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Relationships

He wants DS 4 nights a week?!

145 replies

StaceyAndGavin · 28/06/2017 18:17

I have posted this on another thread but thus one seems to be more active. It's also relative.

This is so out - ing but I whatever I really need advice.

We separated a little over a month ago - his major fault but we've remained friends for DS sake. He works a very demanding job which only leaves him with 1 day off a week and 2 days off every other week. Since the separation I've allowed him to come over 5/6 nights a week after work to see DS and he has him 2 nights a week (DS goes to nursery for one of the days so it all works out fine)
Then the other day we're discussing bills and transerring things into my name and I asked about child maintenance. He said we'd have to sit down all and work out 'how much DS costs'.. I don't think he's taking into consideration that DS uses gas, electricity, water etc too. But then he said something out of the blue - that once he's moved into his new place (he's staying with his parents for the time being) that he'll be having DS 3-4 nights a week.
I told him that's impossible because of his job, and I'm a SAHM. It doesn't make sense. He said he could pick DS up after work and drop him back in the mornings (around 7.30) but I said that would be too disruptive to his life.

DS is 2 but is pretty advanced for his age so understands a lot, although we've kept him out of it. We've told him that daddy's getting a new house and that he'll be having sleepovers with daddy etc and hes excited which is great.

I asked if this was about paying child maintenance and he said absolutely not hmm

He then said if I continue to be unreasonable with him seeing DS then he'll take me to court.

This completely took me by surprise - I really really don't think I've been unreasonable at all... am I?!

We spoke about it afterwards and he apologised for threatening with court, he just wants more time with DS which I understand, but he's not willing to change jobs, which I also understand, this is his dream job.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Please help sad

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 28/06/2017 18:24

So what is he proposing to do in terms of childcare? If he's got ds 3-4 nights in a row then he needs to be arranging (and paying for) wraparound childcare. He doesn't get to have you do nursery /school drop offs and pickups for free when it's not your bloody day!

It might be best to actually get something legal on this. Not necessarily by going to court, but I believe a mediator might be able to help (I'm no expert in this though.)

PotteringAlong · 28/06/2017 18:27

He's proposing 50/50. It's not unreasonable, but he will need to sort out childcare for his time that he has DS.

thestarryeyedsurprise · 28/06/2017 18:30

OP am currently going through a similar situation with my DS who is 23 months. Have spoken with a lot of solicitors about a 50/50 custody with my ex partner which he is demanding. They have all advised that 50/50 custody of a child that young is actually quite Damaging for their development.

Temporaryanonymity · 28/06/2017 18:33

50/50 care is usually the starting point, isn't it?

You need to get some legal advice. My ex has our sons once a month so I do get a contribution to their costs but whilst I was a SAHM I did go back to work and now work full time.

From experience I know that other divorced couples share residency 50/50 and there is now payment to anyone regarding the children.

You really need to see a lawyer.

PookieDo · 28/06/2017 18:33

In no terms do you go 50/50 and be his free childcare, while he pays you no maintenance. Do not agree to him literally having him overnight to cut his own costs down.

Agree with mediation

This needs to work as if you do have a job too - as you likely will one day. So he can't assume that you will cover all of the childcare on 'his' days.

Hopefully when he sees he is being unreasonable he will realise he either changes jobs, drops the 50/50 or pays for childcare himself until he finishes work

SometimesMaybe · 28/06/2017 18:34

The starting point here is what's in the best interests of the child, that usually is for both parents to have frequent quality time with their child, not for you to become an unpaid babysitter.

I would be offering 1 day per a week and then two the following to fit in with his pattern.

I would be stopping him from coming to your house, he can't have his cake and eat it.

I would be getting in touch with a good solicitor so you don't get screwed in the divorce and I would be looking to get a part time job sharpish.

The arrangement you had with you being a SAHM no longer exists so you need to start to maximise your income and prepare yourself for your new future.

NapQueen · 28/06/2017 18:35

It doesnt sound like he is proposing 5050 as he is proposing OP has ds from 7.30am until he finishes work and then takes him home for sleep, returning him the next day.

