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Tunnel torch needed.

(22 Posts)
hereweareagainandagain Wed 28-Jun-17 21:43:35

I guess I'm looking for your strong, female , experienced or at least rational hand holding services.

Today I lost my friend, very suddenly, as in he died. My DH was also friends with him though didn't have the bond I did.

I knew he was going to die yesterday and was beside myself. Today, I thought maybe my DH would support and help me. I've literally cried until my eyes are dry. DH came home from work and said all the right things, held me, cried too BUT here lies the problem. DH drinks. A lot. He's a functioning alcoholic. He rewards himself with drink whatever the occasion such as, bad day at work, good day at work, day off work, stressful day at work, you get the idea. Basically he celebrates the days of the week with drink.

He's got a stressful job and from past history, the more stress, the more drink, the more lies about drink.

Back to today. It's been traumatic to say the least but instead of having a sweet tea or 1 stiff brandy, he has to buy beer and then to make it totally acceptable and justifiable, he buys me gin.

Come 8pm he is plastered, dozing off on the sofa when today of all days I need help, support and just to be able to grieve.

I want to scream at him right now. I've told him to go to bed. He has but my god, I wanted to ring his damn neck.

Nothing about his behaviour is new. In fact, if I read my life story on here it would turn into the biggest LTB thread known to MN. BUT ( yes, another but ) when he's sober is ok............ actually, scrap that. He's a wanker.

So sitting here now, with a gin, ( can't beat them ) wondering if now is the time to make a very difficult decision and ask him to leave. He's demonstrated his glorious technicolor wankerness tonight down to a tee which should be all I need but I know me, Ill get scared and tell myself I can't live without him....but my head is screaming end it.

I think, I need that hand holding. I need to know there is life beyond this crap and if I don't go it will get crapper and crapper.

We've been married 22 years. 3 kids. He has been abusive, but the manipulation and mind games are the worst because he makes me question my sanity to the point I think I'm going mad.

thestamp Wed 28-Jun-17 21:46:44

I'll hold your hand.

I'm so desperately sorry about your friend's death. I can imagine your heart feels broken.

And I'm sorry/glad to hear the scales have fallen from your eyes re DH. You do deserve better. You deserve to be loved more than the bottle x

thestamp Wed 28-Jun-17 21:47:48

Are the kids in the home still?

Do you know what your next step will be, or are you still just needing to go through the feelings for now x

NearlyFree17 Wed 28-Jun-17 21:48:14

Quick version- don't do anything hasty, you are grieving.
Your DH sounds like a dick and you probably do need to LTB

danger is if you act now while your emotions are running high then you may do sthg you regret.

Best to offload on MN find some safe space to work out what you want before confronting DH

hereweareagainandagain Wed 28-Jun-17 21:56:05

Thank you for the hand holding offers. This is exactly what I need. I can't act now, you're right, I'm utterly gutted and my heart really is bruised but he makes me so angry. He's a damn grief thief.

Kids still at home, going through exams right now so not a time to argue BUT I need to use this realisation and anger to confirm that ending this is the right thing. I've sat on the fence for years, made excuses, been hurt time and time again. I think this is just a last ditch attempt to stop listening to my heart and to wake up. Writing these words will help, as will reading yours.

noego Wed 28-Jun-17 22:10:40


Seeingadistance Thu 29-Jun-17 01:36:07

A hand hold from me, and I am so sorry about your friend.

As others have already said - take time, grieve, think, breathe, plan ...

use this space as a sounding board, as a place to vent, to share and to be heard.


2017SoFarSoGood Thu 29-Jun-17 01:52:22

Here I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend last year and am still reeling from it. My initial instinct was that life is too short for anything that is not perfect and to change it all. Wiser voices prevailed thank goodness, and it gave me time to think. Frankly it does sound like you may be better off without him, but you can't do that today unless it becomes an emergency. Take time. Grieve. Heal. Then plan.

My heart goes out to you though. Right now the bastard needs to be there holding you up.


hereweareagainandagain Thu 29-Jun-17 06:33:44

Thank you @Seeingadistance @2017SoFarSoGood, I'm really sorry you've been through similar. There's nothing like death to make you look at things in a different light.

I woke feeling absolutely consumed with sadness this morning. Everything feels so different. So empty.

I won't do anything now, not today, other than plan to get out. My friend knew the issues with H and I don't know if this is part of the grief process but it's like he's telling me to sort myself out and sort my life out.

I'm dreading him waking up and having to be nice to him. Why should I have to be decent to him? It's not like he has any respect for me what so ever, I'm just a doormat for him to wipe his shitty feet on. How he think I'm prepared to spend my life with a narcissistic drunk.

God I'm furious

Isetan Thu 29-Jun-17 06:56:06

You have every right to be angry and sad but.... this is who he is and has been for a long time. Expecting someone who likes the status quo to change is futile, so grieve and be sad but as far as your relationship is concerned, the balls in your court.

