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I have just caught my husband watching porn.

(325 Posts)
Squiggletum Wed 28-Jun-17 08:57:25

My husband, who always claimed to agree with me about the porn industry. Walked into the bathroom and hurriedly closed something on his phone. When I jokingly asked what he was doing he couldn't look at me and just said nothing a few times. Then I realised it wa actually something bad. Kids were around so I couldn't say much. I asked again and he said 'I got sent a dodgy video'. It must be how he accessed it. His immature friends send videos Occassionally and they are disgusting. As far as I knew, he deleted them. A lot of them aren't meant to be arousing, I think they're aiming for disgusting and funny. No idea what the content of this one was. Anything even vaguely 'adult' is blocked on our internet and he is not tech savvy at all so would have no idea how to get around that. So he's most likely telling the truth and didn't go looking for it. Still pressed play though. Kids briefly just left the room and he came over and told me he knows there was no excuse and nothing he can say and what do I want him to do. Just wanted him to get away from me tbh. I feel sick. He's offered to take the baby to his nans, said he assumes I now won't want to go to baby group with him this afternoon. I said just leave, as I get out of my face and he thought I wanted him to get out of the house. He asked whether i meant permanently. He obviously knows how much of an important issue this is for me. Aside from the fact he's just destroyed my trust in him, I have been a victim of two attempted rapes and some sexual assaults. He fucking knows my opinions on consent and the porn industry and knowing that it came from his friends doesn't fill me with confidence that this was some female friendly porn. Probably fucking disgusting and degrading.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Feel sick. I don't particularly want him to leave the house and me have all these things running through my mind but I don't know what to say to him either. My mind is a bit jumbled.

And I don't want this to become a thing about how all men watch porn and it's fine. Not fine for me. He watched porn a bit before we got together as far as I'm aware. I don't care. I do care about him doing it whilst in a relationship with me and he knows that and has known all along and has chosen to do it.

Thephoneywar Wed 28-Jun-17 09:07:57

If you don't want a discussion about the rights and wrongs of porn and an individuals right to watch what they want without being controlled by their partner then what are asking advice about.

If this is a red line then kick him out.

kalinkafoxtrot45 Wed 28-Jun-17 09:11:12

YANBU for not wanting your DH to watch degrading videos of women, particularly given your past.

gamerchick Wed 28-Jun-17 09:11:20

Pretty much what phoney says.

Or get a lock on the bathroom door.

DeleteOrDecay Wed 28-Jun-17 09:12:06

I'm so sorry op. This is a massive breach of trust. I feel the same as you regarding porn and I get it. You are probably feeling angry and sick to your stomach right now, that's okay. It will pass and you will calm down and be able to talk about things rationally.

He really needs to tell his friends not to send him stuff like that because it's not appropriate (and quite frankly a bit weird and juvenile).

No doubt there will be posters coming along shortly to tell you that your feelings don't matter and that all men do it so you should just put up with it. Ignore those posters. We all have our line in the sand when it comes to relationships and boundaries. If you have made it clear that you don't want it in your relationship then he needs to respect that (and in turn respect you as a person) or leave.

wherearemymarbles Wed 28-Jun-17 09:18:15

Everyone has their line in the sand beyond which a relationship cant function.

You have to decide if yours is functionally practical.

Squiggletum Wed 28-Jun-17 09:19:14

Not come to the relationships board for discussions on the rights and wrongs of porn. Somebody to tell me what I'm supposed to ask or think, somebody to talk to that isn't him right now. Don't want to discuss this with my friends. Relationship support and advice, exactly what the board is meant for. I suggest you just leave the thread if you can't offer that because I feel sick and broke right now and your ideas on porn aren't relevant to me at the moment. Not being snipey, i really don't want to have to justify myself right now. I have been lied to and had my trust broken. And I was right. He just confirmed some of be content of the video. Fucking degrading and disgusting.

Squiggletum Wed 28-Jun-17 09:20:50

Not just women either. Seems a couple of highlights are men fisting each other and people shitting on each other. Lovely.

Only1scoop Wed 28-Jun-17 09:23:35

Op that's vile and sounds quite niche.

justkeeponsmiling Wed 28-Jun-17 09:23:50

So you have an issue with the fact that your husband got sent a video and watched it? I don't get it. Did he watch it more than once? Or was it a video he had just received and opened it, not knowing exactly what it was? Because if it was the former YADNBU, but if it was the latter I think your reaction is totally ott - surely you can't judge him for checking out a video he didn't know the contents of?
FWIW I get weird videos and pics from some of my friends all the time. I don't like it and don't think they are funny (pics of men with huge dicks, etc.) so will delete straight away, but I do check what they are before deleting, as occasionally it is a genuinely funny and harmless meme or video.