Doesnt sound right at all!

FizzyGreenWater · 28/06/2017 18:39

Well, he can't have it all. Which is kind of why you are SAHM...

Tell him that yes it will probably come to court in that case then, because what he wants isn't in DS's best interests, but in HIS. That he gets to keep his dream job AND tell himself that he has his son all the time... only he doesn't, he works most of the time and his toddler son pays the price for his dad getting to feel he has equal time by going into childcare, when his mum would prefer to have him with her.

You've stayed friends even though he was the one at major fault (I assume unfaithful?) for DS's sake. Now it's his turn to put his feelings aside for your son. He's 2 fgs. You're SAHM and that's what he's used to. I imagine you will be going back to work at some point, but until then, the idea of a parent who works six days a week fighting to get 'equal time' that just means the child is away from both parents for longer than he needs to be is just selfish.

Tell him that yes if he puts his pride and needing to have it all on paper ahead of your son's wellbeing then yes, it will go to court. Tell him that if you can stay friends through this, then yes all this stuff can stay negotiable right through and that you will always support all and every arrangement that can be made to make sure DS is with him as much as possible. But that's the rub. With HIM. Not with a childminder so dad can score his points.

And yes, he pays maintenance!

He sounds a bit awful and I think you might well end up in court. Where it's likely he would get the usual every other weekend (which makes perfect sense with his job committments) and all the goodwill would be destroyed.

BackforGood · 28/06/2017 18:40

Yes. YABU. You are assuming that because you 2 have split, then you will have full care of your ds and "allow him" to see him now and then. You've even used the words "allow him" in your OP!!!

He, as co-parent, is starting from the assumption that, as your ds has 2 parents, then his time will be spent equally between them. That seems fair to me.
Yes, there will be details to be ironed out, and practicalities, but 50:50 care sounds like a good starting point to begin the discussions from.

StaceyAndGavin · 28/06/2017 18:40

But am I being unreasonable? He gets to see DS probably more now than before because now I will keep DS up a little longer so he can see him after work etc.

But because he works 6 days a week I don't see the point in him taking him for 4 nights just to put him in childcare when I'm at home.

I'm having to rely on benefits at the moment until the dust has settled and we move, then I will be looking at part time employment.

I feel like he's being selfish and isn't thinking of our DS and wants best for him.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 28/06/2017 18:41

Sorry, I read your OP as him refusing to pay maintenance - apols.

Makes it a bit better.

Seenoevil · 28/06/2017 18:43

It sounds like he's just after a hr or so after work til 7.30am, (he's asleep most of the time anyway) so it's classed as an overnight and if he did 3-4 a week he wouldn't need to pay you Maintenance.

Yet are you being landed with the drop of to nursery and the pick ups all week ? Not fair, I'd say no as he's thinking of his bank balance and not your child.

StaceyAndGavin · 28/06/2017 18:44

fizzygreen I could not have asked for better advice that's exactly how I'm feeling right now.

And backforgood that's completely untrue. I have been allowing him to come into my home after he did something unforgivable to me just so he can spend time with his son which he should be doing. I don't want my son spending days in a childminders when I'm at home. Doesn't make sense.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 28/06/2017 18:44

Exactly right.

Ohters have said get some advice - a good idea I think.

Broken record time. Just keep saying the same. You will always support contact as much as possible. But you won't agree to him going into childcare just so on paper he's got equal time. Will he change jobs to be there more? No - so no go. Ask him WHY he wants to do this when he won't actually see DS for most of that time? What's important - 'having' him, or actually seeing him? It's about control really. If he's going to go down that road, you'll all suffer - it will go to court, you won't want him in the house any more, it will get antagonistic... and - he will still be working a six day week, only now you won't want him in your home to say goodnight...

RhubardGin · 28/06/2017 18:50

I have been allowing him to come into my home after he did something unforgivable to me just so he can spend time with his son

I knew there would be some kind of drip feed after you weren't getting the answers you wanted.

