgal2017 · 28/06/2017 22:23

This could be a verryyy long story so will make it as brief as possible! background info, been with DH for 21 years, married for 17. have 2 kids, DD is about to be 14 and DS is nearly 11. Several issues through the years, up and down like a carousel! Main issues violence in the early years although DH seems to have that very much under control but obviously this makes me very wary about being very communicative about problems, something he seems to think I should be well over by now I think. After 17 years of marriage is now constant criticism on his part (seriously, I can't even boil an in egg in the right way, he's very vocal about how things should be done the right way, i.e his way!). I let it roll as that is the way he is, if he has a hissy fit about something and leaves the room, DH rolls her eyes, kids pretty much know the deal...... serious split at least twice and the main issue bugging me now is trust, which is why I am writing this post.

Hubby works away from home and we live in a foreign country. I am very independent so I have no issue about this. In Oct 2014, after 14 years of marriage, DH was away and decided to tell me that he has visit strip clubs and lap dancing clubs throughout our years together. Was a conversation he decided to have with me as other blokes had been discussing whether they tell their OH and he obviously decided he wanted to tell me. Well, went down like a lead balloon, not really for the fact that I think he shouldn't go (although this did hurt as he has been critical of body weight over the years even though he is no adonis lol). I hit the roof and we had a very heated argument via whatsapp, resulting in me losing my shit and going to town on him in every which way imaginable. He didn't realise how much he hurt me, and the biggest issue I had is that he felt he couldn't trust me enough to tell me he had been through the years.....to me that signals no trust.it took a long time but we worked on it and I learnt to trust him again, not to the same degree but trust was there..... I asked him to tell me straight up the day after if he went out to a strip club again, just be honest with me as I can't change what you've already done, and he agreed he would tell me.
Fast forward to September 2016, he was away working and I look at bank statement, a large amount of money used in a bar, googled bar and sure enough it is a strip club! He waited 3 days and it was only when I confronted him and blew my stack he said he had gone. Excuse was a friend's credit card wasn't working so he used his in an atm in the strip club to lend it to friend (never been in one, I'm not sure I believe they have ATM's lol!!), and also that he didn't tell me because he knew it would end up in an argument.
So again my issue was he was not honest with me, which is what I had specifically asked him to do in 2014.
My issue now is that I cannot trust him and I have told him this. Last weekend, away again working and it's a batchelor's party. He took out again a lot of money from ATM which was for drinks as the bars are expensive.......I lost the plot as I had had all night to wind myself up, didn't sleep and the day after he was so casual and wanted to get amourous by whatsapp (even though we are hardly intimate anymore), I gave him what for and said he has never grasped how muych he hurt me and how much it took to trust him again after the 2nd incident. It ended with him asking if he would get verbal abuse every time he went out and I responded with can't guarantee you won't and that it's your previous actions that have put you in this predicament. We have not spoken since yesterday and I am emotionally drained. It may well have been innocent but I can't stop myself getting paranoid and wound up every time her has a guy's night out.
So am I being irrational or does he get what he deserves for abusing my trust, not once but twice???

OP posts:
Report
Augustbabyyeah · 28/06/2017 22:25

Why are you still with this man?

Report
emilybrontescorset · 28/06/2017 22:33

I'm Thinking the same as August.
Never mind the dishonesty and cheating, if my oh criticised the way I boiled an egg, the entire lot, including the pan would be tipped over him.
What on earth do you see in him?

Report
scotgal2017 · 28/06/2017 22:36

Very good question...... many years of trying, not trying, splitting up, getting back together..... latest insult after all this time is that i am a Freeloader....this is a new insult which stunned me during an argument recently. I am quite independent and hate not earning my own money, I'll be honest, partly because it is something that means he has control over me and can be thrown at me in an argument.... but I've never been called a freeloader before now lol.
I'm perhaps at that stage where I'm just going through the motions and accept that marriage is sometimes good and sometimes bad......but I really want to know whether I'm being irrational about the trust issue we have......I accept I'm not perfect but this is driving me mental.....