I'm sorry for your loss.

beentheredonethattoo Thu 29-Jun-17 07:04:38

Changed my username here.
I was in a similar situation. I was with my DP for 10 years and he loved alcohol. Same as yours, any excuse, he needed a drink- good day, bad day, celebration, commiseration. You know the story. In turn, I ended up spending my life in the pub. If I didn't go to the pub, I wouldn't have seen him from day to day. He would come home from work, park the car and go straight to pub (wouldn't even come in to house to say hello) and by the time he would come home, if I hadn't gone to see him in the pub, I'd be in bed because I had work the next day.
Out of our 10 year relationship, there had been no physical relationship for 6 of those. So due to jobs, we moved countries. The drinking continued, 6.30am before work, he'd be in the pub. It got worse. But we married anyway.
However, i strayed. Not my finest moment I admit. I met a wonderful man who treated me as I knew I should be treated. Spent time with me, talked to me, helped me, was kind to me, all normal things that didn't revolve around alcohol. He knew the situation with DH. DH and i separated. I'm now married to this wonderful man and so very very happy. I can't look back with regret in what happened because I did love my DH1. But I can look back with sadness.
I hope you are able to pick yourself up. I hope you can sort out things and you will have your children to help keep you strong.

Ecclesiastes Thu 29-Jun-17 07:15:16

So dsorry for your Lois's, and sadness, op.

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here - don't wait too long, planning, grieving, etc, like Hamlet. Use your anger as rocket fuel to get you the hell out of there. Why should you wait any longer? You know what you have to do. This time next week you could be free x

Ecclesiastes Thu 29-Jun-17 07:16:16

Sorry for your loss, that should be. Fucking kindle.

ThatsNotMyMarmot Thu 29-Jun-17 07:21:57

I left my very long term DP when my DMim died. It was a watershed moment and suddenly I could 'see' him. He was small minded, manipulative, bullying and an all round atrocious cunt. I knew it but hadn't fully acknowledged it. Suddenly, losing my Mum and his response to it just made me realise what I wanted from life and he was the polar opposite of that. I LTB & wished I had done it years before.

ThatsNotMyMarmot Thu 29-Jun-17 07:25:51


hereweareagainandagain Thu 29-Jun-17 09:11:29

I'm literally bing all of your words. Thank you so much. It's actually making me feel not so on my own in this, especially knowing that some of you have gone through similar.

WH ( yeah, lets go for the WH title now ) woke an hour late, I can only assume this is because of the drink he consumed. Not that he consumed it here in the house, someone who can drink an ox under the table doesn't get that paralytic on what appears to be just a few beers. He went out briefly last night, so I can only assume he drank his weight in beer while he was on the road. What a wanker.

He was all sorry for himself when he got up, showing his fake fucking concern. I just can't bring myself to be around him.

On the bright side, he's at work. It's going to take all my strength not to send him a lengthy email outlining why I can't tolerate his drinking. But I've done that before, time and time again. We argue, he gets defensive, I detest him, he then rewards our argument with beer! ......anyway, bright side... I have decided that I need to change my career in order to look after myself and kids so I'm going to spend the day looking into what to do next. My existing career is good, good money but sporadic. I can do both old and new career at the same time.

Other than that work can wait today. It's going to be sofa, Netflix and shitloads of tissues.

FizzyGreenWater Thu 29-Jun-17 11:12:58

Don't waste your time on the email.

This is about you, not him.

Use the time to think and plan. Finances are the big thing - you'll get plenty of help on here.

Definitely do nothing til after exams... much easier, and it will give you some good planning time.

You're doing the right thing. He won't change. And, as you get older, the effects of alcohol will begin to show, so yes things will overall get far worse into old age (if he gets that far).

hereweareagainandagain Thu 29-Jun-17 15:29:05

So I popped. I can't face seeing WH so I've told him to stay away tonight. I need time, need to break this cycle of him abusing, saying sorry and me forgiving. I've had enough. Maybe born from grief but highly likely the drive I need.

I've not heard from him since.

Ecclesiastes Thu 29-Jun-17 15:31:45

Well done OP. You really have no cause to delay, you know. Would you dear friend have encouraged you to hang around, being miserable?

2017SoFarSoGood Fri 30-Jun-17 15:50:33

I have been thinking about you and have changed my mind Here.

Looking back I don't think I would have been able to get through this without the support of my DH. if he had not only been of no support but also added stress, I think I would have had to leave or have him leave.

Do what feels right and that you can manage. You will need all your wits about you to feel with the roller coaster of grief. flowersflowersflowers

hereweareagainandagain Fri 30-Jun-17 18:57:20

Thanks @2017SoFarSoGood
I'm literally taking it minute by minute. The shock seems to have subsided and now it's just full on loss. Only thing is it feels like loss x2 because I absolutely and utterly feel nothing but anger towards WH and certainly no love. It really is as though a switch has been flicked.

I asked him to stay away last night, that didn't happen as he had nowhere to go. I just went to bed and left him. I now discovered that the absolute ARSE must have drank a lot of the gin he felt I needed and watered the stuff down! So here I am now sitting drinking gin and, water and tonic! I'm laughing at myself for being such a blind idiot!

I'm not rushing feelings or decisions so much as just going with them.

hereweareagainandagain Fri 30-Jun-17 18:59:27

I so look forward to re reading this in the future in a totally different place.

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