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Stay or go in my 10 year relationship

(14 Posts)
Jaybee99 Wed 28-Jun-17 17:49:08

Hi,

Been with someone for 10 years living together. During this time we've had a few ups and downs. I tend to be quite anxious and my DP has a habit of sometimes being verbally agressive over little things which really pi$$es me off. I work Mon to Friday but he works on Saturdays and comes back on Sat afternoons and starts having a go about what I've been doing, etc. I've put a bit of weight on and that's a constant target too. He is very loving at other times but I can feel over the last 2-3 years slowly falling out of love with him. Now I feel I'm only there because it's just what we do. If I leave, then I have to go back to renting...as I am 52 now... which though a stupid reason to stay is another factor too. I know he wants me to stay and when I get upset about constant criticism, says I am "over-reacting" which really winds me up. But, my God, the thought of starting over at 52??? It really frightens me. confused

ThatsNotMyMarmot Wed 28-Jun-17 18:09:13

I think you really have to decide the black/white decision of if you want to stay or go and then commit to it. If you want to stay you have to tell him that his behaviour is the sort of thing that will grind anyones love to dust. You can't carry on with him being such a bastard to you.

pinkyredrose Wed 28-Jun-17 18:11:05

Do you want to live like this at 53? 57? 60? You know what you need to do.

CherriesInTheSnow Wed 28-Jun-17 18:12:02

Sorry you're going through this flowers

So just a few things to point out based on your OP:

- He can be very agressive towards you

- He is sometimes nasty about your appearance

- he constantly criticises you

- you don't feel in love with him

It's just not good enough for people to act like this towards someone they supposedly love, even if they are sometimes "loving". sad

It's not how you would treat some one if you cared about their wellbeing.

There are other ways around the practical stuff, please don't continue to limit your happiness by staying with this joke of a partner flowers

noego Wed 28-Jun-17 22:03:28

I started over at 59. Don't fret it. Live it. New life, new loves, new friends, new happiness, new everything. Its called freedom/liberation from the mundane crap.

SweetLuck Wed 28-Jun-17 22:05:36

You've only got one life.

Do you want to spend the rest of it living with this guy?

Jaybee99 Thu 29-Jun-17 06:22:05

Thanks everyone for your words of support.
Jx

TheNaze73 Thu 29-Jun-17 07:31:57

You deserve so much more than that OP

FinallyHere Thu 29-Jun-17 07:41:21

Absolutely, OP. Once you get away you will look back and realise just how horrible it was for you, to live in circumstances which grind you down. When you are in it, you are in survival mode, telling yourself his occasional not-so-bad behaviours and a roof over your head is reasonable recompense for being his punchbag.

Sooner you get away, the better. Get a plan together and put it into action. all the best

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Thu 29-Jun-17 07:44:19

Living with a man you don't love who is abusive and getting worse

Vs

Sweet, juicy freedom.

Time to go.

KarmaNoMore Thu 29-Jun-17 07:49:35

If you can manage to pay rent in another place, what is stopping you? You are free already.

The thought of starting again is terrifying but, if you enjoy his absences more than having him around, you are already more than half way there. Basically, you will have the same you have now but without the extra work and put downs that come from a nasty man.

storynanny Thu 29-Jun-17 07:54:41

I've started again several times in my life due to various reasons.
I've been with my partner 12 years from age 48. If I felt like you I would start again even though I am 60. You could have nearly half your life left.
Do you have supportive friends/family?

Naicehamshop Thu 29-Jun-17 08:05:30

I feel for you op and I'm in a not dissimilar situation so watching this thread with interest. Are you worried about finances? That's the thing that's really stopping me, tbh.

Good luck. Let us know how it's going. flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 29-Jun-17 08:23:31

Jaybee,

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You will feel exactly the same about him in three days, three months or even worse three years from now. Make the break now, rip the plaster off.

Do not stay out of habit, a fear of being alone or having to start again. Robin Williams once stated that the worst thing in life is not to be alone but being with someone who makes you feel alone.

Of course he wants you to stay; he likes having you around to look after him and abuse as and when he feels like it. Also if you leave he would then have to target some other woman and that takes both time and work.

The only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is none. It matters not that he can be nice to you sometimes; abusers are not nasty all the time because no-one would want to be with them. I bet he is also plausible to those in the outside world as well.

Womens Aid are also well worth contacting and I would urge you to speak with them too.

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