OP posts:
Report
PenguinOfDoom · 28/06/2017 22:40

Is there anything actually good about him?

Report
scotgal2017 · 28/06/2017 22:49

Probably, but after 21 years together and 17 years of a very up and down marriage, I'm not sure I can see it. It's a big problem for him that i help at a dog rescue and have become more involved......I also teach English in the evenings, plus of course being a mum I'm running about for swimming etc. My time is taken up by all of these and I don;t pay him attention which is wrong to be fair.....but if i am there, he sits on Playstation......we don't have family here to ask to babysit so we can spend quality time as a couple and even if we did it would probably end up in some petty argument because we had both had a bit too much vino.....

OP posts:
Report
PookieDo · 28/06/2017 22:49

This marriage sounds really rubbish.
He's horrible to you and all you do is row

Leave!

Report
scotgal2017 · 28/06/2017 22:50

I'm quite sure I'm not the easiest person to deal with, i have a very hard time apologising as I feel most things are not my fault.....

OP posts:
Report
emilybrontescorset · 28/06/2017 22:53

I'm sorry but no relationship should be this bad.
Everyone has their own standards but I would not be happy with a partner who regularly visited strip clubs etc.
Does he pay prostitutes to have sex?
From your post about money it sounds as though your dh thinks he is entitled to do as he pleases and speak to you how he pleases.
I don't think he will stop visiting strip clubs any time soon. Why then would you want to have sec with him.
You are not irrational at all. He doesn't even have the decency to tell you the truth.
If you don't intend ending your relationship then is it worth torturing yourself wondering what he is or isn't doing?
Also most men in loving relationships do not visit strip Clubs and prostitutes on a regular basis. Don't let him Con you into ur o g this is normal behaviour.

Report
Funnyonion17 · 28/06/2017 22:54

I too read that and I'm puzzled why your with him?!
Violence, lies, lapdances, name calling, not picking. Does he have any redeeming features? I know people say marriage often needs working on, but that goes for both sides. It sounds like your his long suffering wife who deserves better tbh

Report
Aquamarine1029 · 28/06/2017 22:55

Your husband sounds absolutely horrible. Big changes need to happen, I think. The first of which is to get a separate bank account for your money so he can't fritter it away on strippers and whores.

Report
scotgal2017 · 28/06/2017 23:12

Wow, very strong answers ladies.....I'm not sure how often he has gone to strip clubs through the years but he said it was mainly when we had been going through a rough patch and thought we were over or for someone's stag do/birthday etc.....i probably sound quite naive but do strip clubs have ATM's?? Am I gullible for almost believing what he says??? He was so apologetic in 2014 and I never thought I could get that angry with anyone before then. He has redeeming features, I think after many, many years together we just have drifted so far apart and so much has happened that it is getting harder and harder to mend. Please believe, I am not perfect and there are times when I think I should really apologise for being OTT but even he will admit that most of the time he overrreacts.......when I was called a freeloader he asked me to leave the house which I did, he wouldn't even allow me to pack a bag though to take with me, so i left in what I was standing in. I was messaging him trying to tell him it would cost me a lot to hire a van to get me, kids, pets etc back to UK and I got the usual, I don;t want you to go/kids don;t want to leave etc.....

OP posts:
Report
PookieDo · 28/06/2017 23:13

You have not mention a single good quality that he has. Not one. And many horrible ones that most women would divorce over, even just one of them but he has multiple awful behaviours
Being together a long time is literally the only reason you have for staying?
This is not a good view of relationships for your DC to grow up with. That men do as they please and treat women as objects, have tantrums to get what they want and disrespect women, waste all your money on looking at naked women and you resort to verbally giving him what for to try get your point across which doesn't work because he doesn't respect you

Can you get your own bank account and money together?

Report
PookieDo · 28/06/2017 23:14

Honestly the last post just made him sound even worse

Why do you care about the ATM machine when he makes you leave your own home with no possessions? He is an abuser. The truth about the money does not matter. You need to get out and be safe

Report
scotgal2017 · 28/06/2017 23:28

Well it's nice to know I'm not irrational !!