So go on, explain why this seemingly devoted dad is so terrible.

Temporaryanonymity · 28/06/2017 18:55

Thing is, neither of you get to decide what happens. You have to agree. I have pretty much sole custody and frankly my prefwrence would be for my sons to see their dad at least on a 50/50 basis.

PookieDo · 28/06/2017 18:57

It's not unreasonable for him to have 50/50 custody on his own time. He has parental responsibility and he can apply for that.
But it is unreasonable for you to be like a nanny dropping and collecting him on 'his' days. His days - own childcare responsibility.

You need to get a job ASAP. I couldn't stress this more. Make it clear you will not be available to do the drop offs when you are in work so this is not a long term solution that will work.

expatinscotland · 28/06/2017 19:02

How exactly is he devoted when he allows the state to pick up the tab for his child, Rhubar?

DotForShort · 28/06/2017 19:04

Presumably you will be going back to work soon so your son will be in some form of childcare in any case. I think a 50/50 arrangement can be the best solution, and the more typical every-other-weekend situation can often be detrimental for children. Not always, obviously.

FidgetSpinner · 28/06/2017 19:07

I bet he'll soon get fed up of that when it's reality. You must stress there will be no dropping off to you at 7.30 am. He will need to find and pay for childcare when he has ds as that will be your child free time for working and having a social life and you probably won't be at home Wink

TinyDancer69 · 28/06/2017 19:10

RhubardGin how on earth did you know that 😏! OP don't feel the need to justify anything to anyone. Your DH sounds like a bully and is taking the piss by simply having DS overnight and dropping him off with you whilst he does his dream job and you're left with grind. Look after yourself, accommodate contact but don't let him dictate the terms. It's a two way street!

pinkmagic1 · 28/06/2017 19:10

Exactly what pookDo said. Nothing wrong with him wanting 50/50 custody but it is his responsibility to organise childcare on his days, be this family members or nursery.
Also good advice to look for a job asap. This will put you in a stronger position.

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TornandFrayed · 28/06/2017 19:12

Op says she's thinking of going back to work part time so her ds wouldn't be in full time child care. How is it in the best interests of their DS for him to be in childcare when she is there to look after him.
How was childcare split in the past?

Ex just wants to get out of paying maintenance.

PookieDo · 28/06/2017 19:22

My point was OP should not get a job around her ex, it needs to be what is right for her and DS. So she must make it clear that her job choice will not be based on his childcare needs but her own. And he is responsible for his own.
If you keep playing the SAHM tune he could walk all over you. So make it now that you will be looking for work and that it will be happening. Don't leave it then find yourself tied to his schedule and trapped in time restrictions because this will limit your job prospects badly

MADEinLONDON · 28/06/2017 19:39

This is absolutely about him not having to pay you any maintenance for DS - no doubt about it.

If I've read it right, he wants you to rely on benefits (until you've sorted a job/new home) and look after his son for free during the daytime whilst he works. Then he plans to pick him up at bedtime and have him stay at his for over half the week, before dropping him back at breakfast for you to be his free nanny all over again the next day. He'll get to see very little of your DS awake during that time - probably only a couple of hours over all four days - and do zero graft/pay fuck all. Hugely pointless. Except to save himself money of course.

This man has had legal advice or done his reading. He knows full well that child maintenance is paid (or not paid) depending on the amount of overnights - regardless of daytime care. If he takes DS four nights a week he could also be considered the primary career and apply for tax credits/child benefit in his name. You'd be left with nothing. He's done his homework so I suggest you do the same and see a solicitor. This man is not your friend - he's a greedy, selfish turd I bet. Do not agree to his proposal as it benefits NO ONE other than himself.

50/50 can work but only when both parties genuinely want to spend an actual, decent amount of time with their child. This man seems to only care about money and probably doesn't care an inch about financially ruining you and leaving his son in your poverty during the day whilst he works.

Sorry OP. Tread very carefully around this snake. Flowers

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