Only1scoop Wed 28-Jun-17 09:25:23

I'm also not quite understanding how he had these? Are they links sent on emails etc? Who sent them?

itsajungleoutthere Wed 28-Jun-17 09:25:31

People shitting on each other is porn? Really?

PinkCosmo Wed 28-Jun-17 09:26:24

It sounds particularly awful. Id feel sick and turned off too.

I know plenty on here will insist it's all normal hmm but i find it sad and repulsive when a man i trusted enjoys watching crap

Beelzebop Wed 28-Jun-17 09:26:25

Of course it's horrendous and gross, otherwise they wouldn't be sharing like naughty school boys. It doesn't mean he thinks it, does it etc. I personally would give him a break. After a bollocking naturally wink

RockyBird Wed 28-Jun-17 09:27:10

How awful for you.

It sounds like you've been very clear and yet he's still crossed the line.

I don't know the answer. Maybe time spent apart so you can recover and decide what you need to do.

Mulch Wed 28-Jun-17 09:28:22

You sound like his mum, poor guy having to hide away in the bathroom like that. He obviously likes porn, will tell you what you want to hear and still watch it when he gets the opportunity. So that being said op have a moan on here by all means and avoid the inevitable discussion of porn ect but what you going to do? Could you really trust him again or accept it

justkeeponsmiling Wed 28-Jun-17 09:31:21

I still don't get why people say he enjoys watching porn? Or was he masturbating while watching it and I missed that bit? Could ot not have been a matter of "oh I wonder what Steve just sent me" and then not switching off straight away, like watching a car crash sort-of-thing?

Orlandointhewilderness Wed 28-Jun-17 09:35:22

Personally I think you are being a bit oTT. As you said, he has been sent it by his unfunny mates, he didn't go looking for it. It doesn't sound like he has a porn habit you have just discovered and was using it to have a wank.

I understand about your views on porn but controlling what your partner watches like that doesn't sit comfortably with me actually.

Squiggletum Wed 28-Jun-17 09:40:43

Controlling what my partner watches? What the fuck is the matter with you people? Poor little bloke can't sit around watching men fist each other and shit in each other's mouths without his nasty controlling wife being fucking disgusted and wondering who the fuck she married?? Yeah, he should be openly allowed to watch that on our bedroom. It's a wonder he hasn't divorced me already!

Scrumplestiltskin Wed 28-Jun-17 09:42:10

First off, I'm sorry OP flowers I can imagine how crushed and ill you must feel. I feel the same way about all porn.
But it sounds like he wasn't seeking it out, and wasn't being aroused by it, which would be the most important factors for me. It was some knob mates sending stupid, gross, taboo shit, that he watched out of (foolish) curiosity. So personally, in your situation I'd cut him some slack for that, and not view it the same way as if he was watching porn he liked, that he'd sought out.
I'd make it clear to him how much the incident has shaken you, and distressed you. And that if he wants things to be okay between you two, he needs to make it clear to his mates he doesn't want to receive that kind of content. Or at least not open any content they send!

Squiggletum Wed 28-Jun-17 09:42:42

He didn't just get sent it. He tried to lie around that. 'Forgot' to delete it. Was apparently watching videos of our baby and then, tucked away in there, was a porn video he forgot to delete. So he decided to take another look. There's no lock on his phone and the kids sometimes get hold of it too. Fucking irresponsible piece of shit.

dogfish1 Wed 28-Jun-17 09:43:25

He knew you don't like porn but he still watched a few minutes of gross-out video that his mates sent. Some men wouldn't do this. The fact that he did is grounds for a bollocking, not some relationship crisis.

Scrumplestiltskin Wed 28-Jun-17 09:45:22

It's not controlling anymore than being monogamous is controlling.
Everyone gets to set boundaries or dealbreakers in a relationship, and if the other partner accepts those boundaries/dealbreakers then it's not controlling to get angry if they then go behind your back, and don't abide by them, and it's not controlling to haul them up on it and say they need to stop doing things they agreed not to do.

Squiggletum Wed 28-Jun-17 09:47:04

They send them through whatsapp. It's a group conversation and there are one or two who do this. The worst offender is a police officer. Turns my stomach. He said it's like a compilation? So there are some 'nice' bits (by which he means normal sex which he can wank to) and these other ones. I'm just looking at him and seeing somebody pathetic. It's horrible to look at my husband and have lost all respect for him like that. And at any point he could have told his friends to stop sending him that shit but he didn't cos of peer pressure. I feel like I am married to a child.

Beelzebop Wed 28-Jun-17 09:47:58

The unlocked phone is naughty, and if he saved it onto his phone that would worry me too. Looking at stuff out of curiosity once I can't condemn as I'm always doing it. If my DP knew some of the stuff! confused But, I have never felt the urge to save as mainly its yuck! I respect your opinion totally, and having been through experiences similar to yours when younger I understand. I would want to know why he saved it! X

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