OP posts:
Report
scotgal2017 · 28/06/2017 23:31

Does anyone have any personal experiences that they can contribute? I appreciate what you are all saying to me, I'm quite aware that I probably have blinkers on from being in a marriage such as this for a very long time....if you have been together a long time then it is harder to leave I think, especially if the issues appear to be something that can be worked on......

OP posts:
Report
PookieDo · 28/06/2017 23:38

Yes I had a horrible DP who spoke to me like I was inferior and didn't matter and took all his money and controlled everything I did and I left him.

I had a father who was the same and I wished my whole childhood my mother would leave him

I left with nothing (the kids) but he had to sell the house and give me half, I managed to rent somewhere and get a better job and I've been happy for 10 years now! You can do it

You need to look at the steps you need to take. I don't know what country you are in.

I mean someone might come along and suggest counselling but I think he's abusive and that it is a very bad idea

Report
Augustbabyyeah · 28/06/2017 23:44

Bloody hell Scotgal you are not irrational, you are married to a twat. Start planning this minute, for your escape from this loveless, abusive marriage. You deserve a better life than what you have with this awful man.

Report
scotgal2017 · 28/06/2017 23:52

I understand what you are saying PookieDo. We tried counselling once when i was pregnant with DH but, and this makes him sound even worse, he had had too many drinks one night, we got into an argument and he hit me when pregnant. The last counselling session was the day after that and I told him in front of the counsellor that we were through. I stayed with my dad for a while but we worked it out....I had Placenta Praevia with DD and was in hospital from 29 weeks until she was born premature at 34 weeks.....he blamed himself for a long time that she was early etc because he had hit me, which was not the case......believe me there has been many times that I have left this man, maybe I'm just a real soft touch and believe that i can change him. He has not done violent for at least 8 years, but he is very animated when angry.....he tries not to blow up in front of the kids but I have discussed with them as I know they are not stupid, that Dad is having a mood again. It breaks my heart to think how this is affecting them and believe me I have tried several times to leave. I try to be as honest with them as I can so that they don't have an overly tainted view, and believe me I will discuss with my DH when she is older so that she knows never to pick a man like her father....

OP posts:
Report
Charlotteswigwam · 28/06/2017 23:54

This might sound a bit of, but are you sure the violence stopped because he had it under control, and not rather that ihe stopped because he had YOU under control (and therefore no longer needed to be violent)

Report
PookieDo · 29/06/2017 00:02

No no no. You can't set this example of tolerating violence and aggression and just tell your DD it's not ok and hope for the best. It doesn't work like that. That is very naïve of you. She's learning it every day. And she's learning bad lessons about how men treat women.

Report
scotgal2017 · 29/06/2017 00:02

very interesting point Charlotteswigwam, it's certainly true that as a fiery red-headed Scottish Aries, in my youth I didn't take any shit, especially as my mum left when I was 9 years old (hence the very independent streak!). Perhaps it is true that i got so tired of the fights, arguing and violence that i just gave up. i've certainly learned to pick my battles shall we say, and because he works away a lot, many of those are conducted via email or whatsapp these days....for the quiet life ya know....

OP posts:
Report
thehornbeepbeep · 29/06/2017 00:02

OP I really don't think telling your daughter not to do what you've done will work.

Sorry to say I think you need to act.

Your daughter will follow actions not words.

I was in a similar position to you 3 years ago & I left. My life is so much happier, calmer, nicer. It's hard being on your own but it's so liberating not to have to worry about awful moods and awful behaviour. And that has such a positive impact on my Dc.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

PookieDo · 29/06/2017 00:03

You can't change him. It's been a long time now. He's adapted his worst behaviours into being an asshole in other ways that's all

Report
scotgal2017 · 29/06/2017 00:03

i see what you are saying PookieDo but I am also doing my upmost to make sure she knows it is not the norm and is not acceptable.....

OP posts:
Report
Augustbabyyeah · 29/06/2017 00:04

This just gets worse with every post OP. You need to leave the bastard.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.